Steady not Spectacular

At 4:50 a.m. on Sunday, I learned something new about my blood pressure

This week was not about transformation.

It was about steadiness.

Which, when you’re managing chronic illness, fluctuating blood pressure, blood sugar, and a nervous system that apparently believes in dramatic entrances, is no small thing.

Clearing Space (and Not Just on My Screen)

It started innocently enough: deleting old chats and managing digital memory.

But while I was clearing out old threads, I found myself wondering how much emotional clutter I carry around the same way. Archived. Saved. Revisited.

Not everything needs to be stored for future reflection. Some thoughts can be acknowledged and gently released. Some seasons don’t need replaying.

There’s a quiet relief in deleting something and realizing the world does not collapse.

Maybe the same is true internally.

Energy Is the Real Currency

I used to think I needed better time management. Now I know I need better energy management.

I can have an entirely free afternoon and still feel like my internal battery is blinking red.

With fibromyalgia, diabetes, and high blood pressure, energy isn’t unlimited. It’s rationed. Carefully. Sometimes grudgingly.

So instead of asking, “How do I fill my time?” I’m asking, “What protects my energy?”

That shift has led to simple rhythms:

No-spend evenings instead of wandering online and spending money out of boredom.
A small, steady writing ritual instead of waiting for inspiration to strike like lightning.
YMCA classes — Aquafit and Chairfit — because moving gently in water or from a chair is movement I can actually sustain.

Not impressive. Not dramatic.

But repeatable.

And repeatable matters more than ambitious.

The One-Page Growth Map (Because Overwhelm Is Not a Strategy)

I created a personal growth map this week. Not a vision board. Not a five-year overhaul.

Just one page.

Stabilize blood sugar and blood pressure
Increase gentle movement
Practice emotional self-kindness
Rebuild curiosity and writing
Re-enter social spaces slowly

Seeing it all in one place didn’t make me feel pressured. It made me feel oriented.

It’s a compass, not a performance review.

At this stage of life, clarity feels far more useful than grand ambition.

Blood Pressure, Blood Sugar, and the 4:50 a.m. Reality

This week my blood pressure crept into hypertensive territory several times. Before this it had been merely elevated.

Naturally, my first thought was, “What did I do wrong?”

Too much tea? Not enough movement? A snack I shouldn’t have had?

Then I remembered how the day had actually started.

At 4:50 a.m. I was jolted awake by loud pounding on my door. Firefighters. Someone had smelled smoke and called it in. I went from deep sleep to upright and disoriented in seconds.

Adrenaline doesn’t ease you into the day.

And it hasn’t just been that one morning. This week has included early wake-ups from loud arguing outside, sometimes inside. Nothing catastrophic. Just enough to keep my nervous system on alert before sunrise.

It’s easy to look at a number — blood pressure or blood sugar — and assume failure.

But maybe my body is simply responding to stress and sleep disruption.

Instead of spiralling, I’m trying (not always perfectly) to look for patterns.

Poor sleep.
Stress spikes.
Caffeine layered on top.

Data over self-blame.

The same goes for blood sugar. One high morning number isn’t proof that I’ve ruined everything. It might be stress hormones. It might be broken sleep. It might just be biology doing what biology does.

I’m learning to ask, “What happened around this number?” instead of “What’s wrong with me?”

That question changes everything.

Intentions That Don’t Require Perfection

I’ve been working with daily intentions. Not dramatic declarations. Just small reminders:

Gentle movement still counts.
Small progress is real progress.
Showing up imperfectly is still showing up.

Between YMCA classes, rebuilding my writing practice, and managing chronic illness one day at a time, I’m not chasing reinvention.

I’m building steadiness.

Steadiness may not look impressive. It does feel sustainable.

And right now, sustainable wins

The Thread Through It All

This week wasn’t about fixing my life.

It was about:

Clearing space.
Protecting energy.
Creating gentle structure.
Managing blood pressure and blood sugar with curiosity instead of panic.
Practicing self-compassion even when I’d rather criticize myself into improvement.

Small shifts. Repeated.

That’s the work for me right now.

If you’re managing your own version of chronic illness, stress, or simply life after 60, what patterns are you noticing? What’s helping? What isn’t?

Sometimes comparing notes is more useful than comparing outcomes.

