I am lost

 I am so lost right now. I do not even know what I want from them. Maybe to take some of the responsibility from me. But no one can do that. They are right I need to talk to him. to find out where he is with the disability and the child tax credit and everything else. I don't know what he has done or not done, I do not even know why I am leaning on Nessa to help him out when I don't even know what  kind of help he needs.

I do not know what is going on in my head. I do not understand anything I've said or why it makes me cry.

I keep looking for the beginning of the conversation. I don't know how to copy it all down so I can figure out what went wrong.

"Don't forget I've food at my house. You're welcome to it."

" True, I just hate waiting I don't have patience and I can't do a big grocery shopping until it comes. I think I may wait until you're home I don't know if I want to go there. Like I said  I don't want anything to do with Scarlett and Myles and their bs."

"Considering that your brother is trying to live on $5 a month after his rent is paid, you might have a bit more sensitivity"

"I will have more sympathy when he thanks me for anything I've ever done for him in the past. I've never recieved a thank you for anything. I'm sorry he's dealing with that but there are ways around it and he needs to figure it out. Like having a boss instead of being his own boss"

Why not show a little compassion and help him without the thanks. That sounds a little selfish to me" Look I don't want to get on your case. Your opinion is your own, but some compassion for your brother might not be misplaced"  

This is how it began. The next message I got was a diatribe against her brother. I lost my temper and said some things I shouldn't have.  There are so many words. I need to ask E how I get them into a form I can read. I just know that there was a feeling of utter selfishness in her responses. I think we weren't talking about her brother at all but something fundamentally wrong in our understanding of each other. 

I need to figure out why what she wrote hurt me so. I need to understand why even now the tears are right there right now. I need to understand how this conversation and the next one reduced me to tears. I don't cry about much but I'm doing a lot of crying right now.