Hopefully this will help Lady Eliza. This is where I found mine.
Grand-daughter #3
She has been displaying symptoms of mental illness. The adults in our family have been doing the best we can to mitigate the symptoms. The behaviors just kept getting worse. Two days ago she took off from a public building for the third time. Her mother with my full support had her admitted to the mental health centre at the local hospital.
Tomorrow she will be released and there is no plan in place. I feel that if she doesn't end up there again tomorrow night it will be in less than a month. That is unless they gave her some medication to calm her down.
As expected she arrived and within 3 days was in my care. For a day and a half I let her scream, at the end of which time she went to her maternal grandparents and then to her mother. I have agreed to take her for a few hours as needed but I will not have her stay here overnight, which I suppose was her reason for screaming all day.
My poor neighbours!
I have a minor case of PTSD after that, I hear her screaming in my mind at the oddest times. I am sorry things went that way but in the end she only has herself to blame. Oh I am sure I could of done things differently but no effort of mine got her to stop for more than a couple of hours. Not even a calming touch was enough to make her stop for long.
I am sorry for Ashley as she now needs to do this mainly on her own. Where does the root of the problem lie, I don't know but in the last year she has steadily gotten worse and worse.
I am tired of this topic it seems that all I've done over the last few months is talk about her and now I really want her out of my head for awhile.
I'm so tired
The ongoing trials and tribulations of dealing with two ODD personalities. The oldest refuses to engage in any consequences of the seconds' behavior. He doesn't do consequences or confrontations both of which are required in this situation. Tough love is unacceptable to him.
The second one has got it into her head that she can act any way she wants and she will be let go, (no consequences). So you would think a match made in heaven except that they mix like oil and vinegar. I'm the water that keeps them balanced I guess. But I can't do it alone, I won't do it alone.
Myles kicked me out for taking action. I did not even plan on them leaving the apartment just bagging them and leaving them as a reminder that there are consequences for her actions. What I should have done is take them out to the garbage. No I couldn't do that, that would be a step too far.
I don't know how Donna did it. I can't, Not with Myles going between one extreme and the other. I refuse to even try any more. They can fucking kill themselves.
I am enough.
Whitewolf, Alexa. Fated Rogues: A Paranormal Romance Series Starter Collection (Rogues Extended Universe Book 1) (p. 691). Luna Imprints. Kindle Edition.
I am enough? am I
I am enough! I AM
I am enough. (certainty)
But am I really? I am sufficient enough for me but for others I don't know. Not the point I wanted to talk about tonight, it was here from November 26 and figured I'd jump in and type for awhile cause my brain is having all kinds of thoughts and some of them contradict each other.
Lets start with the bane of my existence at this time GD#3. I want to think of her as a cute 10-year-old and she can be cute but I wonder how much she says to me is real and how much is made up.
For instance she refused to take a bath here but did so at her grandmothers without any fuss. When I asked her why she wouldn't answer me. Is she testing me & Myles to see how far she can get? I know that is highly possible but at the same time neither Myles nor I care for confrontation, though I have to admit my temper has been getting the better of me lately.
OK I went of somewhere and now I have lost my train of thought. I can't help feeling manipulated by her but I can't pinpoint how she is doing it. I also feel like she lies to us everyday but I have no proof.
When we started this I thought surely she can't be that bad, now I'm thinking she may be in far worse shape than I thought.
She has claimed to hear her squishmallows talking too loud for her to sleep in the same room as them, just another excuse to refuse to sleep in that room by herself. Before this she claimed to see faces in the dark. (Yeah I know that happens a lot with kids with over-active imaginations) but it is still worrying.
I think each time she has a fit I'm going to start recording her and listening to it afterwards. Myles says we argue a lot and I agree to an extent but ... She is ungrateful, narcissistic, contrary, rude and outright disobedient. Can I help her find a more positive path through life? At this point I don't think I will be able to. My hope is that the time she spends at the facility in Toronto will lead her there.
If it does not then I guess I will lose another grand-daughter to a painful, self punishing path.
Is it even my right to interfere, to try and lead her in a more positive direction then the one she seems to be headed in. I come from a different era, I know that and if I spoke to my parents the way she speaks to hers I'd have been knocked silly. Or worse.
I am tired now. I am fed up. and if I could find a way to disappear I would take it in a heartbeat but then I wouldn't really happy that alone so I would end up coming back to this mess.
