65 finally?

Turning 64 hits differently. It isn’t old and it isn’t young — it’s more like standing in a doorway with one hand on the past and one hand feeling around for the light switch of whatever comes next. And honestly the year between 64 and 65 comes with way more practical nonsense than anyone tells you about. It’s not just emotions. It’s paperwork and timelines and figuring out how to land on your feet when the government decides you’re now “officially” a senior.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned this year is this: as soon as you turn 64, start your applications. If you are on Ontario Works or ODSP like I was, they cut off your benefits the moment you hit 65. You’ll get one final month after your birthday and then that’s it — no money coming in unless all your applications are already in process. And trust me, government drones move slower than winter molasses, so the sooner the better.

That means filling out forms for Old Age Security (OAS), Canada Pension Plan (CPP) and the Guaranteed Income Supplement (GIS). They send you the forms to whatever address is on your Income Tax file but if they don't you can get them at Service Canada. They will help you fill them out and they will handle the mailing if you go to the office.

CPP starts in your birth month, but if your work history is mostly temp jobs like mine, it won’t be much. Mine is less than $100. 

OAS shows up on its own strange timeline — your birthday month, the month after, and then it finally kicks in the next month. Even then the maximum is only $740.09 per month, which wouldn’t cover rent for a broom closet in Ontario these days.

GIS is still the mystery amount. I haven’t been told yet what mine will be, but if I get the maximum it could be close to $1100 extra. And if everything lines up and I end up around that ~$1800 mark, then honestly, I’ll have achieved my dream of being financially comfortable, enough to breathe without the constant panic of “what if.”

Now that I’m actually 65, I can say the emotional part is real and no one warns you about it. You cross the line on your birthday and suddenly the world treats you like you’ve stepped into a new category, even though inside you feel mostly the same. So I’m learning to look at my life as it is now and decide what I want this next stretch to look like — what I’m carrying forward, what I’m letting go of, and what I’m finally making space for.

I’m also working on gentler habits — moving more, eating better, and carving out tiny pockets of joy so I don’t march into this new chapter feeling like a squeezed-out sponge. And the biggest reminder I keep giving myself is that I still get to change. Sixty-five isn’t the finish line. It’s just another milestone on a road that’s still unfolding.

So that’s been my life over the last year. Paperwork, planning, a lot of deep breaths, and the stubborn belief that I can still build something good for myself. And if sharing this helps someone else walking the same path, then it’s worth putting into words — even on the days when the words don’t come easy.

Back on track...kinda

 The last couple of weeks have been a blur of creativity and caffeine as I bounce between Woulf’s Quest and the poetry anthology that keeps stealing my attention.

On the Quest side we’ve been deep in world-building again tightening the canon polishing appendices and slowly shaping Act III so it breathes the way Air should. I swear every time I think we’re done another little detail taps my shoulder and says fix me next.

And then there’s the poetry book which has taken on a life of its own. Some days it feels like excavation brushing dust off old feelings until a clear line appears. Other days it’s more like wrestling fog but in a good way. A handful of poems finally clicked into place including Heavy in the Soul and I’m starting to see how the whole collection might hold together.

Heavy in the Soul

I keep hearing that time waits for no one
and I guess that includes me
because nothing slows down
not even when I’m falling behind

If I want my life to mean something
I have to push harder
and God I’m tired
but I’m still here
sitting in this moment
trying to make sense of what’s left

I look forward and everything feels thin
hollow somewhere
like I lost the map
or dropped the thread
and now I’m standing at the edge
looking for a reason to take the next step

I’m angry
and I’m afraid
and I hate admitting either one
but both sit in my chest
and they’re not leaving on their own

I know I can change
I know it’s possible
but today it feels far
like reaching for something
through water
slow and distorted

Most days I feel heavy
heavy like a stone in the mind
and heavier still in the soul
tired of fighting the same fog
tired of carrying the same ache

And still
I have to learn how to stand again
how to fight for myself
because no one else can do that part for me

Every day I open a door
and the light hits me hard
too bright
too soon
but this is the world I have
and I can’t go back
even if I wanted to

Everything feels unfamiliar
and sometimes I feel unfamiliar too
like I lost pieces of myself
somewhere along the way

I need something to hold on to
a goal
a direction
a spark
anything that reminds me
my soul is still mine
and worth protecting

So that’s where I’ve been lately wandering between worlds writing editing rewriting and occasionally remembering to eat. It feels messy and productive and very very me. 