One month Check-in

Why I Keep Showing Up at the YMCA Even When It Feels Hard

I want to start this honestly
I have already gone

In January I attended one Aquafit class one meditation class and one Chairfit class That matters because trying something once when you live with disabilities takes effort courage and a fair bit of mental negotiation

The YMCA is slowly becoming a place I am willing to return to and that says more than any fitness goal ever could

For about 30 dollars every two weeks the membership feels manageable and realistic especially on a fixed income Pricing can vary by location but the value for choice and accessibility feels solid

Aquafit My First Yes

Aquafit was my first class and it felt like the safest place to begin The water supported my body in ways the floor never does My joints complained less my balance felt steadier and I did not feel rushed

What surprised me most was how normal it felt Nobody was watching Nobody cared if I paused or modified I just moved and that was enough

That alone made it worth showing up

Chair fit Where Effort Meets Reality

Chair fit confirmed something important
I do not need to stand to get stronger

Being able to stay seated while still working on strength flexibility and stability removed a huge barrier Chair fit respected the fact that some days standing is not the win

Leaving that class I felt worked but not wiped out which is the balance I am always chasing

Meditation The Unexpected Bonus

The meditation class was quieter slower and exactly what my nervous system needed Movement is not always physical Sometimes it is learning how to breathe again without rushing yourself

Having this included in the same membership made the YMCA feel less like a gym and more like a wellness space

The Balance Program The One I Am Still Considering

The balance program is the only one I have not attended yet Not because it is not important but because balance is personal When it starts to feel shaky it touches confidence independence and fear

I am watching this one closely Balance training feels less like exercise and more like future proofing I am not there yet but I am closer than I was

Why I Will Likely Keep Going

What keeps me coming back is not motivation
It is permission

Permission to move slowly
Permission to adapt
Permission to show up imperfectly

The YMCA feels like a place where seniors with disabilities are expected not accommodated as an afterthought

That matters

Final Thoughts

This is not a transformation story It is a continuation story

I went
I tried
I survived
I might go again

For now that is enough

I had a good time in the classes. As usual there were more women than men and the chair fit group actually let me sit with them before class.This was enough to encourage me to come back!

I hit a small snag in the third week of January due to some mismanagement of THC, the cartridge I was using was like 65% THC and that sent me into the worst depression I've had in months. A talk with E help me understand that the amount of THC I was using was too much for the sleepy time effect and was triggering me. I switched to one called Nighty Night which only contains CBD & CBN no THC and I am much improved.

My main goal for February is to attend 3 days a week. I am not sure I'm ready for that but I will go at least once a week that is the absolutely the least I will allow myself.

My second goal is to attend a Social Seniors program at the library More than one if I can manage it. The Thursday one is at the Miskin Centre which also has an indoor walking track so if I can't do the social thing for long I can still get some exercise in

My third goal is the reorg of my 5x5 Yeah I know I've tried before but not knowing what I have or where stuff is is driving me a bit batty

I'll see you again on March 1st at least that is the plan.

had a little help from chatgpt with this. It just writes me better than I write myself :)

Looking Ahead: Goals for 2026 and Choosing Intention

Looking toward 2026, I know one thing for sure. I do not want another year to drift by without intention. I am tired of feeling lost and disconnected from my own life. This is not about dramatic reinvention or chasing some ideal version of myself. It is about choosing steadier ground and building something livable, one small decision at a time.

Age has been echoing loudly in my head lately. Sixty five feels heavy, not because it is old, but because it comes with awareness. There is time left, real time, and what I do with it matters. That realization is uncomfortable, but it is also clarifying. I do not want to spend the coming years frozen in place by fear, exhaustion, or habit. If I am going to move forward, I need to do it deliberately.

Health is an unavoidable part of that picture. Not in a perfectionist or punishing way, but in a practical one. I want to walk regularly, in all kinds of weather. I want to use my weights to build strength and practice yoga or gentle stretching to improve flexibility. These are not lofty goals. They are basic acts of care. I do not need to love them. I just need to do them often enough that my body remembers how to move again.

Getting outside matters more than I have been allowing myself to admit. I want more walks in parks, more time in green spaces, and more participation in community events. Things like library classes, park activities, and walks that bring people together. My knees and hips complain, but avoiding movement has not helped them either. Strength might come slowly, but it will not come at all if I stay still.

My home also needs attention, because the way I live inside my space affects how I live inside my head. I want a simpler, more minimal environment. Less clutter. Fewer unused items. A bedroom that feels calm instead of chaotic. That means cleaning out my closet, clearing the floor, and creating room to move. I want dishes done regularly, not sitting in the sink for weeks. I want the top of my stove clear so cooking feels possible instead of overwhelming.

