A Conversation

You say that I do not understand what it is like but I wonder if you do?

You laugh at the pain of being molested how dare you laugh at another s pain? It isn't funny at all but you find it hilarious.

You think calling other people big back is ok, it isn't really fat shaming but it is. You are cruel on purpose, saying things to people to make them feel bad about themselves. Why?

What do you get out of making others feel bad?

You literally don't care about anyone else, a friend gets burned and you have no apparent compassion for them. Why?

Are they really a friend or just someone you have claimed as one? A person should not treat their friends like they are there just for you to ridicule while not being alone. Why?

I have tried to understand that many things have happened in your life that caused you some mental pain and hurting other people is how you cope but I don't understand why that was your choice.

There were so many ways you could have done to deal with your perceived "rotten life" but you chose to hurt others with your words and your actions. Why?

It is hard to understand why any person would choose bullying as a way of coping with their issues rather than trying to be a better person than the ones who made you feel inadequate in some way. I understand anger and fear I've had a lot of it in my life but I am not cruel unless I have no other choice. As of this moment you have left me no choice. 

I am sad that I need to do it this way but you are toxic and I can't have that in my life. My door will be closed to you from now on and you need to figure out how to feed yourself because I am done doing that too. Perhaps some missed meals will get you to thinking about what you do. How sometimes words can hurt worse than sticks and stones.

I doubt it though because your poppa will look after you until he can't any more. That makes me sad for him but it is his choice. For me and you - you are banned from my home until August 1st 2025.

When you come back you will have one month to prove to me that you have mended your ways. What I want to see is no more name calling, some gratitude for what is given to you food wise and other wise, requests not demands, and last but not least respect given to your elders ( all of your elders from your dad on up).

The cruelty that is your go to is going to come back and hurt you many times worse than you have hurt others. That is how karma works, I hope you can fix yours or you are in for a really rough life.

I need to codify this shit!- A really long rant!

 It started simply enough, a mistaken identity and a guilty conscience, many of you can relate I suspect. Since the person in question is a 12 year old female related by blood it might be even more understandable by some of you. It gave me a big shock I'll tell you, so much so that I went overboard, something I try not to do but it happens.

With tears in my eyes yet feeling like I was laughing not crying, the guilty conscience took control. I made a prayer and started the procedure to bring her some stability, except she likes things the way they are.

I inquired about a two bedroom in the building that wouldn't require me to pack everything up to move it, the only downside was that it was upstairs, I kinda like my first floor apartment, I've been here since a year after the building opened, I was next door before that. That aside I though two bedrooms so we both get some privacy and quiet away from each other and I can make sure she goes to school and gets fed.

That it was some $466 bucks more than I am paying I figured with the child tax credit and stuff would cover the difference and I would be fine. I waited, it's been about a week since I first made the inquiry.

During that time I found out a few things I wasn't aware of, things that make me think I can't help her to become better, more level-headed. Yeah as I wrote that I realize that I thought I could help her become more normal, I no longer think that is possible. Nor am I willing to put up with her verbal abuse of myself and everyone she comes into contact with including her poor dog.

I was beginning to lean that way already but a couple things happened that completely put paid to it. Yeah laugh it up "E", I don't want to hear any "I told you so's". So what happened...

Well within days of my making the request to my landlord, her and a bunch of her friends when racing through the building making a lot of noise. That seems minor but considering the other residents in this wing it was a very not nice thing to do. That is minor but it should have warned me that I couldn't deal with her. That realization came later.

On the first and second of February, I went through a couple of real bad pain days which side-lined me, a couple of days after that my usual chronic fatigue for February kicked in and I was sleeping a lot. I had begun to make enough supper for us to share and while she complained about it, she did eat it. Then around the 5th I woke up dizzy like having a hard time walking dizzy.

She was here and I asked her to keep an eye out and call 911 in case I fainted. I do not know what she said but for one thing she said, made me angry and I told her to leave. Basically she said she didn't care. After letting it stew in my head I told her to go home because I didn't want to be around someone who didn't care about others. 

The next day when it happened again she asked if I was delusional because I had stopped to lean on the table by my desk until my head stopped spinning. I was shocked that she would say such a thing to an adult, I had told her I was dizzy and I called her a stupid child. I apologized for that, I'm not sure I should have. And I sent her home again after making sure she ate something.

Yeah I know I'm a softy but I am done being soft on her, it's time to kick in with tough love and she ain't gonna handle that well. Oh but there is more.