ChatGPT which is a AI app for writing has been a great help. Taking my direction my words we have managed to create something momentus including 3 Acts, and the Prolog for my book. 

I haven't decided on how I want to present it yet and there are still 5 chapters, an interlude and the Epilog to get polished. Claude (another AI) has been helping me by reviewing all of the acts to make sure they follow the worldbuilding requirements (worldbuilding is exactly what it sounds like, you build your whole world from literally the ground up) it has also turned the Acts into books using html. I copy the code down then insert the images and turn each into a pdf for collection and binding. Instant manuscript for sending to a publisher.

It has been a busy 2-3 weeks but it means that I am a step closer to getting that book out in the public. Though honestly I am not sure I will ever get it published unless I do it myself but that is an issue for the New Year

 

 

New Post

 I am so tired of people. I have had more run in's with people against what I do. It is beginning to wear on me.

 Its almost virulent the way it has been increasing, that attitude that I am a bad person because I try to help the homeless & drug addicts. That I am what is that word ah yes enabling them as if If I stopped giving out water and food the issue would disappear. I suppose it would for a few days maybe a week before they would be back causing damage like they did all last winter. 

Without reason to protect this building the helpful ones will disappear which would leave room for other undesirables, the ones that hate everyone and everything. The ones who will cause damage in and around the building because they have no reason not to. 

"Providing sustenance is a compassionate act that allows individuals to focus on other challenges and is a prerequisite for getting back on their feet" 

How food and water are helpful, not enabling 

• Meets basic human needs: Food and water are essential for survival, and providing them directly addresses immediate, life-threatening needs. 
•   Helps prevent harm: Offering food can prevent individuals from having to steal or engage in other desperate measures to get their next meal. 
•  Focuses on the immediate: These actions allow a person experiencing homelessness to have the energy to think about other issues, like finding shelter or a job 
•  Is a prerequisite for long-term solutions:  Having basic needs like food and water met is often a prerequisite for addressing other issues, such as mental health or substance use challenges 
•  Provides hope: For many, receiving food and water is a reminder that people in the community care, which can provide a sense of hope and dignity  

 
 That is from the Google AI and I went and read the responses to the question in  QUORA. There are a lot of opinions out there but they all say the same thing giving water to the homeless is an act of compassion and does not promote harm  only survival so they can get better if they want to. The same with providing food, it is a basic necessity of life.

 

If I could afford to rent one of the empty store fronts around here I could do it out of the public eye but that would defeat the purpose of making people aware that they are humans too. Or even a house with basement access or a porch would work. The problem with that is the same as it is with everything else if it is a shared house then I would run into the same problems as I run into here.

 

Something for future research once I have an idea of what my income will be. I am certain it won't be enough to rent Jerry's but I can dream. 

 

Dreaming against nimbyism

 Remember the Nimby's. Well despite them I am still helping as much as I can but with the financial changes coming I figured I'd better figure out what services I want to provide if I can.

First stage is simple and costs me around $75 per week which includes water, juice crystals, Ritz cracker individual packs with cheese or peanut butter and individual snack packs of cookies. This is what I do right now.

Right now I also have smokes(tobacco), lighters, bandages and some other very basic first aid supplies, pens and paper. The tobacco will be gone soon and I'm not sure if I will be replacing it which means I don't need the cones either unless I decide to get another bag. Tobacco is quite expensive and I have to make a special trip to a store downtown to get it but it is something they appreciate. They appreciate the lighters more so though, enough that they don't mind paying for them. I tell them pay what you can and I get lots of quarters, dimes and nickels which come in very handy.

