Skip to main content

Escape

Image
By

 I can't shake the feeling I am going to be homeless soon and I don't know that I am ready for that.

Why do I feel that way, I'm not sure but I have the feeling just the same. It seems that troubles keep piling up and I can hardly breathe for all the things I feel responsible for. 

I am not supposed to be responsible for anyone or anything except myself, supposed to be so. I cry a lot inside myself, the dythymia is jumping all over the place, some days I feel manic other days it's a chore to get out of bed.

Stuff comes out of my mouth that I would not say if I were in my normal mindset  and the cloying air chokes me. I go off on people for no real reason except that they have said or done something to piss me off. The worst part for me is seeing myself do these things and being unable to stop myself.

This is my third iteration of myself or maybe the fourth and I do not like myself but it feels like I have stuff from a long time ago cropping up and I get that person was a lot different from me now. I want to get through this and become someone strong and maybe likeable.

Tears are close my throat is closing up.

I really need an electric bike and a tent, I need to get away from everyone and everything around me so I can figure out who the hell I am and what kind of life I want to live and that kind of solitude sounds great to me

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Rest Assured I'm still here

By
 Albeit tired in a way I can not describe well but I will try. November was a quiet month with very little going on and was just what I needed after such a busy summer. I am still feeling off but that may have been because I had what I think was a mini-stroke just at the end of November then December brought GD#3 back full-time. The shakes are steadily getting worse and the headaches are back. It has been awhile since I felt so tense and afraid. It could just be a stress headache but I keep coming back to the massive one I had the night before I got checked out for the stroke. It frightens me but it shouldn't I used to get them a lot last winter, it's because our radiators blow warm, dry air and it dries me out. The thing is even drinking water does not seem to help much. My guess is that I am very dehydrated from the heaters, with the added stress of Christmas and GD#3, all of which add up to "I don't feel so good". Add the mini-stroke stuff and winter arriving a...
1 comment
Read more

Perhaps I was a little hasty...

By
 Last night all I could think about was getting out of this town and going to someplace safe and quiet.  Funny enough when I went searching for safe and affordable Peterborough was actually on the list and yes the list was new as of June 2022. Kinda surprised to find that we are actually pretty safe here despite all the stuff going on. I was watching Tik Tok and this guy was jogging down a street in Vancouver, there were literally dozens of tents and homeless all along the street. Made me realize that we do have it pretty good here even with the rents doubling in the last six months. I would rather not leave Ontario but the cheapest rents are in Quebec and one of the eastern provinces, I can't remember which one off the top of my head. This is scary Maybe I'll find a way to curb the urge to run away for awhile.
1 comment
Read more

I'm Good (Blue)

By
"Part of the problem, time to set boundaries"- Everlovin Yeah I've been realizing that. A long time ago a counsellor told me that as well but I don't know if I have ever had any boundries in my life other than the usual if you hurt me or my kids you are gone. Back then it was physical stuff, emotional and mental pain were not part of my knowledge. I am more aware of it now but I don't have protect myself that way. "Start, if nothing else they will never learn to stand on their own 2 feet if you are constantly saving them from themselves"- Everlovin  Me and my partner discussing Personal Space. Not from him he is pretty good at giving me the space I need my children and grandchildren not so much     He says this song should be my theme song but it really isn't even close to the way I feel about my life these days. Once maybe but it has been a long time. I've read a lot of books in my life about self awareness in its many forms (self-care, self-est...
Post a Comment
Read more