Time

 I've missed a couple of days because I am not feeling well at all. I want to blame the rain but that I think is only part of it.

I do not like where I am in my head right now so I figure if I write it down maybe it will stop bothering me.

E once again denied me permission to move back in with him even though he says that he misses me when he is back there. At this point I have had enough, he says he loves me but that is not shown in his reactions.

I am aware that I really don't have the right to live with him and I understand that after I left twice he doesn't trust me but if that is so why does he not just kick me out of his life once and for all.

I have tangled him tight in the family drama I live with but he is more than capable of backing off and going his own way. Some days I wish he would, other days I don't know what I would do without his financial protection especially when it come to medications and stuff. I would manage without the phone I think as that is the major hold he has over me, he pays my phone bill.

I am a kept woman just not a well kept one and until recently I accepted that. Until recently I was happy for that but these days... I feel trapped in a place I do not want to be in, a town I do not want to be in, a life devoid of meaning for the most part. The tears always seem close and I do not cry often.

Last night between E and Nessa I felt like I had no control over my life at all, merely pushed by one or the other in the direction they want to take me in, no thought if I wanted to be where they want me to go.

tears, tears and more tears as I sit here and try to figure my way out of this situation. My whole mind and body say run but that takes money and mine is all spoken for at least until January of next year because of the stupid Adobe stuff. Do not ever sign up for one of their packages you are stuck with it for a whole year unless you are willing to pay some kind of penalty amount, which I might just do to have it gone but again money I don't have.

I have been giving some thought to getting the hell out of here, just hop a bus and see how far I can go before I run out of money but that means leaving bills unpaid. Some of course I can cancel at any time like the internet but again that stupid adobe stuff...

I am hesitant to post this but E says he likes to know where my mind is at and what I'm doing, so here you go E, make of it what you will. I am too tired to fight and too fed up to stay still so if one day I don't answer the phone or call you back you will know I have left and I have no idea where I'm going to end up.