Love is!

 I have a very fundamental belief that there is good in everyone from the hardened criminal to the most difficult child. I find it impossible to give up on anyone no matter how they behave or talk. It is a difficult thing trying to embody love in this day and age yet it is exactly what I am driven to do. Yes driven, if I can help anyone even the homeless and the drug addict then that is what I do. My grand-daughter is a difficult child on the cusp of becoming a teenager, her father is also a difficult person and he was a difficult child but I will defend them to my last breathe. If I can direct them down a more loving path or help them curb their tendency to say what is in their head regardless of what it may be then I will.

Some people think that because I am like this I am blind to the person  or people I am talking to. I am not, if anything I am very conscious of them. I read their body language, their tone tells me a lot, how they hold themselves and the things they do. I see it all but I still offer a hand when and where I can. We are all humans, we are all made the same way, we all are born and we will all die eventually. Our upbringing, our life events both happy and sad change us, we can become angry at the hand we have been dealt.

I do not believe in fate, we all choose our own path rather we act, react or do nothing. Some people get a raw deal, someone they love dies or they are being abused by a parent or other adult in their life, they cope. Sometimes they don't choose the "normal" path, the one the world accepts as the only way to be. It is a choice, their choice but they are no less human because of that choice. We put down the homeless, or the mentally ill or the drug addict or the confused child and say they are no good and they never will be. I do not accept this! I will never accept this! They are people not lesser beings, broken sure but most broken things can be fixed if you can find the right tool. People either will choose to do better or not, we can not change them to suit our standards and not expect them to lose their spark.

That needs clarifying I think. People choose their own path, by action and inaction both, it is a choice. We can try to change them to suit ourselves or societal norms. If we succeed we reduce them to pale images of who they could be. They lose their spark. That piece of themselves we take away from them may be the difference between them becoming a star or a stone.

Love is not demanding it simply is. Acceptance of the differences and an offer to help them with no strings attached that is love in its simplest form. No either do it this way or go away. I am guilty of this on occasion myself. Rules must be set and carved in stone but they are your rules and no one will conform exactly. If they break the rules then they are not allowed back for a set amount of time. If they break the rules three times then they are sent away until they can.

At no time will I ever say go away and never come back, I am not made that way.

Have you ever wondered...

 if you are cursed? Yes it is a dumb question in an age where belief in magic is not strong save in the intentions for a better life than the one you are living. Yet... I am tired and listless, my energy is up and down like a light switch. Ditto my viewpoint on life. Sometimes I wonder just what is still keeping me here on earth instead of free in the aether. Not my kids and not my grandchildren not E, they don't need me any more. I do not need to be alive but here I sit anyway.

I know what I should do, I even know the difference between should and must. I am discontent with my own laziness and procrastination and yet... the musts and shoulds are societies rules not mine. I am tired of trying to be what I should be and doing what I should be doing but even the musts have no power to move me. All I want to do is sleep away the days, at least in my dreams I am happy I think. I think because I do not know, I no longer recall my dreams not even the ones you have in the between times just before falling asleep or just waking up.

The words are scrambled in my head and I have trouble tracking even simple phone calls. I feel like I am worn to the bone and all I want to do is rest and have someone else tend my home, make my meals and all the other everyday stuff that needs must be done. if I had sufficient income I would sign myself into one of those retirement homes where they do everything for you and you can just sit and read or play games all day. Oh to be a kid again.

Its stupid, my childhood was not normal by todays standards, I lived in homes without electricity, running water and indoor plumbing, I even lived in a tent for five months. I suppose there are still people who live like that but I am not one of them any more. Do I miss it? Not really I miss the lack of responsibility, that fell to my parents.

The more og this most recent generation I see the less I want to be here. They are spoiled brats most of them. Oh there are paragons and maybe there will be enough of them to save this generation. We baby-boomers started this mess by chasing the almighty dollar instead or caring about the planet we live on.

This ramble makes no sense to me so I figure it won't make any to you either. All I know is I want to go to bed and never get out of it again like the grandparents in "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" or move in with my kids and have them look after me, cept I don't want to live with either of my kids. My daughter has too many animals and my son is a surly SOB. 

