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Tears

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I am lost in my head today and my heart hurts. I've had to close my window to the out-siders and I have told them why. If I don't I risk losing my apartment and I will not allow myself to become homeless but then I'm accused of lying. I care I care too much but I can't afford to lose my apartment I just can't going out in the cold it makes my knee go haywire and I can barely walk.

Yeah E I know I should have told you that but I still want to do the week-end we planned I will just have to wear my brace

The tears won't stop but at least they are silent, when I first was ordered to stop I burst into loud noisy tears as soon as I closed my window.

The outsiders are so used to being homeless that someone withdrawing support to keep the roof over their head seems to them like I was faking the whole time my window was available to them because now it isn't. I understand them being upset at me I'm upset too. I will not give up my home for them I can't. 

With the cold comes all sorts of aches and pains that only come when its cold. Those aches and pains limit my activity enough without being forced to sleep outside. Oh I could couch surf for a little while but what kind of life is that for a 65 year old woman. 

The tears won't stop , the lonliness and depression are already making themselves known. If I were not so fearful I wouldn't care I'd do it anyway but 60 days from the end of November puts us smack into the end of January I would not survive.

I know I have people who will take me in for a few weeks maybe but it is not the same as having my own place. 

Two days later the water is back on my sill because I had about 35 bottles that I know I won't drink all of. The sign in my window says only water and juice crystals knock. Some will see it and it will eventually all be taken it's just going to take a little bit. After two day of the sign telling everyone I was ordered to close my window they are going to be reluctant and since they know why it happened they will avoid the area for a week or so. Still better out there than in here going to waste.

The food I sent to the tiny homes, the first aid stuff I sent to 186. 

I am still not sure if I'm going to be able to pay my rent but at least I am safer now than I was. I will get to keep the apartment for a little while at least. 

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