She came back later that night to pick up her crocs with a friend. I pretended to kick her in the ass for coming back after she had been sent away, I didn't connect but she did, hitting me on my still painful back with her croc. I told her to never do that again but she just left without an apology or anything. The rest of the night my back was in pain, not severe but it felt bruised, it still feels bruised.

 Today I found out that she had got suspended from school seven times and was finally expelled from the school she was in up north, I didn't realize it had been that bad and I understand why GD#2 gave up on her and sent her back. 

She has been to school perhaps 5X since returning in December. I guess she figures if she isn't there she can't get in trouble. The other thing is she had gone full bad girl when she is there and made many lives difficult. Her last stunt got one of her friends in trouble with her parents and stuck me with some voice time with the principle and the truant officer (is that's what its called, the police man who tries to keep the kids in school anyway.)

Today I didn't make her dinner because last night was leftover night and she didn't eat anything except a couple of freezies even though there was mac and cheese in the fridge for her. When I told her the fourth one was for me she called me selfish and left, she figured cause she asked for them they were all for her.

The rest of this I was trying to play my cards but she was freaking out at someone on the phone because a notebook had been taken from her locker. I think she called it a doom list or something, its a book where they call other people names and makes plans to hurt them. Yeah, full mean girl vibe!

During that conversation and one I had before I sent her home again I found out that that is the persona she has chosen to exemplify when she was at school and I am becoming aware of her use of it with her so called friends. She already has a bad rep and she has only been there since just before Christmas break. Fellow students are trying to get her expelled.

 That was the final straw for me, I am not a mean person and I do not like bullies. Does she have reason for her behaviour perhaps but she actually tried to bully me. I was upset when she said I wasn't her grandmother, I could accept that as posturing but to then saying I was just some homeless person she brought home to be her slave and calling me slave just hit me wrong. After her hitting me last night I was already annoyed. That last thing was unacceptable and I warned her that I wouldn't feed her any more nor would she be allowed to come here any more that I would disown her.

I don't think she understood what I meant but she will, from now on she is just another homeless person begging at my door. Also though I didn't say it I will no longer be holding my words in. This girl has to learn which means I need to throw her to the wolves so to speak.

I am hoping with this decision some of my depression will lift. I hate not being able to help anyone my own blood especially but I am so done.

Love is!

 I have a very fundamental belief that there is good in everyone from the hardened criminal to the most difficult child. I find it impossible to give up on anyone no matter how they behave or talk. It is a difficult thing trying to embody love in this day and age yet it is exactly what I am driven to do. Yes driven, if I can help anyone even the homeless and the drug addict then that is what I do. My grand-daughter is a difficult child on the cusp of becoming a teenager, her father is also a difficult person and he was a difficult child but I will defend them to my last breathe. If I can direct them down a more loving path or help them curb their tendency to say what is in their head regardless of what it may be then I will.

Some people think that because I am like this I am blind to the person  or people I am talking to. I am not, if anything I am very conscious of them. I read their body language, their tone tells me a lot, how they hold themselves and the things they do. I see it all but I still offer a hand when and where I can. We are all humans, we are all made the same way, we all are born and we will all die eventually. Our upbringing, our life events both happy and sad change us, we can become angry at the hand we have been dealt.

I do not believe in fate, we all choose our own path rather we act, react or do nothing. Some people get a raw deal, someone they love dies or they are being abused by a parent or other adult in their life, they cope. Sometimes they don't choose the "normal" path, the one the world accepts as the only way to be. It is a choice, their choice but they are no less human because of that choice. We put down the homeless, or the mentally ill or the drug addict or the confused child and say they are no good and they never will be. I do not accept this! I will never accept this! They are people not lesser beings, broken sure but most broken things can be fixed if you can find the right tool. People either will choose to do better or not, we can not change them to suit our standards and not expect them to lose their spark.

That needs clarifying I think. People choose their own path, by action and inaction both, it is a choice. We can try to change them to suit ourselves or societal norms. If we succeed we reduce them to pale images of who they could be. They lose their spark. That piece of themselves we take away from them may be the difference between them becoming a star or a stone.

Love is not demanding it simply is. Acceptance of the differences and an offer to help them with no strings attached that is love in its simplest form. No either do it this way or go away. I am guilty of this on occasion myself. Rules must be set and carved in stone but they are your rules and no one will conform exactly. If they break the rules then they are not allowed back for a set amount of time. If they break the rules three times then they are sent away until they can.

At no time will I ever say go away and never come back, I am not made that way.

