Wednesday, May 2, 2018

Motherhood

I am that mother. Never protective, always expecting them to be self-sufficient while I pursue my own life.

I wasn't always, I took care of my kids, keeping them clean, feeding them, making sure they had clothes and whatever else they needed for school. I was the favourite mother on the block just because I didn't try to control them but let them find their own way.  Hugs and kisses abounded and I always told them how much I loved them.

That was until I moved them to Mississauga because of a man and ended up six months later having a complete mental breakdown. I was deep in depression and really could not see that they needed more than I gave them.

It took me years to get myself back as I had to reinvent myself nearly from scratch. My kids suffered but I could not bring myself to care.

Eventually we came back to Peterborough but things were very different. I still did the things a mother is supposed to do, I even provided them with a father figure for a few years, but I was not the girl who had left Peterborough a scant two years before.

When they became teenagers they both got into a bit of trouble, though my daughter less than my son. He ended up spending some time in juvie. When he was 14 and she was 15 we moved to Brampton and I stayed in the Toronto area for a lot of years. They on the other hand came back to Peterborough as soon as they were 16.

I lost touch with both of them for a couple of years and I didn't bother to check on them, they were near my family which meant they would be looked after. It didn't work out that way but that was my belief.

I lost nearly complete touch with my son until his daughter was born. I was present in her life off and on but not nearly as much as I wanted to be because I never knew where he lived, he never called. When he did come to me it was because he needed help and after his probation ended he was gone again. He expected me to keep track of him, to call him weekly like some other mothers do, that is not me and I guess that makes him angry but again I don't care.

My daughter is the same but different. She was a single mom like me and we bonded over that. She or her daughter stop by a couple of times a month to check on me. Its different, when her daughter was born I was in the delivery room, I was there for both her sons too. I know where she is and we talk often, she calls me. But she has her life and I have mine and she does not expect me to be the perfect mother. Plus if I tell her No she might get angry but she doesn't disappear into it.

I don't think I'm a bad mother but I'm over 55 and I want to live my life not look after them!

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

I can picture the life I want to live

I can picture the life I want to live and the way I want to live it. Its so simple really get up at 8am, make coffee and spend an hour writing my morning pages and to a penpal or two. Get dressed, make my bed, brush my teeth, eat breakfast and take my medication.

Put on my shoes or boots and go for a walk down to the creek or the river or wherever I need to go for my chores that day.

When I get back do my housekeeping chores: sweep the floor, quick clean the bathroom, get the stuff ready for lunch and dinner.

During lunch I would read.

After lunch some stretching or something, do the breakfast and lunch dishes, start prepping dinner

Spend a couple of hours sewing or knitting or some other handcraft and another couple on my swaps or special projects while catching up on some videos

Finish and eat dinner, do the dishes, clean the stove and counter Then spend the rest of the day playing with my journals, or my dolls or just surfing. When 8pm comes take my night time meds, shower and change into PJ's. Play my daily card games, read another couple of chapters in my current book then into bed at midnight.

So what stops me from living this life? I've asked the question before and like before I have no answer other than a ingrained laziness and lets face it an addiction to living in the virtual world rather than the real one.

I am fully capable of living that life, if I can see it I can do it, if I can get past the inertia that is holding me back

I remember swearing I would never let myself get old before my time but I have done exactly that, now I am trying to find my way back to my healthier more energetic self. She went away when my mother died and was just coming back when my father died so I have hope. Maybe this year... even if the first quarter is already gone, I still have three more to make it out of this shithole I've dug for myself.

Thursday, April 12, 2018

My Crafting Area

Swap: My Crafty Area  SB ID: Wildchild

I'll be honest the whole living area of my apartment is my crafty area. Besides reading and taking part in swaps its what I do. So for the purposes of this swap I have only shown the main parts.

This is a Ikea Kallax Series shelf unit, it was a Christmas gift from my boyfriend. It is the heart and soul of my crafting life. It contains my stashes and my tools and other stuff like my easel up top. The red bucket is full of Lego it usually sits up top as well.
fabric
yarn
tools
The crates I got from Home Hardware and they fit perfectly and keeps things neat

Next up is this pair of plastic drawers. They hold my die cuts and other paper. I have construction paper, card paper, printer paper and labels in here just to name a few. It also holds the odd gift I've received from swap partners or collected to send to partners for type three swaps.


