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Tears

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I am lost in my head today and my heart hurts. I've had to close my window to the out-siders and I have told them why. If I don't I risk losing my apartment and I will not allow myself to become homeless but then I'm accused of lying. I care I care too much but I can't afford to lose my apartment I just can't going out in the cold it makes my knee go haywire and I can barely walk.

Yeah E I know I should have told you that but I still want to do the week-end we planned I will just have to wear my brace

The tears won't stop but at least they are silent, when I first was ordered to stop I burst into loud noisy tears as soon as I closed my window.

The outsiders are so used to being homeless that someone withdrawing support to keep the roof over their head seems to them like I was faking the whole time my window was available to them because now it isn't. I understand them being upset at me I'm upset too. I will not give up my home for them I can't. 

With the cold comes all sorts of aches and pains that only come when its cold. Those aches and pains limit my activity enough without being forced to sleep outside. Oh I could couch surf for a little while but what kind of life is that for a 65 year old woman. 

The tears won't stop , the lonliness and depression are already making themselves known. If I were not so fearful I wouldn't care I'd do it anyway but 60 days from the end of November puts us smack into the end of January I would not survive.

I know I have people who will take me in for a few weeks maybe but it is not the same as having my own place. 

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