Wednesday, May 28, 2014

My Place

it is not my place to care about the kids but I find I do. It is hard to know what a grandmother is supposed to do  when she hears her child shouting at her children. I am lost, I woke up to the sound of my grandson calling to a cat. I am still so tired but he is here and will be here for awhile given what I heard downstairs just a bit ago. All I want to do is crawl back in my bed and sleep. I guess the fact that my fridge and freezer are nearing end of month emptiness may have something to do with the depression I'm feeling. I have sufficient food to get me through but not the right foods.

There may be another culprit I ate 4 servings of oatmeal and 4 servings of pasta with vegetables before I laid down today so it could be a carb overload or a reaction to glutin or it could just be a reaction to the gray skies. whatever it is it makes my eyes heavy and my brain foggy.

And it has been two days since my last walk granted I walked for at least an hour but my body is beginning to crave the movement which is a good thing just not today.

Time to stop talking

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

New Directions

I'm relaxing this week a little. The last two weeks have been full of appointments but this week is remarkably free of them. I am still busy but in a more fun way, making posters for my daughter's Jack n Jill. I am also like gleeful cause when I stepped on the scale yesterday it said I weighed 221.2 lbs which means I have lost four of the 25 pounds I'm working on in just a bit over a month. I am a happy camper! At this rate I will hit the 200 mark before September 30 which is my goal date.

Yesterday I walked my grandson to his day care, spent some time in Home Depot and Staples then walked back home so that is easily my hour for the week but I am not done, tomorrow Aidan and I will go to the park and maybe the farmers market, if we don't go to the farmers market we will be planting flowers in my flower box. And I still owe Coco a walk this week so maybe tomorrow but more likely Thursday Aidan and I will be taking her out for a quick walk around the block.

I am feeling energized and excited today and am looking forward to doing some stretches or dancing or maybe some strength exercises after it cools down a bit or maybe I'll just put on shorts and a sports bra and do it.

My fridge is almost bare of vegetables but I do have a few frozen ones so things are still on track in the food department, though I do have to buckle down and make a menu and shopping list soon.

My lunch is done so I'll talk to you later

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

May 20: Update

I have managed  to keep one pound off for a month so I am a happy camper. You may think that is not a big deal but it is a big deal for me.

I have 100 of these buggers to get rid of so it one stays gone I am a happy, happy girl

I have also been looking into expanding my readership. Its just something I want to do  but my post popular post has to do with using shells in art so I gotta wonder maybe the psychological conversations aren't the best way to get people here. Except that I started this blog to deal with those psychological things in a way I could be comfortable with.

So I'm in a bit of a quandary. If the four of you could let me know what keeps you coming back to read my writing I would really appreciate it. In the meantime I am going to have to start visiting other blogs and sharing my url so I can get more people to at least come and take a peek.

I really wish I hadn't given the book away I got that shell thing from it had a lot of creative suggestions in it.

I have the 101 in 1001 still on hold until I can decide if I want to try for a fourth time. I did get a lot of things done from the list and did make it nearly to the end of the 1001 days so it wasn't a failure.

Monday, May 19, 2014

Subjective Pauses

Focus on one thought and follow it as far as you can. I find myself trying to do this fairly often now. I will find a chink in my armor of self and begin searching the thoughts that led to it. Take the word cute for instance. It is not a bad word in fact some people consider it a compliment for me it triggers all kinds of badness.

First off cute isn't just applied to children anymore. I myself have been called cute many times. It is most often applied to a petite woman and I have always been that though a round petite still a petite. I envy those women who can claim 5' 5" or more I am on the lower side of 5" 1" and have wished my legs would grow just a bit more but they never have. So when I am animated I get called cute.

Next I step back to age 13. My next door neighbour's have a horse farm and one day the oldest son asks me to go riding with him. He puts me on the horse in front of him and as we ride he talks me up and calls me cute while his hands are roaming in places they have no right to be.

Step back a little bit further and my uncle has me trapped in my closet . He wants to touch me because I am so cute. Starting to get the drift. There were a couple of other incidents like this from the time I began to grow a chest which was elevenish. I do not know how many times I have been molested nor by how many of my uncles, cousins and neighbours. Many, many times and it began when I was two so it was a lot of years.

Ok at this point my mind can take two tracks reliving the abuse or continuing to follow the path that lead me to dislike the word cute when applied to myself. Today I want to avoid the abuse if I can.

The next clear memory I have regarding the word cute is when I was 8 or nine. A man came by looking for directions to someplace and my dad invited him in for a beer. I can only assume that my dad knew him or knew someone connected to him. I was precocious and I ended up sitting on his knee. On his way out he gave me a ring and told me to hold on to it because he would come back for it some day because I was so cute and he wanted to see what I would grow up to be like. I lost the ring and I remember being so sad because now he would never be able to find me again.