Thats a display shelf beside it that I haven't got around to putting up yet. Do you want a peek at whats inside it? Ok!
gifts 
napkins
Die cuts
labels etc.
My bookshelf and printer table take up a whole corner. I have two printers an old color laser and a newish color inkjet. Most of the time I use the laser as in the long run its ink is cheaper than the ink jets. The bookshelf contains books on every craft I've ever been interested in and my plethora of journals new, full or in-progress they all stay here when I'm not working on them.


I have three work tables but I mainly use my desk, (easier to access the patterns and things online). The drawers hold my bullet journal and letter writing material (stamps, writing paper, pens, pencils, sticky notes and the like). My washi is also in a drawer.

It doesn't look like much space but when I push the keyboard back I have a decent working surface. About a foot square.

If I need more space I go to one of the other tables (not pictured), which includes a bistro table and another ikea item a folding top table that goes from 18" to 3' of working space if I need it.

See that box under my desk? I have two of them, they were also a gift. This one holds the fashion dolls waiting for play or alteration, the other one holds my sticker collection, it also makes a great foot stool when I need to put my feet up.

For the most part I am happy with my set-up. That Kallax was a god-send before that I was keeping things in cardboard boxes or stuffed where ever I could find space. I also love my desk! It too is by Ikea and the top is just a board and comes off so if I decide to get a different kind of desk I would still have the use of the drawer units

I hope you have enjoyed this small tour of my crafting area! Don't forget to rate.





Sunday, March 11, 2018

Thinking

Do you wonder sometimes why you get stuck or are unable to keep to a routine or keep lists in your head of things that need doing but don't ever seem to get done?

I don't understand how this keeps happening to me! I start something, keep to it for a couple of days then don't do it any more?

A 'for instance' from my life: When I moved into this place eleven days ago I had a plan, eat better, sleep regular hours and use my rebounder every day. I managed to control my eating habits fairly well but after a couple of days the others fell away.

In the past few days I have slept 16 hours straight, got up after 5 hours sleep and stayed awake for 18 hours, slept for 3 hours and have now been awake for seven and a half hours.

I used the rebounder for two days but on the third day it became my dresser because putting my clothes away seemed like too much trouble.

I still have stuff to unpack and organize but just can't seem to get to it because my games and my reading takes up the time. In fact I spend most of every day sitting in this chair either reading or playing my games. I would get rid of my computer if it were not the repository for this and everything else like my clip art collection and my library.

I do my banking online, I have several email accounts plus several social media sites I frequent and so much more. Going back to how things were before I got my first computer seems impossible. I mean this is how I pay my bills for petes sake.

At the same time... I will continue to be useless in real life, lost in the pixels of cyberspace. And I really don't like the way that makes me feel.

I have been considering one of those electronic fasts but I run into the same thing, every thing I do is tied to this machine and I don't know if I could function without it.

Thursday, March 1, 2018

A Love Story

Have I ever told you the story of how I met the Professor?

I probably have but February got me to thinking how lucky I got to have made this connection. We are no longer a couple but we are still the best of friends and I will always be in love with him.

Lets see it was in 1997 when we first met through my daughter and a BBS (Bulletin Board System) group we both belonged to. This group had a face to face once a month I think and this young oriental man didn't stand out much to me the first few times I saw him. I say young because he is seven years younger than I am and looked ten years younger than his actual age of 30. He was always there floating around the edges with his camera and flirting with the 18-19 year olds.

My daughter and a couple of friends hung around him because he was known to be very generous to pretty girls and they helped him spend his money. But like most young men he was hoping to make a connection with one of them and though they liked being spoiled they had no interest in him beyond what he could buy them. Harsh but true!

After awhile they began to ask me to go along on some of the trips as a chaperone. Hoping that having an older woman along would stop him from chasing them.

One night as he was dropping the girls off after a meet he came in with my daughter. Earlier in the day they had asked me to speak to him on their behalf. As I said they thought of him as a nice but creepy older man, a sugar daddy.

We talked, after I passed on the message we spent several more hours debating something or other. It felt surreal but very pleasant to have a grown up conversation after spending so much time of talking to my then 18 year old daughter and her friends.

I remember a kiss, I think I'd had too much to drink and I dared him to kiss a real woman, in other words to kiss me. It was short and sweet but it still lingers in my head as it was that night I became interested in him as a possible mate and not a creepy guy chasing my daughter.

About this time my computer was giving me problems and he offered to fix it. I had no idea that he was a computer genius at the time. He seemed to know his stuff so I agreed to take it to his place so he could fix it. No price had been quoted but even before we arrived I knew how I was going to have to pay for it. No overt agreement was made but I think we both knew where we were headed. It turned out he was not bad in bed and I enjoyed what I figured was a one time thing.

