I have been looking at my should's.

I realized last night that I have a lot of rules for myself and some of them may have medical evidence to back them up but a lot of them are just arbitrary rules I learned along the way.

I should be in bed by 10 pm and asleep by midnight. Why? I'm not tired then I get tired later like 2 am

I should be up and out of bed by 7 am. (my parents) I don't go to school anymore and have nothing to do all day why do I should I be up by then?

I should eat a big breakfast, a medium size lunch and a small dinner. Granted it makes sense but what if you can't afford it or are unable to prepare anything due to a lack of energy? My illness almost guarantees that I run out of energy quickly and when I push myself I need to take 4-7 days to get enough energy to do anything again.

These are just a few of my should's. I've decided that every time I think "I should" I will stop and look at what that should is and rather it fits me and my life.

Things like I should brush my teeth twice a day, shower every day, and exercise 3 x a week all have valid medical evidence to back them up but they are also arbitrary society rules made up by god knows who, probably big business, to sell stuff. They deal with the seemly common fact that body odour and being overweight are both bad things. I am not convinced of that but what do I know? They are just not much of a priority to me.

I should sweep my floor, do my dishes and cook every day. Uhm I barely have the energy to get dressed most days. Plus I am alone here and I don't make a big mess, that only happens when my grandchildren come to visit.

I guess that is enough for today, I'm making myself even more depressed than I was before I started writing this. The gist of it is that I am looking at the rules I live my life by and re-evaluating them.

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July 9th & 10th

I was on my way to see GD#3 in Aurora with my son when he made me an offer I couldn't refuse. Everlovin' was planning on coming down to get me that night after work. I was a little worried because it meant he would be very tired after working all day and then driving the 2 hrs to get me and the 2 hrs back cause we needed to be at the airport at 9:30 or so. My son said that Aurora was pretty close to where Everlovin' lives near the border of Toronto and Markham so he could drop me off and save Everlovin from having to make the trip. It also meant I could worry less about his heart and the fatigue he would be feeling with the time change between Ontario and Alberta. So instead of spending the night traveling dinner was provided by my MIL and I got to sit out under the gazebo and see all the pretty flowers my BIL has grown. I need to say before I go any further that I had never been on a jet before, I'd ridden in a fixed wing so it wasn't totally strange. I was beyon

Perhaps I was a little hasty...

Last night all I could think about was getting out of this town and going to someplace safe and quiet. Funny enough when I went searching for safe and affordable Peterborough was actually on the list and yes the list was new as of June 2022. Kinda surprised to find that we are actually pretty safe here despite all the stuff going on. I was watching Tik Tok and this guy was jogging down a street in Vancouver, there were literally dozens of tents and homeless all along the street. Made me realize that we do have it pretty good here even with the rents doubling in the last six months. I would rather not leave Ontario but the cheapest rents are in Quebec and one of the eastern provinces, I can't remember which one off the top of my head. This is scary Maybe I'll find a way to curb the urge to run away for awhile.

July 12

Today we head to Calgary after E is done working. We packed up and checked out of the Sandman. I spent most of the day in a place called Cafe on 54. E joined me and grabbed himself a Reuban when he was done which he seem to like. I worked on the journal and drew a picture of Edmonton before we landed. Scan and add photo of art work. We had to wait for the network guy while he returned his car so we hung out at a nearby gas station though it was a bit more than that with a car wash and a convenience store. It was a long wait so I grabbed some junk food. I lost one of the things I bought but the 7 day croissant was pretty good. The network guy wanted to stop at a beach called Sylvan Beach on the way to Calgary. It was interesting, one of those lakes where you can walk out a long way before it starts to get above your knees. There was a camping area, a playground, and a small marina. I walked along the kelp-strewn beach looking for a stone or two, what I found were waterlogged wood

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