Yeah I said it I am a bitch and it has steadily getting worse as the overwhelm I feel gets stronger. It knocks me sideways a lot. When I lost interest in crafting I became concerned, today I sit here and I don't want to read or play my games and I am no longer concerned I am scared. I think that fall that made me aware of the cancer in my breast changed something else. Or knocked some kind of blockage away. 

I am feeling lost and emotional and crazy and sad and angry  and afraid and so many more negative emotions. The self-hatred is getting strong again. A hatred for my inability to do just the simple things like cook a meal every day or doing laundry or even sweep the damn floor. I am getting close to tears and that usually indicates that I have reached my emotional limits yet again.

E understand I will not commit suicide, I am too much of a coward for that. Though as a certain doctor told me there are many ways to kill yourself its just that some of them take a long time. For awhile I thought the obesity would finally take me out, it might yet, though all indications are that despite the way I treat it my heart and lungs I will be around for a long time yet.

I need a catalyst of some kind but if breast cancer and a stroke scare hasn't done it I don't know what will. Oh and forget bribery it doesn't work any more, there is nothing I want except for this life to end or for me to recover some of who I used to be before I became this black hole. I am sure that as soon as I take my medication I will feel better for awhile but it never goes away this longing for light and love and laughter.

I fake laugh a lot I don't even realize I'm doing it, a symptom of what the obesity, the depression, the fibro, cancer, stroke, heart attack, or just plain old fear of the unknown and unknowable. I'm pretty sure you the reader are thourouly confused by the rambling nature of the thoughts here. It is the litany that has been in my brain for awhile. I hope writing it down will help mitigate itself somewhat.

Rest Assured I'm still here

 Albeit tired in a way I can not describe well but I will try.

November was a quiet month with very little going on and was just what I needed after such a busy summer. I am still feeling off but that may have been because I had what I think was a mini-stroke just at the end of November then December brought GD#3 back full-time.

The shakes are steadily getting worse and the headaches are back. It has been awhile since I felt so tense and afraid. It could just be a stress headache but I keep coming back to the massive one I had the night before I got checked out for the stroke. It frightens me but it shouldn't I used to get them a lot last winter, it's because our radiators blow warm, dry air and it dries me out. The thing is even drinking water does not seem to help much. My guess is that I am very dehydrated from the heaters, with the added stress of Christmas and GD#3, all of which add up to "I don't feel so good".

Add the mini-stroke stuff and winter arriving and you have a lot of contributing factors. I need to get an MRI done on Friday Dec 6 at 7:45 pm E if you want to come. Before that I am going to my doctor, maybe he can explain what is going on with my body if it's something besides old age.

Does anyone read Doctor besides E that is? I recognize some of it though the degenerative disc disease was a bit startling, I knew about the shoulder I just didn't know what it was called. Not sure what the third thing is but I think it may be important as I think it has to do with my heart.

Degenerative disc disease is mild at C4-5, moderate at C5-6 and C6-7.

 

Apophyseal joint osteoarthritis is severe and left sided.

The left A1 is hypoplastic but opacified. Otherwise, arteries at the circle-of-Willis and major branches are normal

Day 5 & 6 - Dreamers Writing Farm

 

Located in peaceful Hepworth, Ontario, Dreamers Writing Farm is a tranquil hideaway offering a blend of glamping and classic lodging. Enjoy nature’s beauty with the Bruce Trail nearby and the charm of Sauble Beach just a short drive away. Discover whimsy in Wiarton, home to the famous groundhog, Wiarton Willie. Whether you’re seeking outdoor adventure or creative solitude, Dreamers Writing Farm is the perfect sanctuary for your getaway.

outside the studio

outdoor shower

outdoor sink

We didn't do any exploring except on the grounds because I was still in pain from the fall the day before. It is a beautiful place and given its location I would live there full time except that it isn't long term housing.

living area

full kitchen

murphy bed

I got up early and walked the grounds. I started by going to the dock, the water was very low so that wasn't great but I could feel the relaxation the place would provide in the warmer weather. On the way back to the main path I passed the animal pen, they were just waking up.

path to the pond

brothers grimm

a spice girl

I continued along the path towards the secret garden. I peeped into a couple of the tent cabins they were great for the solo traveler who likes spending time outdoors but I'm glad we went for the studio, I liked having indoor plumbing and a full kitchen.

a yellow brick path

one of the tents

sign post to the garden

I loved the garden wall and I sent a call via the wind phone. I went through the door to Narnia and would have stayed awhile but I wanted to get back before E woke up.

