No Idea

 I have mentioned that I have Dysthymia.  What is dysthymia? Dysthymia is  a milder, but long-lasting form of depression . It's also called a persistent depressive disorder. People with this condition may also have bouts of major depression at times. Depression is a mood disorder that involves your body, mood, and thoughts. Body, Mood, Thoughts Body: Hurts, involuntary muscle twitches, hands shake, head aches Mood: None, no fucks given, no joy or anger to be found. Thoughts: Blank unless I am cursing my body. all of this equals Major depression. I started this entry in the hopes that I would be able to create some kind of plan to get myself back to myself but the headache is just getting worse and I feel tiredness pulling at me. I may have to wait it out a little longer. NO that is the depression talking. I know that and still I just want to stop trying. Just stop and hold still for a little while longer. Maybe disappear into a thc haze for a few days. Or go back to slee...

 No apology, I spent last year dealing with Breast Cancer and the slow progress through the various steps of diagnosis, removal, radiation treatment, and chemotherapy. I was lucky in that the radiation they used was electrical rather than nuclear so only burned my skin instead of losing all my hair and extreme weakness. Because I caught it so early the only chemo I had to do was a pill. Mind you it is a pill that suppresses estrogen so I am having sweats and hot flashes ie menopausal symptoms. Since I already did that between 50 and 59 I am not keen to re-experience it, still, the alternative is a reoccurrence of cancer so I will accept it as necessary. My main concern these days is the emptiness I feel inside where my creativity used to reside. You would think such a thing would make me more creative instead of less. In truth I have had little interest in much of anything except for my game "Knights and Brides", watching Netflix in series binges, and reading, though the read...

Hopefully this will help Lady Eliza. This is where I found mine.

 She has been displaying symptoms of mental illness. The adults in our family have been doing the best we can to mitigate the symptoms. The behaviors just kept getting worse. Two days ago she took off from a public building for the third time. Her mother with my full support had her admitted to the mental health centre at the local hospital. Tomorrow she will be released and there is no plan in place. I feel that if she doesn't end up there again tomorrow night it will be in less than a month. That is unless they gave her some medication to calm her down.  As expected she arrived and within 3 days was in my care. For a day and a half I let her scream, at the end of which time she went to her maternal grandparents and then to her mother. I have agreed to take her for a few hours as needed but I will not have her stay here overnight, which I suppose was her reason for screaming all day. My poor neighbours! I have a minor case of PTSD after that, I hear her screaming in my mind a...

 The ongoing trials and tribulations of dealing with two ODD personalities. The oldest refuses to engage in any consequences of the seconds' behavior. He doesn't do consequences or confrontations both of which are required in this situation. Tough love is unacceptable to him. The second one has got it into her head that she can act any way she wants and she will be let go, (no consequences). So you would think a match made in heaven except that they mix like oil and vinegar. I'm the water that keeps them balanced I guess. But I can't do it alone, I won't do it alone. Myles kicked me out for taking action. I did not even plan on them leaving the apartment just bagging them and leaving them as a reminder that there are consequences for her actions. What I should have done is take them out to the garbage. No I couldn't do that, that would be a step too far. I don't know how Donna did it. I can't, Not with Myles going between one extreme and the other. I ref...

 Whitewolf, Alexa. Fated Rogues: A Paranormal Romance Series Starter Collection (Rogues Extended Universe Book 1) (p. 691). Luna Imprints. Kindle Edition.  I am enough? am I I am enough! I AM I am enough. (certainty) But am I really? I am sufficient enough for me but for others I don't know. Not the point I wanted to talk about tonight, it was here from November 26 and figured I'd jump in and type for awhile cause my brain is having all kinds of thoughts and some of them contradict each other. Lets start with the bane of my existence at this time GD#3. I want to think of her as a cute 10-year-old and she can be cute but I wonder how much she says to me is real and how much is made up. For instance she refused to take a bath here but did so at her grandmothers without any fuss. When I asked her why she wouldn't answer me. Is she testing me & Myles to see how far she can get? I know that is highly possible but at the same time neither Myles nor I care for confrontation, t...

 I am so tired of the lies I keep hearing from GD#3, at the same time it is not my place to correct her. She said she was going home tomorrow, I hope so cause I really can't deal with her right now. I wish there was some way for me to disappear for a few weeks. Time to contemplate my life and ... what? I honestly don't know. Robs heart attack made him take better care of himself, me ... nothing seems to have changed for me other than to see how barren my life has become. I honestly don't know the last time I felt I had meaning, that my continued existence had meaning, tonight I am not sure if it does. Oh I am sure my family would disagree but I don't know why I am still alive. I am not sure that I even want to be alive. I feel like my dad did just before mom died, I need a long vacation from my life. I am not even sure I can explain it to you, the emptiness I feel inside me. I am a mirror or a lamp post to the people in my life but there is no real core I can point to a...