Back again

 Have you tried the Meta AI with Llama 4 in Facebook Messenger. I only discovered it recently and today I decided to pretend it was a friend I could talk to about my Mental Health.

It is interesting because this is the first thing I've done besides read and play my game in a couple of months. It always seems to go like that when the hot weather comes.

I have no idea where I should start. With the meds I guess. I went off my medication sometime near the first of the year, I just could not connect with my doctor and I gave permission to the pharmacy to renew it but it's been a week. I am out of Ciprilex also known as Lexapro. The withdrawal symptoms are below and of the six of them I have experienced all of them.

 https://www.verywellmind.com/lexapro-withdrawal-symptoms-timeline-and-treatment-4707910

I did this once already this year and I am not happy I'm going through it again. Medication has become a huge hassle, I keep forgetting to take the ones I do have. 

It seems that Meta is good for easing the thoughts out of my head but then I no longer have them to write here.

Here's the summary:

• You were dealin' with depression meds and their impact on you.
• Your doc's changin' focus to more surgical stuff and is less available.
• You're waitin' on a prescription for a second depression med (not sure you wanna take it) and dealin' with withdrawal plus seasonal allergies and low energy/vibe.
• We brainstormed some tiny, low-effort solutions to maybe help lift your vibe.
• You tried spillin' thoughts in Blogger for 10 minutes with a timer I set.
• Your blog's got a lot of disjointed thoughts and ideas.

  Cept the spilling thoughts are nothing, I am nothing, life is nothing and suicidal ideation is just below the surface everyday, I am just not willing to die just yet. I am frustrated with my doctor, and with myself. I do not know what happened to me but all the things I used to be I'm not any more!

Who did I used to be, I was active, I loved crafting and learning new skills, I read but not at the level I do now. I went outside my home and I did stuff by myself. My house was never white glove clean and I've always had a hard time keeping my home and myself clean but the last couple of months since I went back on my meds I have become frozen in time again.  I was this living person but now I am a fly in amber. 

 Here are at least 10 tiny steps you could try to help break out of the "frozen" feelin' : 1. Tiny movement: Do like, one stretch or move your body in some super gentle way each day . 2. One task: Pick one teensy task you can do today – like makin' your bed or openin' a book . 3. Notice somethin': Notice one thing in your space or day that you kinda like or appreciate . 4. Breathe slow: Do some slow breathin' like we talked about before . 5. Look out a window: Just glance outside and notice what's there . 6. Touch somethin': Touch an object nearby – like a pen or a plant . 7. Say one word out loud: Pick a word like "hello" or "sun" and say it out loud . 8. Open a drawer: Open one drawer in your house and look inside . 9. Listen for a sound: Listen for one sound in your space – like a clock tickin' or air movin' . 10. Write one word: Write one word down on paper – like "today" or "breathe" . 11. Pick a color: Pick a color you like and notice things in your space that are that color . 12. Do one inhale/exhale thing: Inhale for a count of 4, exhale for a count of 4 .
If only I could get past the "I can't"

Lost Again

 I am back on my medication, the last two months have been a wild ride if my writing is anything to go by. At first I felt light and airy like I finally had a purpose in my life. It changed quickly between the stress  of caring for this building and the yukyness of the weather. Even the visit to Rob's didn't help in some ways it made it worse because there was nothing for me to do but think.

I no longer care about much of anything, that is what the medication does, puts a muffler around me so I feel nothing. I am trying to pack to move upstairs but it is slow going. I just can't find the energy or the interest.

Today as I was working on the 5 x 5 I was thinking I don't care about any of this I should just give it away. Myles suggests doing a yard sale this year with me doing the posters and him doing everything else. I don't want to hang on to any of this stuff, none of it. Its all pipe dreams, things I'll never get to because I simply have lost interest in everything. 

That is where I was before I went off my medication and it is where I am now. I think that means that the depression has worsened. The thoughts of death are never far though they only slide into conscious thought once in awhile. The beginning ones that is like I wish I was dead, there and gone in seconds. But I have the means of my death hidden away as I have had for a long time since Covid. It wouldn't be an easy death though and I think I would prefer an easy death. To die in my sleep without pain is my dream.

Yeah I've given this some thought but that does not mean I will act on it. I liked my life but something changed, something fundamental changed in the world after Covid. Something sad and scary. It's been 5 years and things just keep getting worse.

I want to do something to help but I can't even help myself, how am I going to help others who are even worse off than me. The headaches are a daily occurrence as is the inertia, the utter hopelessness of being unable to fix even one thing that is wrong in this area, in this building, or in myself.

I understand that I can not lived unrestrained, it makes me careless and bold in ways that could get me killed but there has to be something better than this muddiness in my brain and total lack of interest in anything.