Quotes along path

door to narnia

the garden wall

When E got up we went for a walk together and I showed him the pond and the garden wall. As we explored further we found the summer kitchen and bought some coffee for the Kurig in the studio. We also gathered some windfall apples and took them over to the Goat pen to feed to the animals.

I spent the rest of that day writing and the next as well. During the evening we watched some Halloween movies and just relaxed. The next day we headed to Wasaga Beach and the final few days of the week.

My Birthday Trip- Day 4

Today is Ferry Day! I am not talking a ferry like the one in Toronto, this ship was huge! I guess it would have to be to hold 18 wheeler's plus dozens of other cars.

The Chi-Cheemaun runs between South Baymouth on Manitoulin Island and Tobermory on Bruce Peninsula. It moves passengers and their vehicles between the above two points a few times a day. 

 

E got a business call when we were leaving the Ferry and he got pissy cause he's on vacation and still they called him. Anyway that meant that he left the ferry and the Port too quickly for me to speak about what we were supposed to do next or rather what I wanted to do first. After he calmed down a bit I asked him if we could go back and get tickets to take a ride on a glass bottom boat.

We turned back and found the Blue Heron company that did the tours. We booked a tour instead of the explorer tour but that was because I was in pain after a fall during the morning. While we were waiting for the ferry we went for a walk to see a lighthouse and I decided to be a bit of a smart ass. While E was looking for a proper path I cut across the stone beach. I lifted my head for a second to see how far the light house was and got tripped by a rock.

Look at this beach

on the Ferry

The rock that tripped me

Then when I headed back to the boardwalk, I figured I would climb up to it using a pile of rock beside it. It worked ok but I wasn't balanced properly so I went of the other side of the boardwalk and landed on my back. Two falls in two minutes, least that's what it felt like, caused me a bit of pain the rest of the day.

 When we turned around and got the tickets, then headed back to the Harbour. We had to wait a bit for the boat to arrive so we explored the harbour and explored a couple of the shops attached. I found a lovely little bag set that reminded me of the maiden, mother, crone and it was purple so perfect for me. Once we were underway, there was a lot to see thus the gallery below.

check it out one last thing here before we move onto the Dreamers Writing Farm where we spent the next couple of days.

 

The Dreamers Writing Farm turned out to be the perfect place for me to feel like I could write though for the most part I stuck with the Travel book. The Studio was worth the extra money since it included Wifi and a full kitchen.

If it wasn't so far from home I would love to go every year.

My Birthday Trip- Day 3

 We started early because we needed to get to the Preserve before dark as absolutely no white light is allowed and that includes car lights.

We stopped at the Anishnabe Trading Store, where I met this fellow. From the outside it didn't look that big but inside it was huge.  As you can see behind him there is a lot of stuff.

We also stopped at the Iroquois Cultural Centre. Being in there was deeply moving like being in a holy place. I didn't get any pictures because it felt wrong to do so.

We stopped at Bridal Veil Falls. The climb down wasn't too bad but the walk back up was murder on my lungs. This was taken about half-way down I think.

I had planned to sleep in one of these but I'm glad we changed our mind, the teepee doesn't have a floor. Instead we stayed in a bunkie. 

Two rooms and no heat, also no running water or indoor toilet so we had to use a outhouse. That wouldn't have been so bad but the outhouses were set 25 yards or so from the bunkie. Not fun when you know you are gonna need to go out in the middle of the night.

What follows is a small Gallery of what we saw that night. I understand the lights were so bright they could be seen in Peterborough but to be so close... nothing compares.

I hope you can see these images it was beautiful because we were in a slight bowl and it surrounded us and arched over us so beautifully.

I went out to use the outhouse around 2 am and I wish I had brought my phone with me because the sky was breathe taking. The clouds had moved on and the northern lights had gone back to sleep, the sky was like blue-black velvet set with millions of tiny lights. 

Like this but because of where the Bunkie was the stars made a bowl overhead. I really wish I had gotten a photo.

I am glad we brought extra blankets there was frost in the morning and the night was cold even though we were fully dressed under the blankets.

The next day we swore to each other that we would travel earlier in the year, the night was cold and there was nobody else near us. While I'm usually a fan of that but I wished I had someone besides E to share the wonders of the night with it was that wondrous.