Lies, Lies and more lies

I am so tired of the lies I keep hearing from GD#3, at the same time it is not my place to correct her. She said she was going home tomorrow, I hope so cause I really can't deal with her right now. I wish there was some way for me to disappear for a few weeks.

Time to contemplate my life and ... what? I honestly don't know. Robs heart attack made him take better care of himself, me ... nothing seems to have changed for me other than to see how barren my life has become. I honestly don't know the last time I felt I had meaning, that my continued existence had meaning, tonight I am not sure if it does.

Oh I am sure my family would disagree but I don't know why I am still alive. I am not sure that I even want to be alive. I feel like my dad did just before mom died, I need a long vacation from my life.

I am not even sure I can explain it to you, the emptiness I feel inside me. I am a mirror or a lamp post to the people in my life but there is no real core I can point to and say "that is who I am". I am a mirror and nothing more. There is no "Cheryl" just automatic responses. Did I say mirror, perhaps it is more like a robot. Present but not "present".

The worst part is it doesn't feel like depression, it feels ... like nothing. No place for me anywhere. Nothing I can point to and say that is me. I am hollow, empty, useless.

Even my phone doesn't belong to me anymore.

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My Birthday Trip- Day 4

Today is Ferry Day! I am not talking a ferry like the one in Toronto, this ship was huge! I guess it would have to be to hold 18 wheeler's plus dozens of other cars. The Chi-Cheemaun runs between South Baymouth on Manitoulin Island and Tobermory on Bruce Peninsula. It moves passengers and their vehicles between the above two points a few times a day. E got a business call when we were leaving the Ferry and he got pissy cause he's on vacation and still they called him. Anyway that meant that he left the ferry and the Port too quickly for me to speak about what we were supposed to do next or rather what I wanted to do first. After he calmed down a bit I asked him if we could go back and get tickets to take a ride on a glass bottom boat. We turned back and found the Blue Heron company that did the tours. We booked a tour instead of the explorer tour but that was because I was in pain after a fall during the morning. While we were waiting for the ferry we went for a walk to see...

My Birthday Trip- Day 3

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I do not lie, at least I avoid it as much as possible

I do not lie, at least I avoid it as much as possible. It is a point of pride for me to express myself with honesty. Remember what I said about the brain and how it tells us stories, false ones and true ones. The stories it tells are expressions of our inner thoughts and beliefs. This morning I was awakened my loud voices in the hall so being who I am I went to investigate to find my son with a homeless man and to catch a glimpse of a female fleeing the scene. What I found before that was another pile of emptied garbage bags strewn between the k-wing exit and the basement exit in the hall between the wings. My words to the man were "I trust you guys not to make a mess when you get inside". Or words to that effect anyway, making it sound like I actually opened the door and let them into the building. That was my brain blaming me because I didn't check the door after K3 came in at midnight and I should have. While I didn't technically open the door and say come in I m...

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