I have been looking at my should's.

 I realized last night that I have a lot of rules for myself and some of them may have medical evidence to back them up but a lot of them are just arbitrary rules I learned along the way.

I should be in bed by 10 pm and asleep by midnight. Why? I'm not tired then I get tired later like 2 am

I should be up and out of bed by 7 am. (my parents) I don't go to school anymore and have nothing to do all day why do I should I be up by then?

I should eat a big breakfast, a medium size lunch and a small dinner. Granted it makes sense but what if you can't afford it or are unable to prepare anything due to a lack of energy? My illness almost guarantees that I run out of energy quickly and when I push myself I need to take 4-7 days to get enough energy to do anything again.

These are just a few of my should's. I've decided that every time I think "I should" I will stop and look at what that should is and rather it fits me and my life.

Things like I should brush my teeth twice a day, shower every day, and exercise 3 x a week all have valid medical evidence to back them up but they are also arbitrary society rules made up by god knows who, probably big business, to sell stuff. They deal with the seemly common fact that body odour and being overweight are both bad things. I am not convinced of that but what do I know? They are just not much of a priority to me.

I should sweep my floor, do my dishes and cook every day. Uhm I barely have the energy to get dressed most days. Plus I am alone here and I don't make a big mess, that only happens when my grandchildren come to visit.

I guess that is enough for today, I'm making myself even more depressed than I was before I started writing this. The gist of it is that I am looking at the rules I live my life by and re-evaluating them.

Perhaps I was a little hasty...

 Last night all I could think about was getting out of this town and going to someplace safe and quiet. 

Funny enough when I went searching for safe and affordable Peterborough was actually on the list and yes the list was new as of June 2022. Kinda surprised to find that we are actually pretty safe here despite all the stuff going on.

I was watching Tik Tok and this guy was jogging down a street in Vancouver, there were literally dozens of tents and homeless all along the street. Made me realize that we do have it pretty good here even with the rents doubling in the last six months.

I would rather not leave Ontario but the cheapest rents are in Quebec and one of the eastern provinces, I can't remember which one off the top of my head.

This is scary

Maybe I'll find a way to curb the urge to run away for awhile.

Present and Future

 If I asked you to run away with me would you?

Before you answer there are conditions:

You would have to leave your job, your home and your family. Before you ask, I would be doing the same.

You would only be able to bring one laptop and enough clothes for a week

There would be no plan other than to hop on a bus to Toronto and then grab the first train leaving the station.

Would you run away with me? I am confident what you would say but I still needed to ask the question. Sometime in the next two years I am going to do just that. I am so done with this town.

I am done living my life the way I "should", I want to live my life the way I want.

I thought maybe some land and a house were all I would need to be happy. I had that with you and look where we are now. Living different lives in different cities and both of us content with that for the most part.

Except that I am no longer content, my feet have been getting itcher and itcher for the past couple of years. I don't think I was ever meant to stay in one place for decades like you. 

I thought I had finally found a place I could stay for the rest of my life but it isn't. I have watched this town become worse and worse. When I first came there were no beggars on the street or dozens of people without homes. The biggest addiction was alcohol, now there is a drug that can give you an excellent ride or bring death and you never know which until it happens.

This run-in with cancer has me reevaluating my life and finding it boring and safe, neither of which I ever wanted. So yeah, its 4 AM and I can't sleep, all I keep thinking is I need to get as far away from this town as I can, maybe even out of Canada entirely, though I am not sure where I would go or how I would survive but at least I wouldn't be bored.

So I will repeat my question, If I ran away would you come with me?

Apathy

 What is this weird feeling

The above page at the New Yorker explores something that post covid is affecting a lot of people myself included. I have suffered with dysthymia since around the age of 13 but this year the apathetic side seems to have taken over. Last time that happened it was summer and I was 8 months pregnant.

I sleep a lot like 18 hours a day something I didn't used to do, except once in awhile when I'd been pushing myself hard.

All the projects I was working on have lost interest and I keep looking for ways to remove them from sight because I don't feel like I'm ever going to be interested enough in them to finish them.

Everything I thought I was is gone and I have no idea how to find myself again, the last time that happened it took me several years to build a life from the ashes of the old one.

I do not know where to begin even. With breast cancer still a question of what comes next I am feeling even more lost.

And tired, and sad and generally in an I don't care about anyone or anything mood.

Here is what I know

 1) This blog was a creative outlet for many years but times change and so have I

2) I would like to continue using it but at this point in time it is hardly being used

3) I can either keep this blog and the others or delete them

4) My creative brain is currently empty and I need to find a way to either refill it or give creativity up at least until I can fill it again.

5) For the moment the jury is out but I will revisit this idea again in a month or two.