A few weeks later he asked me if I wanted to go to a dinner and a show. I naturally assumed he meant a movie and dinner at some cheap restaurant. He took me to Stratford, Ontario to see Romeo and Juliet on stage and out to dinner at The Church which was the fanciest restaurant I had ever been in at that time. I think that is when I fell in love with him.

Between the sex and the stage show I was swept off my feet, from then on we were a couple. The girls were disappointed to find out that he was now spending all his money on me and doing less and less with them. Chalk one up for the older woman!


February Book Log

Hello Everyone! This one is for the readers out there. February is a short month as we all know and I have been reading albeit rather slowly to help get me past the inevitable February Blahs

CoverTitleAuthorComment
This Mortal Coil (This Mortal Coil #1)Suvada EmilyFirst hard cover I've read in a long while.
Its a near future techno thriller.
I spent one whole day reading it, I just couldn't put it down
Lemon Meringue Pie Murder (Hannah Swensen, #4)Fluke JoanneCozy Mystery, my go to for light reading
The Gender Game;(The Gender Game #1)Forrest BellaFound this on Amazon a a book of the week.
It is post-apocalypse but a different version than I've seen before. Another book that was
very hard to put down
In Cold BloodCopote TrumanPop sugar reading list: True crime
Not my usual cup of tea but it was mesmerizing.
Get the audio book though else it could be very confusing
Lord John and the Private Matter (Lord John Grey, #1)Gabaldon DianaPop sugar reading list: a book with an LGBTQ+ protagonist
A spin-off from the Outlander series
Casino Royale (James Bond, #1)Fleming IanPop sugar reading list: A book you meant to read in 2017 but never got too
My BF is a 007 nut and has been after me to read at least one of the series so I read #1
Dragonfly in Amber (Outlander, #2)Gabaldon DianaPop sugar reading list: Next book in a series you started.
I got through Outlander but it was an audio book. It was interesting this one wasn't
Double-Booked for Death (Black Cat Bookshop Mystery, #1)Brandon AliAnother cozy mystery, one I've wanted to read for awhile. I read it to drown the images of war & death in my head from Outlander.
Honeymoon of the Dead (Garnet Lacey, #5)Hallaway TateA vampire romance series, I love this author and have read several of her books & series
Almost Final Curtain,(Vampire Princess of St. Paul #2)Hallaway TateAnother vampire romance series.
A Court of Mist and Fury; (A Court of Thorns and Roses #2)Maas Sarah J.How to describe this one... post apocalyptic, within a faerie story, magic is real and humans are mundane. Just read it, I think you'll like it
The Secret Life of BeesKidd SuePop sugar reading list: a book that takes place
in the decade you were born in (for me 1960’s). I was pulled into the story from the beginning but it's hard to find the right description for it.
Sun StormLarsson AsaPop sugar reading list: Nordic Noir. I like a good mystery and this was that but I found it difficult to follow as it switched from past to now and back again without any pause at least in the audiobook version I listened to
The Little Book of Hygge: The Danish Way To Live WellMeik WikingI have been interested in learning more about Hygge since I ran across the term last year. Short but informative. I will definitely be putting some of the ideas in use.

Saturday, February 17, 2018

Valuable insights

I value my eyesight above all of my other senses. Sound and touch can convey necessary information but they can not allow you to become immersed in a book or a movie or even nature. For that you need sight.

Why am I mentioning this? I went to get my yearly eye test, it is a requirement of a person with diabetes, this week. I was diagnosed a couple of years ago but didn't make many changes in what I ate and drank. This past week changed that.

During my exam the optometrist asked if my sugars had been fluctuating? I told her I didn't know because I only got my blood tested when it was time to go see the doctor. She next asked me if I had noticed any fluctuations in my eyesight as fluctuating level can affect the eyes in a diabetic person. Since this had been happening I listened for the first time and actual began to pay attention to my brain and body during the day.

In the week since I have stopped drinking coffee, I ran out, and have been drinking green tea. I have also stopped putting maple syrup on bread and calling it a sandwich as well as several other bad habits I had. I have noticed that my vision stays clear until I get tired which makes the sacrifices more than worth it.

Who knew? I've also been looking for the meter I bought a couple of years ago but so far no luck. If I don't find it during the packing I will have to replace it somehow. That is a problem for a later date.