No apology, I spent last year dealing with Breast Cancer and the slow progress through the various steps of diagnosis, removal, radiation treatment, and chemotherapy. I was lucky in that the radiation they used was electrical rather than nuclear so only burned my skin instead of losing all my hair and extreme weakness.
Because I caught it so early the only chemo I had to do was a pill. Mind you it is a pill that suppresses estrogen so I am having sweats and hot flashes ie menopausal symptoms. Since I already did that between 50 and 59 I am not keen to re-experience it, still, the alternative is a reoccurrence of cancer so I will accept it as necessary.
My main concern these days is the emptiness I feel inside where my creativity used to reside. You would think such a thing would make me more creative instead of less. In truth I have had little interest in much of anything except for my game "Knights and Brides", watching Netflix in series binges, and reading, though the reading hardly holds my interest much.
I am aware that these are the symptoms of deep depression and that I need to stop avoiding that fact. Thankfully I have not reached the self-loathing level and I hope I don't; the last time I was there I tried to kill myself. Didn't do it right but I did try.
More than that though I have become aware that my body is in nearly constant motion and that concerns me because it is not the good kind of motion. I'm not walking or dancing or anything like that instead my legs bounce whenever I sit down, either one or the other sometimes both. It could just be a habit but the constant shaking of my hands is not a habit, indeed it pisses me off. I used to be able to stop it but it is getting harder and harder to do that.
Add the involuntary movement of my hips and sometimes full body jumps when I am trying to sleep and it is super concerning. The twitches used to be confined to my legs but these days it is my hips and lower back. As I said earlier my legs are never still.
I keep telling myself that I need to go see the doctor about it but I keep putting it off mainly because it may be symptoms of Huntingtons'. I already have dementia in my family medical history, I don't want to add that as well. Depression, anemia, and cancer are bad enough. Yeah all those are part of my medical family history and I have experience with all of them, I don't really want to add any more.
Top that off with the nightmare my GD#3 has become and it is really no wonder I have no interest in much of anything.
I thought I would enjoy this trip even if it is in the winter, that has never mattered before and I did enjoy the first day but I am so out of shape. The boots I brought stress my legs even more cause they have heels and are fairly heavy. I wore them because I wanted to work on my legs, and make them stronger but it didn't work out very well. Instead I am stiff and sore and reluctant to move around much.
That brings me to today and the fact that I stayed behind rather than go with Rob. I was tired and wanted to sleep in but about half an hour after he left my body twitched itself hard and I decided to get up rather than suffer any more of that.
This little blog entry was necessary for me to put things into some kind of order. Even now I am not done thinking but I know I have to make some decisions or if not decisions at least try and figure out how to change the direction I am headed. I am only in my 63rd year I still have another 20-40 years to live and I don't want to spend them as this hollow shell I have become.