Step back now to what I consider the beginning of this connection between the word cute as applied to me and negativity I feel towards it. I am six and it is a beautiful  June day. I watched my first ballet on TV the night before and had fallen in love with it. I began dancing with the shadows during recess and I lost myself in my imagination.  When the bell ran I was slow coming out of it and by the time I did everyone in the school was gathered around me. They laughed and clapped and I heard the teachers comment on how cute I was. A few days later I came down sick with the chicken pox and missed the last four days of what have been a perfect attendance year. During the chicken pox the clapping and laughter took on a sinister edge and so did the word cute.

What should have been a joyful memory turned into a nightmare and haunted me for a long long time. I have managed to remove some of the fever induced horror but not all of it. and for me the word cute when applied to me had become a dagger to my self esteem. It also prevented me from ever dancing comfortably again except for waltzes. If I could disentangle the fever emotions from the real ones I would be much happier I think but the process is slow because I need to remove from my memory the negative overtones. That is a very hard thing to do.

Take a moment for a subjective pause. Is there a word that when applied to you seems to have a lot of negative overtones even though you know that when they are applied to others they have none? Trace it back as far as you can. Then work on changing the incident in your memory from a bad memory to a good one. Chances are it was supposed to be a good one. Changing how you think about it will also help you change the ones that came after, rather they were meant to be good or bad, so that they no longer impede your self worth.

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Mother's Day 2014

I fear I may have made a mistake, maybe... it is hard to know for sure. My son and I have been having difficulties with our relationship for several years now. His expectations are different from mine. The most difficult one for me deals with my grandchildren, his children. DD has always brought her children to me when she had the means or called me to come get them when she didn't. My son has asked me to babysit only a handful of times and he doesn't bring his children to see me except for special family events. His expectation is that I will call him to see the kids. That I will make an appointment in advance to come by and see my own grandchildren. Perhaps I am spoiled by my daughter but that doesn't sit well with me at all.

He and my daughter had words about a month ago because he posted something on Facebook that basically said I was not a good grandmother. I did not get to read it which is probably a good thing because I would have written the message I wrote tonight a lot sooner.

I asked him to come over to give me a price on a fire pit, he told me he would be here around 11. I assumed he meant 11 AM. It is now 10 PM and I still have not seen him nor have I received a call from him telling me he couldn't come. This is the second time he has done this to me and frankly I'm pissed off. If I were a regular type client he would have lost my business the first time. Even family deserves some respect and I have not received that from him in a long while.

I refuse to be treated like trash despite my own personal feelings on that subject. My anger is dissipating and I am aware only of a great sadness. I think I will go cry now.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

NaBloPoMo- May 2014 - Topic is Nourish

I am 8 days late in getting started with NaBloPoMo but since the topic is all about how we nourish ourselves if fits well into my particular concerns. Here are the prompts for the first 8 days of may and my answers.

Thursday, May 1, 2014
Tell us how you eat: do you sit down to three meals, eat several small meals, or grab a granola bar on the run?

Hmmm depends on the day really but I basically stick to three meals a day. It is the simplest and it makes sure that I get regular infusions of energy.

Friday, May 2, 2014
Tell us how you wish you ate if it's different from your day-to-day reality.

In my day to day reality I eat pretty well though I still need some work on portion control and I wish I could stop eating after 8 PM without having to go to sleep to avoid the temptation

Monday, May 5, 2014
Would you ever want a personal chef, or do you enjoy cooking your own meals?

I actually enjoy cooking my own meals. I like to experiment in the kitchen.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Have you ever invented your own recipe? Tell us about it (or your favourite one).

When my kids were little I would often run out of food before the month and I didn't know about Food Banks then. I would often throw whatever I had in the fridge & freezer into a pot and call it supper. My soups usually turned into a grey tasteless mess but at least it was food. Since then I have experimented with several different dishes but I am most proud of my chili recipes and the fact that they can double as spaghetti sauce. The quickest recipe I have would make my mother turn in her grave but it is quick & east. Take a can of Pork & beans, add a can of Aylmer Accent diced tomatoes, chili flavour. Mix them together & warm them up. Quick chili!

Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Do you follow recipes to a T, or do you play around with recipes, making adjustments?

I always make adjustments, sometimes because I don't have the ingredients or don't have enough of one of the ingredients asked for; sometimes just because I want to add my own touch.

Thursday, May 8, 2014
Tell us about your favourite cookbook.

I don't have a favorite cookbook, I have a favorite recipe web site it's called All Recipes & you can find a recipe based on what you have on hand, plus other ways, that is my favorite way to search.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Four Big Questions

Four Questions To Ask Myself About Losing Weight

What is the worst thing that could happen if I don't do this?

