Friday, January 31, 2014

A Practice

Everyone talks about having a daily practice be it meditation, drawing or whatever. Me I've never seen the point, why do it every day when I only really need it when I need it. Besides I am not good at sticking to a routine, I get bored far too easily.

OK it is a little more deep than that. A practice in my mind is a way of dealing with the shit in your head that doesn't let you sleep cause it keeps going round and round. In my case as I've mentioned before I have whole conversations with people in my head explaining why they are wrong and I am right. :)

I have tried Morning pages and brain dumps. I've tried affirmations, meditation and gratitudes but after a month or so I stopped doing them. Not because they weren't doing any good but because they weren't making things change fast enough.

I complain about the speed of civilization and wish it would slow down so I can catch my breathe and catch up a little.Today I realized I do the same in my path. I want results in a few days a week at most when it doesn't happen,  it never can happen that quick, I give up, quit and try something new. I blame boredom or life but neither of these things are to blame, I just want results on my schedule. My schedule is not a reasonable one, I know this but I still demand that life conform to my desires not the other way around.

If I can learn to change that mind set maybe I can change others as well.

Jan 31, 2014

Today has been a day of meeting with old friends and new ones. I don't change much in appearance from year to year so they always know me.
As you can see by the pictures above aside from growing up and gaining weight my face is basically the same at 53 as it was at 3.

It was interesting seeing the cross section of people who know me and who I know. I know some quality people Linda & Doren that is you, yes Steve you too. I also know some not so nice characters like little jimmy.

Anyway I got to figure out how I'm going to make this room liveable again since I added a large TV and a Queen size bed.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Stasis- An Art Journal Page

The background is grey because I do not know what should go there all I know is that my word is trying to pull me towards the future but something is holding my back.

January 25, 2014

I have sought inside myself for days, looking for the reason I have entered this stasis. The most compelling thought seems to be, "it is cold outside, I do not go outside when winter is here". I feel that this is not entirely true that there must be something more.

Laziness comes to mind it describes me well some days. It's definition is: the quality of being unwilling to work or use energy; idleness. It describes me well except that depression also works this way so perhaps it is a little bit of both. All I know is this is the thought that most often accompanies me when I go to lie down yet again
I have big dreams but I have no gumption so they shall remain dreams that I torment myself with on a daily basis.

I think but there must be another reason that I am held in this one place every day even though I have plans and the means to carry them out.

Perhaps the fear of what will happen if I succeed may be part of it. Since the drugs cut off the sexual part of me and then menopause finished the job still I am afraid that if I achieve my goal of physical fitness that all my physical needs will return.

Or the other side of the coin once I have my body back will I be subject to the same abuses I've suffered my whole life. I want only one man yet in my head I see the seemingly endless stream of others I've had sex with and I wonder will I be the woman all men want to have sex with again. I sincerely do not want that at all. That life was not healthy nor do I wish to return to it.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Jan 21, 2014

How far would you go to beat something that is unbeatable? I can not fight this week every ounce of energy seems to have been drained out of me. The world is full of bad news and bad memories haunt my dreams.

A friend I knew died the death of the single and alone. When your heart stops pumping you die but that is not the sad part, the sad part is that you can lie there for hours or even days before someone realizes you are dead. It has become a fear of mine that someday that will be me. It is a recent fear, newly minted when my cousin Roger died and it took a week for others to realize he was. Bad smell and all they ignored it until it couldn't be ignored and then the other roomers called their landlord rather than check for themselves.

I thought I was so smart, that I was actually making progress and getting better, but the depression hits hard and the pain hits hard and between the two of them I am down for the count for many days. Today makes day 6 I think though it feels like so much longer in this mental place. And I have no fight in me, I have no energy and worst of all I have no desire at all to change my current mood.

Another thing occurs to me, I watched half my life walk out the door last week. Perhaps as long as I still had all that stuff around I could pretend I would get my old life with the Professor back but it is gone and I am not ever going to get it back. The last of that life went out the door to be given to more needy and deserving souls. Well not all of it I did keep a few things and my room still feels cluttered but at least it is manageable now.

So many factors to consider when you think about causes and triggers. I have a lot of triggers and I should be concentrating on correcting them but it just seems like too much work today or any day. An effect I am aware of  is that I don't shower when I am depressed, not for weeks on end and I know it has been at least two weeks since my last shower because I had one just before going to the craving change group.

Another effect that I am aware off is my tendency to eat a lot of sugar and refined wheat products. My body does not deal well with either so I get all slow and muddled inside which aggravates the depression. Cause and effect but like most it is circular, I get depressed I eat more of that bad stuff, my body rebels and I eat even more to fix it and then feel bad because I know that wasn't what I should do. Round and round it goes.

Shoulds' are another big trigger. I found that out last week at the healthy self-esteem group. We all have them that list of things we should be instead of the things we are. Sometimes we say we need to be like this or do that but that is just a disguised should too. An example of one of my shoulds is "A normal person showers daily therefore if I want to be normal then I should shower daily too" except for me with the fibro showering everyday could aggravate the nerve endings and increase the number of pain days I have, when I feel normal for me I shower about once a week.

Ok seems I got sidetracked a little. I guess that is it for today

Friday, January 17, 2014

Wardrobe 1

Wardrobe 1

Michael Kors cowl neck top
$165 -

French Connection silk tank top

Brown top

Vero Moda top
$36 -

Green top
$29 -

Old Navy short sleeve tee

H M sleeveless blouse
$21 -

Long sleeve cardigan
$16 -

Dondup military coat
$680 -

J TOMSON brown coat

Temperley London skirt
$750 -

Alice Olivia red skater skirt
$370 -

Topshop brown jeans

Komodo green pants
$54 -


Fiorelli imitation purse
$67 -

Osprey bracelet bangle

TIBI wool shawl

Boohoo shawl scarve

Pinecone wreath

Red Hat Ladies

Red Hat Ladies

Matthew Williamson beaded dress
$3,260 -

Humanoid purple dress

Purple dress

Purple dress
$33 -

Emilio pucci hat

Markus Lupfer merino hat
$230 -

Brixton beanie

Bowler hat
$20 -

Bedroom of my dreams