- a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves."narcissists who think the world revolves around them"
Lies, Lies and more lies
I am so tired of the lies I keep hearing from GD#3, at the same time it is not my place to correct her. She said she was going home tomorrow, I hope so cause I really can't deal with her right now. I wish there was some way for me to disappear for a few weeks.
Time to contemplate my life and ... what? I honestly don't know. Robs heart attack made him take better care of himself, me ... nothing seems to have changed for me other than to see how barren my life has become. I honestly don't know the last time I felt I had meaning, that my continued existence had meaning, tonight I am not sure if it does.
Oh I am sure my family would disagree but I don't know why I am still alive. I am not sure that I even want to be alive. I feel like my dad did just before mom died, I need a long vacation from my life.
I am not even sure I can explain it to you, the emptiness I feel inside me. I am a mirror or a lamp post to the people in my life but there is no real core I can point to and say "that is who I am". I am a mirror and nothing more. There is no "Cheryl" just automatic responses. Did I say mirror, perhaps it is more like a robot. Present but not "present".
The worst part is it doesn't feel like depression, it feels ... like nothing. No place for me anywhere. Nothing I can point to and say that is me. I am hollow, empty, useless.
Even my phone doesn't belong to me anymore.
I'm Good (Blue)
"Part of the problem, time to set boundaries"- Everlovin
Yeah I've been realizing that. A long time ago a counsellor told me that as well but I don't know if I have ever had any boundries in my life other than the usual if you hurt me or my kids you are gone. Back then it was physical stuff, emotional and mental pain were not part of my knowledge. I am more aware of it now but I don't have protect myself that way.
"Start, if nothing else they will never learn to stand on their own 2 feet if you are constantly saving them from themselves"- Everlovin
Me and my partner discussing Personal Space. Not from him he is pretty good at giving me the space I need my children and grandchildren not so much
He says this song should be my theme song but it really isn't even close to the way I feel about my life these days. Once maybe but it has been a long time.
I've read a lot of books in my life about self awareness in its many forms (self-care, self-esteem, etc.) but I am still the same as always so if I am not the problem it must be them. That makes me feel guilty because I've been accused of being self-centered for most of my life.
How can I be self-centred and non self-centered. Yeah that is not the word but the word I mean is stuck in the back of my head somewhere refusing to make itself clear. Still this is clear enough I hope.
Anyway I acquired a book about setting Boundaries but I have not begun reading it, I am still not fighting for self-preservation. Self-preservation what a word for such a complex mess of emotions.
self-pres·er·va·tion ˌself-ˌpre-zər-ˈvā-shən
plural boundaries : something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent
The dictionary can not show the complexity of the personal interpretation present in my head. Or within society as a whole.The emotions and thoughts embodied in those two words ...
I don't know what happens next but I do intend to work on the boundaries thing if nothing else.
Forward
As you are aware I claim Paganism as my Spiritual practice, Nov 1st is our New Years day and with the completion of the radiation treatments I am finally able to look at things more clearly than I have in the last couple of years.
Yeah, first Covid then Breast Cancer been a real interesting few years. Not happy but interesting.
Yesterday I started the Estrogen blockers and today I am having my first hot flash since I turned 60, while I am not happy about that the alternative as my everlovin would say is worse. Quite frankly less than one year for the process from diagnosis to treatment isn't bad but is not something I want to repeat any time soon so menopause a second time. Though at least this is only 5 years unlike the ten of the first time.
Once I brought it to my doctor's attention things moved quickly but taking it to the doctor was something I delayed for a couple of months because at first, I thought it was from a fall I took in the winter. Note to self the next time I feel a lump on my chest I will not take that long to get to him.
On the 10th I see my personal doctor after nearly a year, I have chosen a talk appointment because I have a lot of questions to ask him. I had a whole head of questions when I made the appointment but I didn't write them down so I will have to do that between now and then
I started to plan the next year in October but I am having a hard time figuring out just what I need, the wants are easy.
- A library of 10,000 books which I am already halfway to ... that one is easy as long as my supplier gets back online, something about a provider canceling their security certificate, then it will take me awhile as I am limited to 50 books a day.
- A return to education geared towards Counseling preferably with an art basis. I am finding all kinds of information on CBT, ACT and other types of counseling. I had no idea there were so many specializations under that title. Everything from Art therapy to music therapy to business counseling come under that title.
- A life that is completely me- whoever that is. Very generalized because I am struggling with defining who I am (still) and what I need to thrive.
Thrive becoming the operative word of the year.
Definition of thrive
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Songs of the Month
I've been trying to write this post for two days, but the words just wouldn't come. This was supposed to be a soundtrack, like those...