Have you ever wondered...

 if you are cursed? Yes it is a dumb question in an age where belief in magic is not strong save in the intentions for a better life than the one you are living. Yet... I am tired and listless, my energy is up and down like a light switch. Ditto my viewpoint on life. Sometimes I wonder just what is still keeping me here on earth instead of free in the aether. Not my kids and not my grandchildren not E, they don't need me any more. I do not need to be alive but here I sit anyway.

I know what I should do, I even know the difference between should and must. I am discontent with my own laziness and procrastination and yet... the musts and shoulds are societies rules not mine. I am tired of trying to be what I should be and doing what I should be doing but even the musts have no power to move me. All I want to do is sleep away the days, at least in my dreams I am happy I think. I think because I do not know, I no longer recall my dreams not even the ones you have in the between times just before falling asleep or just waking up.

The words are scrambled in my head and I have trouble tracking even simple phone calls. I feel like I am worn to the bone and all I want to do is rest and have someone else tend my home, make my meals and all the other everyday stuff that needs must be done. if I had sufficient income I would sign myself into one of those retirement homes where they do everything for you and you can just sit and read or play games all day. Oh to be a kid again.

Its stupid, my childhood was not normal by todays standards, I lived in homes without electricity, running water and indoor plumbing, I even lived in a tent for five months. I suppose there are still people who live like that but I am not one of them any more. Do I miss it? Not really I miss the lack of responsibility, that fell to my parents.

The more og this most recent generation I see the less I want to be here. They are spoiled brats most of them. Oh there are paragons and maybe there will be enough of them to save this generation. We baby-boomers started this mess by chasing the almighty dollar instead or caring about the planet we live on.

This ramble makes no sense to me so I figure it won't make any to you either. All I know is I want to go to bed and never get out of it again like the grandparents in "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" or move in with my kids and have them look after me, cept I don't want to live with either of my kids. My daughter has too many animals and my son is a surly SOB. 

Yeah I said it I am a bitch and it has steadily getting worse as the overwhelm I feel gets stronger. It knocks me sideways a lot. When I lost interest in crafting I became concerned, today I sit here and I don't want to read or play my games and I am no longer concerned I am scared. I think that fall that made me aware of the cancer in my breast changed something else. Or knocked some kind of blockage away. 

I am feeling lost and emotional and crazy and sad and angry  and afraid and so many more negative emotions. The self-hatred is getting strong again. A hatred for my inability to do just the simple things like cook a meal every day or doing laundry or even sweep the damn floor. I am getting close to tears and that usually indicates that I have reached my emotional limits yet again.

E understand I will not commit suicide, I am too much of a coward for that. Though as a certain doctor told me there are many ways to kill yourself its just that some of them take a long time. For awhile I thought the obesity would finally take me out, it might yet, though all indications are that despite the way I treat it my heart and lungs I will be around for a long time yet.

I need a catalyst of some kind but if breast cancer and a stroke scare hasn't done it I don't know what will. Oh and forget bribery it doesn't work any more, there is nothing I want except for this life to end or for me to recover some of who I used to be before I became this black hole. I am sure that as soon as I take my medication I will feel better for awhile but it never goes away this longing for light and love and laughter.

I fake laugh a lot I don't even realize I'm doing it, a symptom of what the obesity, the depression, the fibro, cancer, stroke, heart attack, or just plain old fear of the unknown and unknowable. I'm pretty sure you the reader are thourouly confused by the rambling nature of the thoughts here. It is the litany that has been in my brain for awhile. I hope writing it down will help mitigate itself somewhat.

Rest Assured I'm still here

 Albeit tired in a way I can not describe well but I will try.

November was a quiet month with very little going on and was just what I needed after such a busy summer. I am still feeling off but that may have been because I had what I think was a mini-stroke just at the end of November then December brought GD#3 back full-time.

The shakes are steadily getting worse and the headaches are back. It has been awhile since I felt so tense and afraid. It could just be a stress headache but I keep coming back to the massive one I had the night before I got checked out for the stroke. It frightens me but it shouldn't I used to get them a lot last winter, it's because our radiators blow warm, dry air and it dries me out. The thing is even drinking water does not seem to help much. My guess is that I am very dehydrated from the heaters, with the added stress of Christmas and GD#3, all of which add up to "I don't feel so good".

Add the mini-stroke stuff and winter arriving and you have a lot of contributing factors. I need to get an MRI done on Friday Dec 6 at 7:45 pm E if you want to come. Before that I am going to my doctor, maybe he can explain what is going on with my body if it's something besides old age.