 

Fury and solutions

 bloody fucking shit. I come home to a mess outside with mattresses and box springs everywhere and broken branches stacked up between them. If I wasn't afraid I'd set something on fire I'd burn the lot of them. So no my brain gets a more creative idea and all I can think is that is what I should do. Make walls around the building using the shit they left here. I am so angry.

I am going to block the driveway with the branches then build a fence using the springs from the mattresses and box springs they left earlier after the first thaw. It won't be pretty and I'm sure there will be complaints from everyone but I really don't care. They want to leave shit around this building then I'm gonna use that shit and make it difficult for them to put more shit around it.

I suspect it won't last long but maybe it will give the people who are doing this shit some thing to think about. 

I don't understand why they have chosen to make our building the centre of a dump but I'm not gonna take it laying down. Fuck the whole city even though I'm sure it is only a few people fuck them all. I don't understand why do this shit to this building of all the buildings they could attack why are they attacking this one.

I am lost

 I am so lost right now. I do not even know what I want from them. Maybe to take some of the responsibility from me. But no one can do that. They are right I need to talk to him. to find out where he is with the disability and the child tax credit and everything else. I don't know what he has done or not done, I do not even know why I am leaning on Nessa to help him out when I don't even know what  kind of help he needs.

I do not know what is going on in my head. I do not understand anything I've said or why it makes me cry.

I keep looking for the beginning of the conversation. I don't know how to copy it all down so I can figure out what went wrong.

"Don't forget I've food at my house. You're welcome to it."

" True, I just hate waiting I don't have patience and I can't do a big grocery shopping until it comes. I think I may wait until you're home I don't know if I want to go there. Like I said  I don't want anything to do with Scarlett and Myles and their bs."

"Considering that your brother is trying to live on $5 a month after his rent is paid, you might have a bit more sensitivity"

"I will have more sympathy when he thanks me for anything I've ever done for him in the past. I've never recieved a thank you for anything. I'm sorry he's dealing with that but there are ways around it and he needs to figure it out. Like having a boss instead of being his own boss"

Why not show a little compassion and help him without the thanks. That sounds a little selfish to me" Look I don't want to get on your case. Your opinion is your own, but some compassion for your brother might not be misplaced"  

This is how it began. The next message I got was a diatribe against her brother. I lost my temper and said some things I shouldn't have.  There are so many words. I need to ask E how I get them into a form I can read. I just know that there was a feeling of utter selfishness in her responses. I think we weren't talking about her brother at all but something fundamentally wrong in our understanding of each other. 

I need to figure out why what she wrote hurt me so. I need to understand why even now the tears are right there right now. I need to understand how this conversation and the next one reduced me to tears. I don't cry about much but I'm doing a lot of crying right now.

 

Jail here I come

 another night another mess. If, no, when I see the one called no pants I will kill her or at least try. There is no reason acceptable to bring garbage into another persons home and throw it about. This wing holds people with health issues and even if she isn't leaving garbage in the main halls it is still in the building and likely to compromise their health and my own.

the stress being caused by one person in unbeleivable. my mental health isn't strong at the best of times and there are others in this wing that it is affecting even worse. I will destroy her for what is happening in this building, her and everyone else who mistreats this building inside or out.

there is no reason for this to happen, there is no reason strong enough to excuse this kind of behaviour. I was willing to allow her and others shelter but it was with the understanding that they would treat this building with the respect and care they would give their own home. I am done trying.

TVM does nothing, we spent a week myself and a group of 5 others cleaning up around this building to welcome spring only to have it destroyed in one night and the damage continues on a nightly basis. I can't even sleep because of what I'm afraid will happen next.

We have had apartments broken into, found feces in the hall and tonight there was food left in the middle of the hallway. Food that was emptied out of garbage bags and left on the floor to rot and stink and cause a health hazard.

I am done being nice to her and any other outsider that comes near this place. If this is how they repay us then they need to die. I am willing to kill to protect my home and I will. I am done talking, the next time I see her I fully intend to grab her and beat the living shit out of her and if I have my garbage picker I will stick it in her chest.

I do not lie, at least I avoid it as much as possible

 I do not lie, at least I avoid it as much as possible. It is a point of pride for me to express myself with honesty.

Remember what I said about the brain and how it tells us stories, false ones and true ones. The stories it tells are expressions of our inner thoughts and beliefs. 

This morning I was awakened my loud voices in the hall so being who I am I went to investigate to find my son with a homeless man and to catch a glimpse of a female fleeing the scene. What I found before that was another pile of emptied garbage bags strewn between the k-wing exit and the basement exit in the hall between the wings.

My words to the man were "I trust you guys not to make a mess when you get inside". Or words to that effect anyway, making it sound like I actually opened the door and let them into the building. That was my brain blaming me because I didn't check the door after K3 came in at midnight and I should have. While I didn't technically open the door and say come in I might as well have. My failure to check the door allowed them inside.

