Skip to main content

Circumstances and consequences

 The happy thoughts at least let me sleep reasonably well last night, the last time I got out of bed was at 2:30 a.m. to relieve myself, next thing I knew it was 9:00 a.m. If you are not E you probably wonder why that is a big deal. The fact of the matter is it has been a while since I only woke up once in the night, I am usually up 3 or 4 times a night, so to me it is a big deal.

Now 2.5 hours later I have eaten, taken my medication and I am yawning and my eyes are heavy. Perhaps because of the painkiller I take 4x a day, perhaps because of depression perhaps not. It is what it is. My thinking is fractured and my energy is nearly non-existent.

But that is not why I am here today, I promised E I would make an effort to write every day because strangely writing helps me sort thoughts out and put them in a sensible order. I have been journaling for a long time and it has always helped when my brain gets fuzzy like this if I do it.

A couple of months ago I walked into a burial service to which I was neither invited nor welcome. We were looking to go swimming but the beach we wanted to go to didn't allow dogs and since we were in the area we decided to go to the graveyard to visit Mom and Dad. There was a gathering there and at first I didn't think about it, I figured I didn't know them. I was wrong.

Turned out it was a bunch of my cousins on my dad's side of the family came to bury their sister and her husband. They are the family I wanted to be part of in my younger days but …

There were a couple of bad moments involving that family at my father's funeral and I had only spoken to the younger ones since then and that seldom. 

The cousin they were burying was five years deceased, her ashes were in her husbands' custody, a fact I did not know. I hugged everybody, apologized to everybody I needed to apologize to, and then put my foot in my mouth again with a member of the younger generation this time. 

I left but the depression had already begun and I needed to get away from them. I am having a hard time with acceptance since she had been a companion during my early school days. 

We had had a falling out during my drinking days and I had always had the hope that I would be able to ask her forgiveness someday. I didn't expect it to be at her graveside. 

I got through the rest of that day and then fell into the deepest depression I've been in since my mom died. My father died after her but he was sick for a long time before he passed so it wasn't as quick as hers had been. 

(Sides I felt responsible for my mother's death, I felt I was the one who gave that bacteria an entrance into her bloodstream by accidentally pulling out her catheter.)

(My mom was injured in an accident and although she was alive and healthy she was confined to a wheelchair for 11 years before she passed. She was also just past her 50th birthday.)

Back to the funeral & the depression that followed, still seems to follow me. I found myself sleeping 18 to 20 hours a day, I was unable to do anything, I had trouble concentrating, and I lost all interest in things except sleeping.

After a month of this, I began to come out of it a bit. Only a bit because I was still sleeping 12 hours a day. There was nothing I wanted to do. There was lots that needed doing but nothing I could make myself do.

One day I just woke up and decided to hell with this I needed to find something to do. I tried a few things but nothing clicked until I saw the ad for a film school in BC. I remembered a dream from long ago about creating my own short animation film. 

I checked out the curriculum self-study for the animation course and found out there were a lot of little parts that go into making the whole so I began a course of self study.

I am more than a little confused by everything I need to learn but I have many years to teach myself the basics.. At $20,000 per semester, I couldn't afford to go to the school and thus home study. Until today when I realized I have no way of knowing if my stuff is good or correct without a teacher. Today I am looking around the internet to find peer groups that can maybe help me with that.

or I will be once I sleep and then kick myself in the ass to do something besides let this gloom get me down. Tomorrow I will talk about each course here and then try to find or make a lesson plan of some sort as it has been kinda hit and miss without one

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

My Birthday Trip- Day 4

Today is Ferry Day! I am not talking a ferry like the one in Toronto, this ship was huge! I guess it would have to be to hold 18 wheeler's plus dozens of other cars. The Chi-Cheemaun runs between South Baymouth on Manitoulin Island and Tobermory on Bruce Peninsula. It moves passengers and their vehicles between the above two points a few times a day.    E got a business call when we were leaving the Ferry and he got pissy cause he's on vacation and still they called him. Anyway that meant that he left the ferry and the Port too quickly for me to speak about what we were supposed to do next or rather what I wanted to do first. After he calmed down a bit I asked him if we could go back and get tickets to take a ride on a glass bottom boat. We turned back and found the Blue Heron company that did the tours. We booked a tour instead of the explorer tour but that was because I was in pain after a fall during the morning. While we were waiting for the ferry we went for a walk to see...

My Birthday Trip- Day 3

 We started early because we needed to get to the Preserve before dark as absolutely no white light is allowed and that includes car lights. We stopped at the Anishnabe Trading Store, where I met this fellow. From the outside it didn't look that big but inside it was huge.  As you can see behind him there is a lot of stuff. We also stopped at the Iroquois Cultural Centre. Being in there was deeply moving like being in a holy place. I didn't get any pictures because it felt wrong to do so. We stopped at Bridal Veil Falls. The climb down wasn't too bad but the walk back up was murder on my lungs. This was taken about half-way down I think. I had planned to sleep in one of these but I'm glad we changed our mind, the teepee doesn't have a floor. Instead we stayed in a bunkie.  Two rooms and no heat, also no running water or indoor toilet so we had to use a outhouse. That wouldn't have been so bad but the outhouses were set 25 yards or so from the bunkie. Not fun wh...

Rest Assured I'm still here

 Albeit tired in a way I can not describe well but I will try. November was a quiet month with very little going on and was just what I needed after such a busy summer. I am still feeling off but that may have been because I had what I think was a mini-stroke just at the end of November then December brought GD#3 back full-time. The shakes are steadily getting worse and the headaches are back. It has been awhile since I felt so tense and afraid. It could just be a stress headache but I keep coming back to the massive one I had the night before I got checked out for the stroke. It frightens me but it shouldn't I used to get them a lot last winter, it's because our radiators blow warm, dry air and it dries me out. The thing is even drinking water does not seem to help much. My guess is that I am very dehydrated from the heaters, with the added stress of Christmas and GD#3, all of which add up to "I don't feel so good". Add the mini-stroke stuff and winter arriving a...