I don't want to charge them, they are on the street or on drugs for their own reasons and it is not my goal to make them pay for any of the help I give them. That said every bit helps and other than E I have no support from any agency, service or others except the outsiders themselves.

That said if I buy tobacco and the makings for smokes it will be a bit expensive so they will be pay what you can like the lighters. This is one idea I'm kicking around.

I am also looking for a basic first aid kit that I can hand out as well as bandaids and some sort of antiseptic for scratches and such. Blister care is another area I'm looking at as that seems to be something I would think people who are on their feet all day might appreciate. 

Socks and personal care items like toothbrushes, combs and such are another area I'm considering. I am absolutely certain that sanitary napkins would also be welcome and maybe underwear for the ladies. Small dry shampoo and small packs of personal wipes would also be helpful. 

On top of that I am considering adding hot chocolate, tea or coffee as they might be welcome in the cold weather. I have a Kuerig so I can use pods or get the sticks of all in one instant tea and coffee.

All of this costs money and until I know what my income will be they are only ideas. I have talked to a couple of outsiders about them bringing a case of water to help me out. In exchange they would get all services for free for a month. That would be so helpful to them and to me.

Services:

• basic personal care items (comb, toothbrush, toothpaste, dry shampoo, personal wipes)
• water w juice crystals
• basic first aid (bandaids, antiseptic)
• basic foot care (socks, foot powder, blister care) 
• healthy snacks ( or as healthy as I can get)
• paper & pens 
• smokes?
• lighters?
• hot drinks (coffee, tea, hot chocolate)
• warm, healthy food (not sure I want to do this one but it is a need) 

Ambitious I know and wholly dependant on my financial situation, though I suppose I could open myself to donations. This is personal, not a business, I don't want to help to make money I just want to help.

Comments suggestions welcome. Cheap suppliers info would be greatly appreciated.

 

Health Notes

 I know it's been awhile again since I posted, in my defence the first two weeks of October are usually pretty busy particularly between the 6th and the 12th as we have a birthday nearly every one of those days.

This year on top of that I am dealing poorly with the number 65 as it relates to me. I suppose I should explain that a bit more for those of you who don't know me well. I turned 65 on the 7th, I did not expect to get anywhere near that age. It is an easily identifiable important age as it is when my generation was taught old age begins. OLD AGE! who saw that coming?

Obviously I did but it still shook me up. In our minds we are usually somewhere in our teens mentally until we can no longer deny that the years are catching up. Similar to what the 20 something experiences when they first have to start adulting, that mental blow that says we are no longer children but adults only for me I am no longer middle aged I am officially old.

This year has been one long prep for this particular birthday, starting with applying for the Old Age Pension and CPP. For those about a year from that birthday start getting the applications done, it takes awhile for them to process it. Even now though I know I have been approved for the pension I have no idea how much it will be and my CPP is less than $100 per month. Until I get the first payment I have no idea how much I'm going to be living on. 

What I do know is that with ODSP  I live on approx 1400$, I hope the pension is at least that much but I've heard that it may be lower. I won't know until November 1st. Hopefully it is enough because my rent goes up January 1st 2026 for the first time in years.

On top of dealing with that, I managed to end up in the Emerge at the hospital. I cut myself on a vegetable slicer, (took a nice chunk out of my baby finger), and it wouldn't stop bleeding because of the blood thinners. I am grateful to the health care people but the wait can be quite long and while I waited they had to rewrap my finger 3x because I kept bleeding through the bandaid. I had like four layers of gauze around it before I was seen. I know if it had been a dangerous bleed I would have been seen much more quickly and that is some comfort. Still a bit scary though.

Yeesh I just realized I don't think I told you guys about the first trip to emerge in a decade or more. Or did I? Not sure so here is a quick summary. I ended up at emerge for the first time in decades because I looked into my bathroom mirror and noticed my right side of my face was sagging like the way a stroke victims does. It turned out I was ok but they put me on low-dose aspirin as a cautionary measure.