Death by inches- Diabetes & Cancer

What is the worst thing that could happen if I did do this?

Longer, healthier life. Fewer illnesses and lots fewer medications.

What is the best thing that could happen if I do this?

A new wardrobe, renewed energy, less pain

What is the best thing that would happen if I didn't do this?

Quick death- Heart attack or Stroke

 So I got to ask myself if my only choice as things stand now is between a quick death and a slow one why do I not make a more concentrated effort to do the things the Doctor and Dietician tell me I need to be doing?

 My first response would be I just don't have the energy. The answer to this is always the same the more energy you use the more you get back except the part they don't tell you is that it takes 21 days or more of energy output before you start to notice an increase in your energy levels. Who has that kind of patience?

 Well I used to  but then I used to have a lot of things just as I used to do a lot of things but over the past few years, (since I hit the 200lb mark and my fathers death), it all seems to have disappeared from my desires. Mostly these days all I desire is to sleep. Which isn't good at all.

 But lets get back to the subject at hand. Energy is a body response to fuel and emotion, no I don't have any evidence to back myself up I just know me, Fuel of course is food but how does emotion figure into the equation? Ever been scared? Your fight or flight response if triggered by negative emotions like fear and anger. This kick starts your body to burn some of its reserves to assist you in either running away or defending yourself. This does not mean I recommend spending your life being afraid or angry all the time that will put you into a nuthouse quick.

Fuel on the other hand is about what you eat and more importantly for weight loss what you burn. My Basal Metabolic Rate is 1670 which means I require 2296 calories just to keep my organs working. To lose weight you are to decrease your calories by 500-1000 calories per day. The recommended way of doing this is to split the daily goal between food and exercise so you eat say 250 fewer calories and do 250 calories worth of exercise per day. That last part is the part I have trouble with. I have been watching my calories for awhile and am beginning to learn good portion control. Though what is considered a portion still blows me away sometimes. 5 jumbo shrimp?, 2 breaded chicken wings? & those two wings hold 220 calories in em wow!

Exercise ... say it like a swear word and you'll approximate my feelings around this word. Loving Movement means the same but sounds nicer. Physical fitness is what it is and being physical is a big part of my problem. I feel chained to this computer and leaving it even for five minutes or more to do something active disturbs me. So I'm a computer addict which means getting physical can be difficult for me.

Here are a few examples of calories burned by certain activities:

Walking 2.0 mph, slow 233 per hour
Walking the dog 279 per hour
Taking out trash 279 per hour

I found these and several others at a web site called NutriStrategy. The calories burned listed above are a guesstimate using a person of 205 lbs as the tester. This chart also lists other weight levels but the main fact is this, in order to get anywhere near the number of calories I need to burn I have to do some form of movement for 60 minutes a day. Sixty minutes a day with a bum knee, fibro and depression all weighted against me. Is it any wonder I give up. What I need to find is my determination, I need to feel inside myself that this is as important to me as my grandkids. And no even being able to keep up with my grandkids is not a motivation that has worked. I need the motivation to care and I just don't.

See that is the long and short of it... I don't care if I live or die and if truth be told I really just want to die but I'm too much of a coward to do it a quick way, so I am killing myself by inches and have been for 30+ years ever since I had a mental breakdown at 22. My 21st and 22nd year were full of horrors which lead to a mental breakdown. I was 25 before I began to see any light in my self again. That self was cobbled together from the bits and pieces I was able to collect from the person I was before. That is a story for another day and I think that is enough writing for today

Saturday, May 3, 2014


For lack of a better word this is what I have been experiencing all week. Mental as well as physical. The dentist gave me T3's when I got my tooth out and for day's I successfully avoided taking them. This is important because in my 20's & 30's I was addicted to T1's you know the ones you can get over the counter if you really want to. Back then they were still available on the pain killer shelf not stuck behind the counter with the pharmacist.  I was able to break the addiction though I am not sure how but today is the 3rd day in a row I have been dealing with the after effects of taking two T3's to kill the pain enough in my knee so that I could sleep. The problem is I keep wanting to reach for the bottle and take another one. Understand that I am still taking the Extra-strength Tylenol for the fibro so I am kinda stoned though in me it manifests itself as extreme fatigue which is not that much different from my day to day being. But still I have pain, in my head, in my mouth, in my feet, and in my back. I would need some of those super strength pain killers that are really super addictive to take all my pain away. The T3's are bad enough. I hate it!

My brain feels foggy and my thoughts are slow. Coffee seems to not be helping. I had this big long article in my head but it is gone. I am going to take my normal medication then lay down again.