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mind over matter?

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 Another night where my mind will simply not shut up until I write what is going on in it.

Today was strange or maybe it is just my thoughts. I did not get out of bed until 3pm not because I slept that long, I just couldn't seem to get myself moving until  until L called me and asked me if I wanted to go for a walk with him. I jumped at the chance because it got me up and moving.

We walked all about 6 km and talked about many things starting with why he was in a pensive mood and ending discussing a house he had a large interest in. Got to admit I liked it too. We were invited in for a quick look see of the main floor which included a formal dining room and a kitchen I could be tempted to kill for with a view that was exquisite. For me the energy in that house was filled with feelings of love and joy. It made me a bit hyper and talkative which is unusual for me.

When we got back we stopped to talk to Alex and Dillon  who are also tenants here. We were talking about the disaster I mentioned yesterday and I asked for a cigarette cause I thought it would calm me but instead it made me even more talkative though I found myself repeating the same words over and over in a rambling way like I was high or something. Eventually I wound down and we came inside. 

Quick side note I did see Cash and tell her she wasn't welcome here anymore, I think that is when I realized I was a bit out of control and decided me on going inside. Just as well I did cause things got a little fuzzy and I got sick to my stomach. That is typical for me every time I smoke tobacco these days.

Anyway my behaviour outside was on my mind when I went to lie down to sleep just now. From there it went back to the house and then to the place where my thought started running an imaginary conversation that wouldn't shut up.

In Buckhorn where I grew up is a place where the first house I ever lived in 2 brothers and a sister later it burned down  or rather was caused to burn down by my mother. My dad was fine with six of us living in a two room shack my mom not so much.

I went back twice now to get in touch with that place and certain memories of it I want to deal with and both times I was interrupted before I could even begin to process it, so I was thinking I want to go back and try one more time this summer. 

I suspect my cousin will appear just as she has the last two times but this time I need to get through it so I have decided that I will tell her to go away so I can do what I came to do. I don't think it will go over well but I need to do this and I need to do it without interruption and I will tell her so. Hopefully she will go back down the hill to her own house and allow me to do what I need to do.

That is the conversation that was going round and round in my head. Maybe now it will stop.



 

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