Cooking is something I want to return to gently. Not elaborate meals, just real food prepared ahead of time. Meal prep feels like a form of self respect when done realistically. If I can lower my blood pressure and blood sugar through consistent habits, everything else becomes a little easier. I am not chasing fast results. I am looking for steadiness.

Daily care matters too. Small things that seem insignificant but add up over time. Brushing my teeth every day. Wearing my teeth all day. Showering more than once a month. These are not moral failings. They are signals that structure has slipped away, and structure is something I need to rebuild with kindness rather than shame.

Creativity is another thread I do not want to lose. I want to publish my poetry book. That goal has stayed with me because it matters. Woulf’s story has changed over time, shifting from fantasy into something more educational and grounded, especially around caring for forests. I need to decide what that project truly wants to be now, instead of holding it frozen in an earlier version of myself.

Helping others continues to pull at me, but I need to be honest about what I can give. I have thought about volunteering at places like Trinity and Tiny Village, though I am not sure yet how much time or energy I can commit. At the very least, I want to keep water on my sill and stay connected to the idea that small acts still matter. I want helping to feel meaningful, not draining or obligatory.

Learning is another area where I feel uncertain. I thought I wanted to dive deeper into AI, especially art tools, but I am not sure what I actually want to create right now. That uncertainty is okay. Maybe 2026 is about exploration rather than mastery. Allowing curiosity to lead instead of forcing a plan where one does not yet exist.

Above all, I want to learn how to focus again. Focus feels like a lost skill, but it can be practiced. Slowly. Imperfectly. One habit at a time. If I can build even a small amount of consistency into my days, the rest has a chance to follow.

I am not aiming for a perfect year. I am aiming for a year that belongs to me. One where intention replaces drifting, and care replaces avoidance. That feels like a reasonable place to start.

A Quiet Year in Review: Finding My Way Back

I was going through my blog recently and realized something important: December 2024 came and went without any kind of year in review. At the time, I did not think much of it, but looking back now I can see how much that missing pause mattered. I do not function well without some kind of plan or reflection, and this past year really shows that. Skipping that moment of looking back may be one reason I have felt so lost moving through 2025.

When I reread my posts from early 2025, I noticed something else too. Things are better in some ways, yet emotionally I am still close to where I was in January. Winter has always pulled me inward, and December and January seem to amplify everything. I know this is common and that many people struggle more in the colder, darker months, but it always feels heavier when it is happening to you personally. Awareness does not stop the feeling, but it does help me name it.

This past year carried a lot of emotional weight, especially around family milestones. When the first grandchildren gets married, it stirs something deep, and when it happens within a short span, the emotions can feel overwhelming. Add in significant birthdays and major life markers, and it all stacks up quickly. These are good events, meaningful ones, but even joyful change can be exhausting when there is already a lot sitting under the surface.

Despite how foggy much of the year feels, there were bright moments that stand out clearly now. One of the highlights was visiting Casa Loma in Toronto while they were preparing for their Halloween gala. Seeing that historic place in transition was fascinating and memorable. I also experienced a Christkindl market and a Krampus Nacht event for the first time, which felt both strange and wonderful. Those moments mattered, even if I did not fully appreciate them at the time. They remind me that wonder still shows up, even when I am distracted by my own thoughts.

The truth is, I do not remember large parts of the year very well. I was too lost inside my own head. There was a lot of emotional spinning and not much structure. Looking back, I can see how easily self pity crept in and how little it helped. Laughing at myself helped more than sinking deeper, because tears alone do not create change unless they lead somewhere useful.

This year became less about what happened and more about what it revealed. Reading my own words showed me patterns that have been repeating for decades. Grief, stress, and responsibility have layered themselves one on top of another, and each time I regain my footing, something new seems to knock me sideways. Recognizing that pattern is uncomfortable but necessary. It helps explain why drifting has become my default and why focus feels so difficult to maintain.

What this year really taught me is that reflection is not indulgent, and it is not weakness. When done honestly, it becomes a tool. Without it, I drift. Without some kind of structure, I lose momentum and direction. That realization alone feels like progress, even if it does not come with instant solutions.

This has been more of a review of my inner landscape than a neat list of accomplishments or failures, and that is okay. Maybe this is exactly the kind of review I needed after all. 2025 was good in some ways and hard in others. Helping people in small ways brought meaning. Frustrations also took up more mental space than they deserved. Learning to let go of that mental clutter feels like part of the work ahead.

