Meandering

 So it is almost mid summer, tomorrow in fact. Should I celebrate the longest day of the year? I'd love to but I do not have a place I can do that. I seldom regret that I don't own a house but really I'm 63 what would be the point except as something to give my kids to sell when I die.

Still I miss being able to decorate the front porch for what ever holiday was up next, I miss being able to have a barbecue and a bonfire on the back patio. Sometimes, like today when such an important sun day is coming but other than that I can do without the hassle of home ownership.

An in-law apartment somewhere yeah I could do that and gladly but a house with all the maintenance stuff uh uh.

I need to figure out who I am again, or  I can  just do what I please as I please and see where it takes me. I'm afraid that will make me an enemy of some dangerous people but I really don't care. They want respect they gotta show others respect, I've tried but all I seem to do is clean up after them.

I want to take out a can of spray paint and paint a message for all to see. "Respect the Earth, clean up after yourself!" 'cept I might get in trouble for public mischief or something. Might do it anyway cause it needs to be said. I am still so mentally tired, I know it never goes away but I would like one happy day. A day when I feel alive and vibrant.

Escape

 I can't shake the feeling I am going to be homeless soon and I don't know that I am ready for that.

Why do I feel that way, I'm not sure but I have the feeling just the same. It seems that troubles keep piling up and I can hardly breathe for all the things I feel responsible for. 

I am not supposed to be responsible for anyone or anything except myself, supposed to be so. I cry a lot inside myself, the dythymia is jumping all over the place, some days I feel manic other days it's a chore to get out of bed.

Stuff comes out of my mouth that I would not say if I were in my normal mindset  and the cloying air chokes me. I go off on people for no real reason except that they have said or done something to piss me off. The worst part for me is seeing myself do these things and being unable to stop myself.

This is my third iteration of myself or maybe the fourth and I do not like myself but it feels like I have stuff from a long time ago cropping up and I get that person was a lot different from me now. I want to get through this and become someone strong and maybe likeable.

Tears are close my throat is closing up.

I really need an electric bike and a tent, I need to get away from everyone and everything around me so I can figure out who the hell I am and what kind of life I want to live and that kind of solitude sounds great to me

a voice to speak my truth

 i needed an open forum to work through a few things. I began to cry today just because a friend that I yelled at yelled back. i know i tend to just jump into things with both feet

said friend assumed that because I was leaving and didn't know where I would end up and that E wouldn't be with me and made an indecent proposal. I said no cause I may be leaving first e will join me as soon as he is able to. this is what we have discussed.

I did not realize just how sensitive I was to being yelled at. I went about it the wrong way obviously by shouting but him shouting back shook me to my core. no one has shouted at me in a long time & now I can't get the tears to stop

I always knew I didn't like conflict but I also realize that something is changing in my brain and I am angry a lot.  I knew this feeling a long time ago I think before I went through a car accident and a total mental breakdown. I yell rather than go cold like I trained myself to do a long time ago.

if this doesn't make sense it's because it is stream of thought not planned

I sleep a lot and now the tears I am beginning to wonder how close to a nother mental breakdown I am. If the pills aren't helping then I need to deal with it instead of hiding in sleep, sleep is so much easier and I don't have children to get up to go to school or any dependants that would get in the way of that

if I sleep then the constant grey skies in my head are hidden at least for awhile but truth be known it seems to be nearly constant now

the hiding and the feeling of needing to run away I felt it one other time and I packed my kids up and left Peterborough for Mississauga Actually as I was writing this I realized it was a lie.

The first time it happened I allowed a man to take me away from here only to find out he was a abusive monster, when I managed to get away I ended up at a shelter and then in an apartment and then into a mental breakdown

Those words mental breakdown... my life has changed or rather I have changed three times in my life that I remember though there may have been others when I was young.

The first time was the one I described above, the second time was when my mother died and the third was when I met e, though that was  relatively healthy and happier than the first two.

