Circumstances and consequences

 The happy thoughts at least let me sleep reasonably well last night, the last time I got out of bed was at 2:30 a.m. to relieve myself, next thing I knew it was 9:00 a.m. If you are not E you probably wonder why that is a big deal. The fact of the matter is it has been a while since I only woke up once in the night, I am usually up 3 or 4 times a night, so to me it is a big deal.

Now 2.5 hours later I have eaten, taken my medication and I am yawning and my eyes are heavy. Perhaps because of the painkiller I take 4x a day, perhaps because of depression perhaps not. It is what it is. My thinking is fractured and my energy is nearly non-existent.

But that is not why I am here today, I promised E I would make an effort to write every day because strangely writing helps me sort thoughts out and put them in a sensible order. I have been journaling for a long time and it has always helped when my brain gets fuzzy like this if I do it.

A couple of months ago I walked into a burial service to which I was neither invited nor welcome. We were looking to go swimming but the beach we wanted to go to didn't allow dogs and since we were in the area we decided to go to the graveyard to visit Mom and Dad. There was a gathering there and at first I didn't think about it, I figured I didn't know them. I was wrong.

Turned out it was a bunch of my cousins on my dad's side of the family came to bury their sister and her husband. They are the family I wanted to be part of in my younger days but …

There were a couple of bad moments involving that family at my father's funeral and I had only spoken to the younger ones since then and that seldom. 

The cousin they were burying was five years deceased, her ashes were in her husbands' custody, a fact I did not know. I hugged everybody, apologized to everybody I needed to apologize to, and then put my foot in my mouth again with a member of the younger generation this time. 

I left but the depression had already begun and I needed to get away from them. I am having a hard time with acceptance since she had been a companion during my early school days. 

We had had a falling out during my drinking days and I had always had the hope that I would be able to ask her forgiveness someday. I didn't expect it to be at her graveside. 

I got through the rest of that day and then fell into the deepest depression I've been in since my mom died. My father died after her but he was sick for a long time before he passed so it wasn't as quick as hers had been. 

(Sides I felt responsible for my mother's death, I felt I was the one who gave that bacteria an entrance into her bloodstream by accidentally pulling out her catheter.)

(My mom was injured in an accident and although she was alive and healthy she was confined to a wheelchair for 11 years before she passed. She was also just past her 50th birthday.)

Back to the funeral & the depression that followed, still seems to follow me. I found myself sleeping 18 to 20 hours a day, I was unable to do anything, I had trouble concentrating, and I lost all interest in things except sleeping.

After a month of this, I began to come out of it a bit. Only a bit because I was still sleeping 12 hours a day. There was nothing I wanted to do. There was lots that needed doing but nothing I could make myself do.

One day I just woke up and decided to hell with this I needed to find something to do. I tried a few things but nothing clicked until I saw the ad for a film school in BC. I remembered a dream from long ago about creating my own short animation film. 

I checked out the curriculum self-study for the animation course and found out there were a lot of little parts that go into making the whole so I began a course of self study.

I am more than a little confused by everything I need to learn but I have many years to teach myself the basics.. At $20,000 per semester, I couldn't afford to go to the school and thus home study. Until today when I realized I have no way of knowing if my stuff is good or correct without a teacher. Today I am looking around the internet to find peer groups that can maybe help me with that.

or I will be once I sleep and then kick myself in the ass to do something besides let this gloom get me down. Tomorrow I will talk about each course here and then try to find or make a lesson plan of some sort as it has been kinda hit and miss without one