Looking back now, I can see that this year was not empty or wasted. It was quiet, messy, emotional, and unfinished. It showed me where I get stuck and what I need more of going forward: structure, intention, and gentleness, especially during the winter months. Naming all of this feels like the first solid step toward steadier ground and a more intentional year ahead.

Closing note:
In my next post, I look forward instead of back. I start turning these reflections into simple, practical goals for 2026, focusing on health, creativity, home, and showing up for life with more intention.

Happy Holidays

The last one read like the manifesto of a suicide I know but I am not one of those. I've just been going through a rough patch.

Something else is on my mind today and has been for awhile. Winter gives you nothing but time to think and December especially seems like a month for introspection what with the season of good will towards men turning into the lead up for a brand new year. For years I started this process right after my birthday in October but with all the shit I'm dealing with to get myself set up for the next 20-40 years,(turning 65 is no fun), I have just barely started the process.

A long time ago a doctor told me that obesity is a long slow death so that it what I chose but these days I am actually unhappy with my weight because it has begun to interfere with the thing I like best like travelling to new places and exploring them.

I have become more and more unhappy with myself over the last couple of months. It has got to the point that I order in my groceries rather than go fetch them myself unless I have a ride. I hope that makes sense. Change is so hard though!

I had a program I think it was near the beginning of the year where I did a couple of stretches in bed then got up and did some marching in place before I even got dressed. I had a whole routine for the morning: movement, making my bed, getting dressed, eating breakfast, cleaning up afterwards before I even turned my computer on. That routine and many others are very missing in my life and I miss it/them.

I kept that one up for 6 months I think before something came along and derailed me. That is the longest I've ever stuck to a routine. Now that I think on it it may have been a couple of years.

Since COVID so much has changed and this new political situation has caused prices to soar once again. Its been a long time since you could get a loaf of bread for a buck and even longer since you could get a can a pop and a small bag of chips for a quarter at the Five and Dime these days everything is a buck or two and they are called Dollar Stores.

Yeah I am old enough to remember the five and dime but that is not what I am talking about today. I miss my rut at least then I was doing something. These days all I do is play games, read and watch TV. Most of that on my computer.

I am all over the place today, memories are coming thick and fast but memories is not where I want to go. I want to get myself into a routine one that won't be derailed if I'm sharing my bed or sleeping in a hotel room and that is going to take some thinking and a lot of practice.

Microsoft To-Do is my planner of choice because it can be anywhere there is internet and you have a Microsoft ID which most people these day people do and it can contain a lot of lists that can be time-tabled and shown in one window with check boxes and everything.

I have set up a lot of lists on it but I really need organize them better so that I don't have duplicates. It is easy and though it may not be as complex as one of the pricey ones I like it just fine. That is what I've been working on for the last couple of weeks with a little help from ChatGPT. While it is useful it definitely needs some refining which I'll be working on between now and the new year.

There is a book I have in my collection called Atomic Habits which I highly recommend if you are struggling with keeping a regular routine, it will be one of the books I'll be referring to over the next couple of weeks to help me get organized again. This time I hope more than a couple of things will stick.

Another book I recommend is CHAOS to Clean which is the only book since the Sidetracked Sisters that I have found helpful for getting the house clean and organized. It is also on my reference list for the next couple of weeks because I really love her program 31 Easy Baby Steps.

There are others but these two have helped me the most over the years and they will be the building blocks I will use to create a daily routine I can follow that works for me.

The other thing I need to find is a plan of some sort that will help me with my diabetes and hypertension. I really don't want a heart attack! This part of the planning will not be easy. As of right this minute I have enough to pay my rent and buy a few groceries. If I forgo food I can pay for my internet too but that leaves me no money for anything else. That makes me sad I have become used to living a life where I can afford almost anything I wanted but since my birthday I have found myself going to E for help far more than I am comfortable with.

Diet and Finances those are the two areas that I am having great difficulty with with all the changes that have happened since 2025 began. I will be glad to see the end of it. I hope 2026 is better. Happy holidays and wish me luck changing my life for the better.

Another Day, Another Tangle of Feelings

Some days I get in my own head so deeply that I lose track of where the pain ends and where my words begin. When that happens, people sometimes get hurt — even the ones I care about. I don’t mean to. I don’t even fully understand why. If someone asks how I feel, I tell them… but the truth is, sometimes I don’t think they’re prepared to hear it. And if I’m being honest, sometimes neither am I.