Though I keep discounting the truck accident when I was 21 or so because at the time I did not realize I had changed

stupid small instances keep coming into my head, like when I got my first period and nearly fainted, then I banged my head against a brick wall, that was when I began to write poetry. the instance when mom beat me for telling her no in front of a room full of family. So much happened between 12 and 14. I had my first boyfriend, I was beaten , i tried to run away, my uncles tried to have their way with me, my first period and then without knowing a thing about why I started to feel sad all the time.

that last part a shrink told me, she said that I had been depressed since I was 13 or so, no mention was made about why she just gave me some medication, I was 25 or so I guess, my kids were in school and so was I, that was the first job training I took. this was after I had the mental breakdown I think. I remember that the after school caretaker yelled at me because I was so late coming to get them, the medication had knocked me out for most of the day as my body adjusted to it.

just when I think they are done they start again, the tears, it doesn't make sense, GD#1 came by for the bus pass stuff and after she left the tears began again. I'm a sodden mess again. So tired, it is deepening again.

the depression, dythymia they call it now a constant feeling of sadness that is caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain. Depending on so many factors it can be just a faint feeling or an overbearing state of being, today it is overbearing.

May 13- Take off and arrival

 Getting up at 6 am is ungodly early but we had to leave by 7 am to get to the airport on time. We went to the airport by Lyft so that wasn't so bad and he was able to get us there well within our window. 

One good thing to know about travelling by plane, put your ticket on your phone because you have to show it at least 5 times before you get on the plane. You will also need some kind of ID to get on the plane. As an unseasoned traveller I have a lot to learn, this is only my second time flying. Next time maybe I'll fly east instead of west.

E has been talking about driving there but he is our only driver so it will take a week or more to drive there to allow him adequate rest time. We have a couple of trips in the works but as E is fond of reminding me all the good things in life cost money. And this trip cost him $1000 dollars to bring me. He figures I should know, so I will be suitably grateful.

Wow I am in a cynical mood today, I hope I am not turning into a grumpy old lady. He is able to afford it so it is not that big of a deal but still... gratitude love but I don't care about money. 

I never really have, as long as I have enough to pay my bills and buy food I'm not worried, shrug, but E and I come from very different backgrounds which is why we work. If he came from my world I don't think I would like him much.

OK back to the topic of today. The wait to get on the plane was about two hours and I spent it reading and playing cards, oh and charging my devices. The airline we took is called PORTER and it includes free WI-Fi on the plane and charging stations both in the airport and in the plane.

The trip itself was without incident although we did hit a bit of turbulence on our decent, not a lot but you could feel the plane shake a little. We landed in this maze of an airport where you had to go up then down then around and down again. Crazy!

I took pictures of course being me of takeoff and landing, I was amused to see the guy in front of me videotape the whole process which felt like an hour but was probably much less. I slept a lot on the plane because trying to read made me dizzy.

When we arrived at the hotel we were very pleasantly surprised, it looks sorta rustic on the outside but inside was anything but. We walked into a room that held two queen sized beds, a full bath including a tub deep enough to soak in, a kitchenette that included a stove top, a sink, a fridge and a microwave, there is a balcony that looks out onto a driveway and a highway but despite that still looks nice. there is this vine wrapped tree right outside our window that is absolutely gorgeous.

After stopping at Triple O Burger (its inside a service station) we drove out to the first site so he could know the route for Tuesday(today) and I got my first surprise. It seems that I had the wrong address for the first site so I could not do the walk I had planned. 

That only meant that I got to sleep in a little though I still woke up at my usual 7 am. And around 10 am I'll call E and see if he is available to take me out to explore a bit. The first place on my list was something called the Tower of Bauble but since that hasn't happened yet I'll stop for now. I have decided that I will upload my pictures to Instagram so you can find them @cherylmarois 

Triple O burgers

Our Hotel

Mountains everywhere you look

 

May 12- One more Day 'til we leave for Vancouver

 Yesterday was a great day! We left Peterpatch around 8am and headed to Toronto. We had a full day planned. The two main things for the day was the Ripley's Aquarium then watch a production of Les Miserable @ Mervish Theatre.

The Aquarium was a great test for Night photography on my phone as they keep it so dim there. When I remembered to wait for it to finish processing I got some lovely shots like these

Sea Anemone

Star Fish

Look like dandelions to me

We visited the gift shop on our way out and I got another magnet for my fridge. That cute little purple guy.

