if you are cursed? Yes it is a dumb question in an age where belief in magic is not strong save in the intentions for a better life than the one you are living. Yet... I am tired and listless, my energy is up and down like a light switch. Ditto my viewpoint on life. Sometimes I wonder just what is still keeping me here on earth instead of free in the aether. Not my kids and not my grandchildren not E, they don't need me any more. I do not need to be alive but here I sit anyway.
I know what I should do, I even know the difference between should and must. I am discontent with my own laziness and procrastination and yet... the musts and shoulds are societies rules not mine. I am tired of trying to be what I should be and doing what I should be doing but even the musts have no power to move me. All I want to do is sleep away the days, at least in my dreams I am happy I think. I think because I do not know, I no longer recall my dreams not even the ones you have in the between times just before falling asleep or just waking up.
The words are scrambled in my head and I have trouble tracking even simple phone calls. I feel like I am worn to the bone and all I want to do is rest and have someone else tend my home, make my meals and all the other everyday stuff that needs must be done. if I had sufficient income I would sign myself into one of those retirement homes where they do everything for you and you can just sit and read or play games all day. Oh to be a kid again.
Its stupid, my childhood was not normal by todays standards, I lived in homes without electricity, running water and indoor plumbing, I even lived in a tent for five months. I suppose there are still people who live like that but I am not one of them any more. Do I miss it? Not really I miss the lack of responsibility, that fell to my parents.
The more og this most recent generation I see the less I want to be here. They are spoiled brats most of them. Oh there are paragons and maybe there will be enough of them to save this generation. We baby-boomers started this mess by chasing the almighty dollar instead or caring about the planet we live on.
This ramble makes no sense to me so I figure it won't make any to you either. All I know is I want to go to bed and never get out of it again like the grandparents in "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" or move in with my kids and have them look after me, cept I don't want to live with either of my kids. My daughter has too many animals and my son is a surly SOB.
Yeah I said it I am a bitch and it has steadily getting worse as the overwhelm I feel gets stronger. It knocks me sideways a lot. When I lost interest in crafting I became concerned, today I sit here and I don't want to read or play my games and I am no longer concerned I am scared. I think that fall that made me aware of the cancer in my breast changed something else. Or knocked some kind of blockage away.
I am feeling lost and emotional and crazy and sad and angry and afraid and so many more negative emotions. The self-hatred is getting strong again. A hatred for my inability to do just the simple things like cook a meal every day or doing laundry or even sweep the damn floor. I am getting close to tears and that usually indicates that I have reached my emotional limits yet again.
E understand I will not commit suicide, I am too much of a coward for that. Though as a certain doctor told me there are many ways to kill yourself its just that some of them take a long time. For awhile I thought the obesity would finally take me out, it might yet, though all indications are that despite the way I treat it my heart and lungs I will be around for a long time yet.
I need a catalyst of some kind but if breast cancer and a stroke scare hasn't done it I don't know what will. Oh and forget bribery it doesn't work any more, there is nothing I want except for this life to end or for me to recover some of who I used to be before I became this black hole. I am sure that as soon as I take my medication I will feel better for awhile but it never goes away this longing for light and love and laughter.
I fake laugh a lot I don't even realize I'm doing it, a symptom of what the obesity, the depression, the fibro, cancer, stroke, heart attack, or just plain old fear of the unknown and unknowable. I'm pretty sure you the reader are thourouly confused by the rambling nature of the thoughts here. It is the litany that has been in my brain for awhile. I hope writing it down will help mitigate itself somewhat.
Comments
Post a Comment