Saturday, June 14, 2014

June 14

one week to wedding day, seven days that's all. the time went so slowly until we got to the four week mark, lately it has been racing by. i am feeling kinda rough and i think rob is too. nessa is even more freaked out and dean is just tired. once the wedding is over the professor and i will be babysitting the kids for 3 days i think i'm not sure. i am sure the kids are not going to be happy during those three days cause the professor and i are very different caretakers than their parents.

i have no idea what i shared last or when i shared, like i said it's been kinda crazy around here. dean has been working hard so that they would have decent money for their honeymoon; i have been taking physio and adding a lot more physical  activity to my life in an attempt to get my weight down to a reasonable level. days like today are fewer, one meal a day even a large one is no substitute for several smaller ones. i just feel like i didn't have the time to eat today, nessa was supposed to go out at 9:30 and that didn't pan out but i was busy watching the boys all day. even when i took a nap aidan went with me.

giving up on the naming thing, if you know me you know about my grandchildren. my head is killing me and i am not sure why perhaps not enough water today. i'll work on fixing that for the rest of the day. still so tired ...

gonna get a couple of pain killers and maybe some sugar. i have some berries thawing but i also have some sugar coated almonds just depends on what i want to do.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Re-thinking

I spend a lot of time complaining about my daughter, I know this, but without her I would be alone and scared a lot. Without her and her kids I would have no place to lie my head . No place where hugs are available whenever I need one. I judge her harshly but I think in truth I am judging my failures with her. The things I should have done that I didn't do and the things I should have said but never did. Sure I get exasperated by her seeming inability to see her own failings but I have to admit to myself I have several failings of my own.

Ok I thought this was going to draft not getting published so maybe I was more out of it more than I though. No matter life continues and I spend my time re-thinking a lot of my previously held beliefs because they just don't seem to fit right. It is hard to explain to someone who has not experienced depression and abuse the way I have and even harder to explain to someone who doesn't have 50 plus years of living. The framework is just missing.

I am beginning to think that 50+ is the age of reason though I am not absolutely sure of that. I do find myself thinking more clearly about the past than I used to. I am learning about cognitive therapy and applying the principles to myself though it is slow going

more later

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Beginnings, Endings and Middles

Okay your supposed to begin with the ending and work towards the beginning. In my life I have not set many goals and what goals I've set got sidetracked fairly quickly. Today I'm feeling a bit sad because the 221 pounds I was so proud of has returned to 223 and I know that is the weight my body is currently set at. I have been trying to figure out how to move that set point to 200 which is my first interim goal on my way to 125

I knew I was going to weigh myself this morning and last night I found myself nibbling potato chips & jelly beans and other stuff I should not have been even considering. I had caused my daughter to become very angry with me last night and I was punishing myself for upsetting her. What I can't figure out is why she is allowed to be upset by me but I don't allow myself to show my anger towards her.

If I am afraid of losing my daughter because of anger ... well maybe I am in a way but that is unfounded as are many of my reactions towards her. I do not know when my daughter became this cruel monster that haunts my mind certainly I don't see the reactions I expect. Its more like I'm waiting for the day and I don't know why. I have no basis for the fear at all. She is actually quite an understanding young woman when she wants to be. Sure she gets angry put other than throwing a few things or stomping her feet I have never seen her act as I would expect a physical abuser to act. I think I have turned my daughter into a mean bitch in my head and I don't know why.

Beginnings are not easy nor are endings but the middle usually writes itself. I am aware that I'm not being very clear and that is because I had no clear idea what I was planning to write only that it was June 1st and over the next month a VERY big occasion is coming, my daughters wedding. If we can get through that with our skins intact then we will be set I hope

Ok what I have planned for June aside from the wedding and a slew of appointments is:

  • A photo a day using fatmomslim's Photo a Day challenge
  • blogher's NaBloPoMo who's topic this month is "Comment"
  • createwritenow 24 days Whole Health Journaling challenge
  • increase my away from computer time to 2 hours 45 minutes of which needs to be movement based
  •  Prep and freeze 4 meals during the first week

I think that will make for a reasonably busy month especially as I am sitting at seven appointments as of today and after the 5th I expect to have a few more and after the 11th they will probably increase again. For those that are interested I go for a physio assessment on the 5th and after the 11th I expect to have a regular weekly counseling session again. Also from the 21st to the 25th I will be babysitting my grandsons while my daughter enjoys her honeymoon. A busy busy month!