Talking has never been easy for me, especially when emotions run high. The words vanish when I try to speak them, but when I write, they come out — raw, messy, and real. Writing is how I manage the pain. It’s also how I avoid interacting with people when I’m struggling, because I’m not great at it. The words feel safer on paper than in conversation.

Today they come slowly. I’m sitting with a lot of sadness and regret for the things I said yesterday. I was angry — more than I realized — and I let it spill onto someone who didn’t deserve it quite that way. He asked how I was feeling (or did he? I’m not sure anymore), and I unloaded more than either of us was ready for. I don’t regret being honest, but I regret the way it landed.

Right now, I’m tired of hiding how fragmented I feel inside. I’m tired of pretending everything is fine just to make others more comfortable. I’ve spent so much time accommodating everyone else that somewhere along the way, I started losing pieces of myself.

In Other News: E and I are Struggling

We’re fighting — not about anything important in the bigger picture, but small things that carry heavier meaning. He has a habit of reclaiming items he’s given away if the person later throws them out or passes them on. I threw away an air fryer he gave me over five years ago because it was beyond saving, and he wouldn’t let it go. I asked him twice to stop, but he wouldn’t. So I snapped.

I told him to stop, and when he signed off with “I love you, bye,” all I could manage was “bye.” Because in that moment, I didn’t feel loved. I felt distrusted — like I’d done something wrong by choosing cleanliness over clutter.

So I’ve decided if he wants to cook here, he can bring what he needs and take it back with him. If I’m not “responsible enough” to keep his things, then I won’t keep them. Truthfully, I don’t want anything material from him. What I wanted — what I still want — is care. Time. To be seen.

I wanted his undivided attention once in a while, to matter more than work, more than obligation. But instead, I’ve spent years in the background, supporting him quietly while feeling invisible. It hurts to admit that. It hurts more to wonder if I ever really mattered to him the way I hoped I did.

The Hard Part

The complicated truth is this: I still love him. I can’t imagine life without him. I just wish I felt loved back — or even cherished, occasionally prioritized. Instead, I feel like a convenience. A safe place to visit. Someone he comes to for comfort, not someone he chooses for connection.

Yesterday, I felt treated not as a partner but as untrustworthy. As a child. And I am tired. I survived before him, and I can survive again if I have to. I don’t want to… but I will if nothing changes.

For now, I’m sitting with what’s real. Not rushing it. Not burying it. Just writing it down so it stops echoing so loudly inside. Because I’ve learned something, even through the mess:

Being honest may hurt, but hiding yourself hurts more.

Tears

I am lost in my head today and my heart hurts. I've had to close my window to the out-siders and I have told them why. If I don't I risk losing my apartment and I will not allow myself to become homeless but then I'm accused of lying. I care I care too much but I can't afford to lose my apartment I just can't going out in the cold it makes my knee go haywire and I can barely walk.

Yeah E I know I should have told you that but I still want to do the week-end we planned I will just have to wear my brace

The tears won't stop but at least they are silent, when I first was ordered to stop I burst into loud noisy tears as soon as I closed my window.

The outsiders are so used to being homeless that someone withdrawing support to keep the roof over their head seems to them like I was faking the whole time my window was available to them because now it isn't. I understand them being upset at me I'm upset too. I will not give up my home for them I can't.

With the cold comes all sorts of aches and pains that only come when its cold. Those aches and pains limit my activity enough without being forced to sleep outside. Oh I could couch surf for a little while but what kind of life is that for a 65 year old woman.

The tears won't stop , the lonliness and depression are already making themselves known. If I were not so fearful I wouldn't care I'd do it anyway but 60 days from the end of November puts us smack into the end of January I would not survive.

I know I have people who will take me in for a few weeks maybe but it is not the same as having my own place.

Two days later the water is back on my sill because I had about 35 bottles that I know I won't drink all of. The sign in my window says only water and juice crystals knock. Some will see it and it will eventually all be taken it's just going to take a little bit. After two day of the sign telling everyone I was ordered to close my window they are going to be reluctant and since they know why it happened they will avoid the area for a week or so. Still better out there than in here going to waste.

The food I sent to the tiny homes, the first aid stuff I sent to 186.

I am still not sure if I'm going to be able to pay my rent but at least I am safer now than I was. I will get to keep the apartment for a little while at least.