No Idea

 I am so tired of the lies I keep hearing from GD#3, at the same time it is not my place to correct her. She said she was going home tomorrow, I hope so cause I really can't deal with her right now. I wish there was some way for me to disappear for a few weeks. Time to contemplate my life and ... what? I honestly don't know. Robs heart attack made him take better care of himself, me ... nothing seems to have changed for me other than to see how barren my life has become. I honestly don't know the last time I felt I had meaning, that my continued existence had meaning, tonight I am not sure if it does. Oh I am sure my family would disagree but I don't know why I am still alive. I am not sure that I even want to be alive. I feel like my dad did just before mom died, I need a long vacation from my life. I am not even sure I can explain it to you, the emptiness I feel inside me. I am a mirror or a lamp post to the people in my life but there is no real core I can point to a

"Part of the problem, time to set boundaries"- Everlovin Yeah I've been realizing that. A long time ago a counsellor told me that as well but I don't know if I have ever had any boundries in my life other than the usual if you hurt me or my kids you are gone. Back then it was physical stuff, emotional and mental pain were not part of my knowledge. I am more aware of it now but I don't have protect myself that way. "Start, if nothing else they will never learn to stand on their own 2 feet if you are constantly saving them from themselves"- Everlovin  Me and my partner discussing Personal Space. Not from him he is pretty good at giving me the space I need my children and grandchildren not so much     He says this song should be my theme song but it really isn't even close to the way I feel about my life these days. Once maybe but it has been a long time. I've read a lot of books in my life about self awareness in its many forms (self-care, self-est

 As you are aware I claim Paganism as my Spiritual practice, Nov 1st is our New Years day and with the completion of the radiation treatments I am finally able to look at things more clearly than I have in the last couple of years.  Yeah, first Covid then Breast Cancer been a real interesting few years. Not happy but interesting. Yesterday I started the Estrogen blockers and today I am having my first hot flash since I turned 60, while I am not happy about that the alternative as my everlovin would say is worse. Quite frankly less than one year for the process from diagnosis to treatment isn't bad but is not something I want to repeat any time soon so menopause a second time. Though at least this is only 5 years unlike the ten of the first time. Once I brought it to my doctor's attention things moved quickly but taking it to the doctor was something I delayed for a couple of months because at first, I thought it was from a fall I took in the winter. Note to self the next time I

 I realized last night that I have a lot of rules for myself and some of them may have medical evidence to back them up but a lot of them are just arbitrary rules I learned along the way. I should be in bed by 10 pm and asleep by midnight. Why? I'm not tired then I get tired later like 2 am I should be up and out of bed by 7 am. (my parents) I don't go to school anymore and have nothing to do all day why do I should I be up by then? I should eat a big breakfast, a medium size lunch and a small dinner. Granted it makes sense but what if you can't afford it or are unable to prepare anything due to a lack of energy? My illness almost guarantees that I run out of energy quickly and when I push myself I need to take 4-7 days to get enough energy to do anything again. These are just a few of my should's. I've decided that every time I think "I should" I will stop and look at what that should is and rather it fits me and my life. Things like I should brush my tee

 Last night all I could think about was getting out of this town and going to someplace safe and quiet.  Funny enough when I went searching for safe and affordable Peterborough was actually on the list and yes the list was new as of June 2022. Kinda surprised to find that we are actually pretty safe here despite all the stuff going on. I was watching Tik Tok and this guy was jogging down a street in Vancouver, there were literally dozens of tents and homeless all along the street. Made me realize that we do have it pretty good here even with the rents doubling in the last six months. I would rather not leave Ontario but the cheapest rents are in Quebec and one of the eastern provinces, I can't remember which one off the top of my head. This is scary Maybe I'll find a way to curb the urge to run away for awhile.

 If I asked you to run away with me would you? Before you answer there are conditions: You would have to leave your job, your home and your family. Before you ask, I would be doing the same. You would only be able to bring one laptop and enough clothes for a week There would be no plan other than to hop on a bus to Toronto and then grab the first train leaving the station. Would you run away with me? I am confident what you would say but I still needed to ask the question. Sometime in the next two years I am going to do just that. I am so done with this town. I am done living my life the way I "should", I want to live my life the way I want. I thought maybe some land and a house were all I would need to be happy. I had that with you and look where we are now. Living different lives in different cities and both of us content with that for the most part. Except that I am no longer content, my feet have been getting itcher and itcher for the past couple of years. I don't thi

  What is this weird feeling The above page at the New Yorker explores something that post covid is affecting a lot of people myself included. I have suffered with dysthymia since around the age of 13 but this year the apathetic side seems to have taken over. Last time that happened it was summer and I was 8 months pregnant. I sleep a lot like 18 hours a day something I didn't used to do, except once in awhile when I'd been pushing myself hard. All the projects I was working on have lost interest and I keep looking for ways to remove them from sight because I don't feel like I'm ever going to be interested enough in them to finish them. Everything I thought I was is gone and I have no idea how to find myself again, the last time that happened it took me several years to build a life from the ashes of the old one. I do not know where to begin even. With breast cancer still a question of what comes next I am feeling even more lost. And tired, and sad and generally in an I