After that we stopped for lunch, from a hotdog cart, I got a mild polish sausage, I ate the sausage and gave all or almost all of the bun to the birds. There were pigeons and wrens vying for it. The wrens are quick and if they can hold it in their beak they will take it, they even tryed with the much bigger pieces I threw out for the pigeons. It was quite funny actually watching this small bird try to take a piece of bread bigger than their head.

After we ate we still had a couple of hours before the show so we went across the street to look around the train museum. I saw an engine the size of a car and another made from wood as well as tons of model trains, they had three showcases full.

GS#1 would love it I think!

We headed back to the theatre stopping too get a beavertail at a place outside the aquarium. I was a bit upset about the service there and my beavertail was way too crispy but delicious anyway.

On the way back we went under this bridge, E told me what it was called but I don't remember. They had painted the walls on both sides with famous natives

Most of the paintings were defaced in one way or another which really saddened me. People should have more respect for their historical heros.

Les Miserables was excellent! It made me laugh and cry and gave me goosebumps like a good play should. E keeps asking why we had to see it twice so I remind him he saw Phantom of the opera 10 times so he really has no room to talk.

Something is a classic for a reason and Les Mis is definitly a classic.

I got 4 pins for my hat, they are pretty cool but I think my favourite is "One More Day".

We headed back home and tryed out the Local Boston Pizza which was a bit disappointing, service was so slow a meal that should have been done in half an hour lasted nearly 2 hours though the food was pretty good.

July 14: West Edmonton Mall

 

I will be honest by the time we got here I was beat but it was our last day before returning home so we spent an hour or so looking around. I didn't take very many pictures

The first thing I saw when I walked in was an Ice Rink and not a small one either, there was a hockey game going on. It was a peewee team but we didn't stop, it was cold in that hall.

I took a photo of the Map but it didn't turn out well so this one is from their website.

You can see how massive it is! 

There was so much to see that I was sad that I was too tired to really enjoy it, maybe next time we'll do it first instead of last.

I realize that this is nearly a year over due but it has been a very difficult time for me between dealing with the Cancer, GD #3's break down followed by my own, a bout of Covid and months stuck so deep in my head I wasn't sure I'd ever find my way out. I hope since then I have made some amends.

**The Power of Listening: 12 Essential Skills for Meaningful Connections**

In our fast-paced world, effective communication is key. Central to this is the often-overlooked art of listening. Listening isn't just about hearing; it's about understanding, empathizing, and truly connecting with others. Here are 12 essential listening skills to help you enhance your communication and relationships:

- **Active Engagement**: Show genuine interest in the speaker by using both verbal and non-verbal cues. Maintain eye contact, nod, and provide feedback to demonstrate your attention.

- **Empathetic Understanding**: Try to see things from the speaker's perspective and acknowledge their emotions. Reflecting their feelings back to them shows empathy and understanding.

- **Non-Verbal Awareness**: Pay attention to the speaker's body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice. These cues can convey more than words alone.

- **Respectful Silence**: Allow for pauses in conversation, as silence can be just as powerful as words. This gives the speaker time to gather their thoughts.

- **Avoiding Interruptions**: Let the speaker finish their thoughts before responding. Interrupting can disrupt the flow of conversation and make the speaker feel unheard.

- **Clarifying Questions**: If something is unclear, ask for clarification. This shows your commitment to understanding the speaker's message.

- **Paraphrasing**: Summarize what the speaker has said in your own words to ensure understanding. This also demonstrates your engagement in the conversation.

- **Suspending Judgment**: Keep an open mind and refrain from forming opinions too quickly. Listen without judgment to fully understand the speaker's perspective.

- **Reflecting Back**: Repeat the speaker's words to confirm understanding. This can help clarify any misunderstandings and deepen the conversation.

- **Constructive Feedback**: If asked, provide feedback that is specific and constructive. Focus on behaviors or actions, and offer suggestions for improvement.

- **Being Present**: Stay focused on the conversation and avoid distractions. Give your full attention to the speaker to show respect and interest.

- **Practicing Patience**: Developing good listening skills takes time. Be patient with yourself as you work on improving your ability to listen effectively.

By honing these listening skills, you can enhance your communication, build stronger connections, and navigate conflicts more successfully. Listening is a powerful tool that can transform your relationships and enrich your life.