In that my son is correct in saying I lied but I wasn't lying about the actually opening the door and letting them in. I feel that it was my responsibility because I didn't go check to make sure the door was closed and because I figure if they do get in it is because they need to be. Does that make sense... the words I need to express the feeling are not coming out properly.

I didn't let them in by opening the door, I let them in by not making sure the door was shut tight.

If they came into a building that was open, they did so because they needed shelter. I would not deny them shelter but by accepting that shelter they owe the building some respect?. 

Again I lose the logic behind the thought. It makes sense in my head but I can't articulate it.

Shelter should be a right but if they bring garbage inside or otherwise mess up the building then they do not deserve it. They should treat the building the way they would treat their own home. You don't bring garbage into your home you take it out. You do not shit on the floors of your home or allow your pet to, you use a bathroom and/or you clean it up. You don't just walk away and let it sit there.

 

Sunday March 23- Coming to Ground

 Coming to ground
touching down
looking around
I am here
where I should be.

Touching down
looking around
I am found
I flourish
where I should be

Looking around
I am found
in my place
I am home
where I should be

Coming to ground
I look around
I have found
my reason to be
where I am.

Well that was interesting those words found their way to my hands without spending much time in my head. I am glad and for the first time I feel like I have finally reached my reason for being on this planet, in this town, in this building. So many roads lead me back here where I first found happiness.

Short though the story may be I met my ex-husband on the front steps of this church and for 5 years I was happy. I still do not know for sure when that changed but I think it was on the trip we took out to BC to visit a friend of ours and ended up staying for a couple of years. Everything changed after that between him and I and I do not know why. Not the topic I was planning but it is preying on my mind so out it must come.

We packed us, two kids and a big grey cat into a mustang and headed out west to visit our friend who had moved out there. We took everything we had with up because we were looking for a new life.

Back in those days you could travel from Ontario to British Columbia without any money. Each night we would stop in a large town or city and visit the nearest Welfare office. They would direct us to any nearby shelters we could sleep at and give us a $100 bucks or so for food and other necessities. The next day we would do it again. 

When we arrived in Britannia Beach, we stayed with our friend for a few days until we could find an apartment. We ended up in Squamish in a nice apartment building. The kids loved it and so did I but he (my KISA, as I called him), didn't. Thats not quite right there is information missing in my head because I do not remember how he felt about it and I should.

There are a few highlights like finding a super thrift shop that became a favourite place to visit and my work at Whistler cleaning up after tourists, climbing the mountain and seeing a mountain lake for the first time.

The memories are very disjointed. I fell down a flight of steps going to the basement, though I'm not sure why I was going into the basement at all unless it was to do laundry. There was a shadow behind me that I feel pushed me so I stumbled on the stairs but I think I staggered but managed to maintain my feet.

There was the man KISA claimed was his uncle who managed the building and who tried to hypnotize me and got pissy when I broke the trance by laughing.

There was a woman who I thought KISA was having an affair with.

When we decided to leave because he was missing his mother (I think that is why we left, he wanted to come back to Peterpatch), I gave some money to the kids and put them on the bus because we were not sure we would be able to places to sleep for four of us and a cat. 

I don't remember the trip back at all beyond an argument because I thought we had more money to travel with then I found in my purse. I accused him of giving some of it to his lover. 

Its such a jumbled mess because maybe the man did manage to hypnotize me and planted the thought of KISA cheating on me, because the shadow that pushed me evolved into KISA. I don't know, that is the story I remember but I am beginning to think there are too many blank spots, that it is not the true story. That things didn't go the way I thought they did and that it wasn't KISA's fault, that my anger was misplaced.

I still feel anger when I meet with him and it feels that every word out of his mouth is a lie and I am not that person. I have never been that kind of person. It feels wrong, incorrect, like maybe it was a dream or an implanted memory. I've always thought that I broke the trance with a laugh before I fall too deep yet what if I didn't?

What if it is like the fever dream that turned pleased laughter and cheers into scornful laughter and jeers from when I danced with the shadows after watching my first ballet? It is scary what the mind can convince us is true even when we know it can not be. 

I admit to some jealousy because KISA has had some of his poetry published, while only one of mine was. The difference of course is that he got himself someone to publish it for him while I never really tried. My poetry was my way of dealing with what ever shit was going on in my life. I had no plans to publish it yet I feel jealous that he did manage that and so much else in his life.

Its weird I have known I was standing still in much of my life, not taking chances but I never understood why. I just say I am not competitive, I don't push I drift. Nothing has ever been that important to me that I would chase it, nothing. Perhaps I need to find that drive.

Perhaps I have found it, the thing that is important to me but I can't even put it into words properly. I want to help the homeless and the addicts through little acts of service as I have done since last summer. I want to provide shelter for them. I have no idea how to go about it and I am terrified to try.

What if I start and it is too much for me? Drifting is easier. Fear really is a mind killer. Fear is the enemy I have to find and overcome. Isn't it?