Yesterday my eldest grand-daughter got married, its a new chapter in her life and in some ways her mama's and my life too. I am sad and joyful at the same time. My beautiful girl has clearly reached adulthood. I wonder where the years have gone.
Time and tide wait for no one but oh I wish that just for a moment time would stop and rewind to when she was little. It's hard enough to accept how close my children are to their 50's but harder still to accept that my grand-daughter is now someone's wife.
My second oldest grand-daughter got married last year, there are still six more grand-children but they are still children and I suspect I will be well into my 70's before they get married. I know this doesn't make sense but GD#1's wedding feels like the closing of a book.
I was having difficulty with the "I'm going to be 65 in October" but there is so much more happening this year. My second oldest niece is turning 30 and her sister will be 29, GD#1 and GD#2 are both married women in their 20's (24 & 26) and GS#1 turns 16. My baby turns 46 this year and my DD is 47. If I could stop time I would.
I do not know how to go on, what to do with this new chapter in my life. I feel lost but worse I feel like an old dog who goes off to die because they know they are no longer needed and they do not want to burden their family with their death.
I feel like it's time for me to disappear. They will mourn but better that then for me to become a burden. My mind is slowly but surely grinding to a halt, my body is falling apart. It is past time for me to be gone.
I am aware of how choppy this entry is, my writing is getting worse and worse because as choppy as this is what is going on in my brain is worse.
The end
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