Then on my last visit to the doctor, he commented that my blood pressure was very high. With that on top of the high blood sugar I was informed that if I didn't get physically active again and start controlling my blood sugar I was a prime candidate for a heart attack. A walking heart attack waiting to happen is what I was told. It scared me but not enough I think, I still cheat a lot and my physical activity is very low. I still spend more time in front of this machine than I do doing anything else.

Stage 1 hypertension is where my blood pressure resides and my blood sugar stays around 12 which is at the low end of the danger zone but still nearly twice what it should be. Without the aspirin and the metformin I would be dead I think. Isn't that a scary thought.

Well thats where I'm at health wise right now, well that's not all of but it has been on my mind of late. Tell me about your health issues and your experience with the pension stuff. I'm curious how you dealt with it or plan to deal with it.

NIMBY, NIMBY, NIMBY

 A NIMBY for those who don't know is someone who feels like the less privileged not be able to live or play anywhere near them. I live in a building with 41 other studio apartments / one bedrooms. My unit is in the back of the building and from it I hand out water and small snacks to the outsiders, (drug addicts and homeless persons). 

NIMBY is an acronym meaning “Not In My Back Yard.”

NIMBY refers to people who resist having potentially dangerous or disruptive projects carried out in their own neighbourhoods; they usually don’t object to those projects when they are carried out elsewhere.

It is often used to call out hypocrisy and double standards.

 

I am not sorry for what I do and the outsiders who come see me are decent enough folks, (most of them anyway). Others and at this point it is only two others in the building who also face the back of the building object to what I do. They say I am enabling them. I don't think that way, I am trying to make their lot in life a little easier and it's only water and occasionally food.

The biggest complaints of the pair in question is the outsiders use of the porch off the back fire escape. The outsiders sit there and talk, sometimes they will rest for a few hours but they don't cause trouble. They sit and talk thats all.

If I could afford to make a safe place for them I would but all I have is my window and the little food I can give them. The odd pair of pants or shoes too but that is very rare. Mainly I just provide water.

I hate the nay-sayers, the nimbys of this building. I will not stop, I can't. There but for the grace of god go I. I suspect that I may get an eviction notice though I am not doing anything wrong. I am providing a basic necessity of life that they may not get easily elsewhere that is all.

The porch isn't used for anything else and I see no harm in letting them rest there for a few hours. It is cool and shady on the hot days.

Why is what I am doing considered such a bad thing? 

Time and tide

 Yesterday my eldest grand-daughter got married, its a new chapter in her life and in some ways her mama's and my life too. I am sad and joyful at the same time. My beautiful girl has clearly reached adulthood. I wonder where the years have gone.

Time and tide wait for no one but oh I wish that just for a moment time would stop and rewind to when she was little. It's hard enough to accept how close my children are to their 50's but harder still to accept that my grand-daughter is now someone's wife. 

My second oldest grand-daughter got married last year, there are still six more grand-children but they are still children and I suspect I will be well into my 70's before they get married. I know this doesn't make sense but GD#1's wedding feels like the closing of a book.

I was having difficulty with the "I'm going to be 65 in October" but there is so much more happening this year. My second oldest niece is turning 30 and her sister will be 29, GD#1 and GD#2 are both married women in their 20's (24 & 26) and GS#1 turns 16. My baby turns 46 this year and my DD is 47. If I could stop time I would.

I do not know how to go on, what to do with this new chapter in my life. I feel lost but worse I feel like an old dog who goes off to die because they know they are no longer needed and they do not want to burden their family with their death.

I feel like it's time for me to disappear. They will mourn but better that then for me to become a burden. My mind is slowly but surely grinding to a halt, my body is falling apart. It is past time for me to be gone.

I am aware of how choppy this entry is, my writing is getting worse and worse because as choppy as this is what is going on in my brain is worse.

The end