Does anyone read Doctor besides E that is? I recognize some of it though the degenerative disc disease was a bit startling, I knew about the shoulder I just didn't know what it was called. Not sure what the third thing is but I think it may be important as I think it has to do with my heart.

Degenerative disc disease is mild at C4-5, moderate at C5-6 and C6-7.

 

Apophyseal joint osteoarthritis is severe and left sided.

The left A1 is hypoplastic but opacified. Otherwise, arteries at the circle-of-Willis and major branches are normal

Day 5 & 6 - Dreamers Writing Farm

 

Located in peaceful Hepworth, Ontario, Dreamers Writing Farm is a tranquil hideaway offering a blend of glamping and classic lodging. Enjoy nature’s beauty with the Bruce Trail nearby and the charm of Sauble Beach just a short drive away. Discover whimsy in Wiarton, home to the famous groundhog, Wiarton Willie. Whether you’re seeking outdoor adventure or creative solitude, Dreamers Writing Farm is the perfect sanctuary for your getaway.

outside the studio

outdoor shower

outdoor sink

We didn't do any exploring except on the grounds because I was still in pain from the fall the day before. It is a beautiful place and given its location I would live there full time except that it isn't long term housing.

living area

full kitchen

murphy bed

I got up early and walked the grounds. I started by going to the dock, the water was very low so that wasn't great but I could feel the relaxation the place would provide in the warmer weather. On the way back to the main path I passed the animal pen, they were just waking up.

path to the pond

brothers grimm

a spice girl

I continued along the path towards the secret garden. I peeped into a couple of the tent cabins they were great for the solo traveler who likes spending time outdoors but I'm glad we went for the studio, I liked having indoor plumbing and a full kitchen.

a yellow brick path

one of the tents

sign post to the garden

I loved the garden wall and I sent a call via the wind phone. I went through the door to Narnia and would have stayed awhile but I wanted to get back before E woke up.

Quotes along path

door to narnia

the garden wall

When E got up we went for a walk together and I showed him the pond and the garden wall. As we explored further we found the summer kitchen and bought some coffee for the Kurig in the studio. We also gathered some windfall apples and took them over to the Goat pen to feed to the animals.

I spent the rest of that day writing and the next as well. During the evening we watched some Halloween movies and just relaxed. The next day we headed to Wasaga Beach and the final few days of the week.

My Birthday Trip- Day 4

Today is Ferry Day! I am not talking a ferry like the one in Toronto, this ship was huge! I guess it would have to be to hold 18 wheeler's plus dozens of other cars.

The Chi-Cheemaun runs between South Baymouth on Manitoulin Island and Tobermory on Bruce Peninsula. It moves passengers and their vehicles between the above two points a few times a day. 

 

E got a business call when we were leaving the Ferry and he got pissy cause he's on vacation and still they called him. Anyway that meant that he left the ferry and the Port too quickly for me to speak about what we were supposed to do next or rather what I wanted to do first. After he calmed down a bit I asked him if we could go back and get tickets to take a ride on a glass bottom boat.

We turned back and found the Blue Heron company that did the tours. We booked a tour instead of the explorer tour but that was because I was in pain after a fall during the morning. While we were waiting for the ferry we went for a walk to see a lighthouse and I decided to be a bit of a smart ass. While E was looking for a proper path I cut across the stone beach. I lifted my head for a second to see how far the light house was and got tripped by a rock.

Look at this beach

on the Ferry

The rock that tripped me

Then when I headed back to the boardwalk, I figured I would climb up to it using a pile of rock beside it. It worked ok but I wasn't balanced properly so I went of the other side of the boardwalk and landed on my back. Two falls in two minutes, least that's what it felt like, caused me a bit of pain the rest of the day.

 When we turned around and got the tickets, then headed back to the Harbour. We had to wait a bit for the boat to arrive so we explored the harbour and explored a couple of the shops attached. I found a lovely little bag set that reminded me of the maiden, mother, crone and it was purple so perfect for me. Once we were underway, there was a lot to see thus the gallery below.

check it out one last thing here before we move onto the Dreamers Writing Farm where we spent the next couple of days.

 

The Dreamers Writing Farm turned out to be the perfect place for me to feel like I could write though for the most part I stuck with the Travel book. The Studio was worth the extra money since it included Wifi and a full kitchen.

If it wasn't so far from home I would love to go every year.