I am so lost in my head
I almost wish I were dead
I can't figure it out
I want to yell and shout
Like swords in my mind
The words are not kind
They slice and dice
My brain into rice
I try to cry it away
It goes for a day
Then is back twice as strong
I try but it goes wrong
Every damn time
I don't mean to whine
I need some sunshine
Or better yet a new life
Free from sorrow and strife
Good Neighbour
A good neighbour lends a hand where ever they can
To each blown around grain of humanity
A simple smile or a sudden hug for no reason
So easy, a free expression of compassion
A cup of water or a 1 litre bottle
Can make a huge difference.
This is my lament
Why are people such assholes
To give a homeless person
A place to rest for an hour or two
Maybe the difference for them
Between dying quick or slow
A small helping hand
On a hot, hot day
So simple, so easy
Essentially forgotten
A blanket or a plastic bag
the difference between
a good night and a bad one
I could go on but the sadness is hitting me really hard. The landlords called the cops to remove some of the resters and I got into a disagreement with a police officer. Now I think he thinks I'm a dealer but thats ok he can spend the day out there if he wants, I will do what I want to do.
Yeah!
What started out as a working trip has turned into a holiday for E so I am looking much more forward to it.
The plan as it stands now is that he will be here on the 28th, On the 29th we will be heading out to Ottawa. He asked me if there was anyplace I'd like to stop on the way. I haven't answered him yet but I will today.
Found several places of interest on the routes offered but which I get to see is for E to decide as he is the driver
July 1st: LeBreton Flats Park for the daytime ceremony, from noon to 1:15 pm (ET). The daytime ceremony kicks off the national celebrations with a look at our past, present and future. It underlines important anniversaries and themes while recognizing the diversity of our country. You’ll also have a chance to see the Canada Day Royal Canadian Air Force Centennial Flypast!
I had plans but due to a mis-step I ended up hurting my calve which meant that I wasn't able to do nearly as much walking as I planned.
Instead we stayed in the room until a couple of hours before sunset and wandered By Ward listening to the music and just enjoying a bit of outside. The energy was super.
While in the room we did see the snowbirds fly over and we certainly heard them. it was a simple v-formation close in to each other and then a small v with a few planes lagging behind just like the geese used to.
We saw some of the fireworks while walking up Rideau towards the residence but ended up watching them on you-tube, I was a bit sad by how short the time was but they were quite nice just the same
The weekend was actually very nice despite the screw up with my leg.
If you get a chance to go to Ottawa check out By-ward Market. At the front is seating galore for the ones who just want to sit and feel the energy in the city. At the front of the building is a restaurant and a dessert place, when I am just chillin' I sat on the outside portion of the restaurant and as long as I had a bottle of pop or something else from the place they don't bother you. I don't recall its actual name I just call it the cafe.
Inside the building is some of my favourite clothing, it a little on the expensive side but the quality is well worth it
So it is almost mid summer, tomorrow in fact. Should I celebrate the longest day of the year? I'd love to but I do not have a place I can do that. I seldom regret that I don't own a house but really I'm 63 what would be the point except as something to give my kids to sell when I die.
Still I miss being able to decorate the front porch for what ever holiday was up next, I miss being able to have a barbecue and a bonfire on the back patio. Sometimes, like today when such an important sun day is coming but other than that I can do without the hassle of home ownership.
An in-law apartment somewhere yeah I could do that and gladly but a house with all the maintenance stuff uh uh.
I need to figure out who I am again, or I can just do what I please as I please and see where it takes me. I'm afraid that will make me an enemy of some dangerous people but I really don't care. They want respect they gotta show others respect, I've tried but all I seem to do is clean up after them.
I want to take out a can of spray paint and paint a message for all to see. "Respect the Earth, clean up after yourself!" 'cept I might get in trouble for public mischief or something. Might do it anyway cause it needs to be said. I am still so mentally tired, I know it never goes away but I would like one happy day. A day when I feel alive and vibrant.
I can't shake the feeling I am going to be homeless soon and I don't know that I am ready for that.
Why do I feel that way, I'm not sure but I have the feeling just the same. It seems that troubles keep piling up and I can hardly breathe for all the things I feel responsible for.
I am not supposed to be responsible for anyone or anything except myself, supposed to be so. I cry a lot inside myself, the dythymia is jumping all over the place, some days I feel manic other days it's a chore to get out of bed.
Stuff comes out of my mouth that I would not say if I were in my normal mindset and the cloying air chokes me. I go off on people for no real reason except that they have said or done something to piss me off. The worst part for me is seeing myself do these things and being unable to stop myself.
This is my third iteration of myself or maybe the fourth and I do not like myself but it feels like I have stuff from a long time ago cropping up and I get that person was a lot different from me now. I want to get through this and become someone strong and maybe likeable.
Tears are close my throat is closing up.
I really need an electric bike and a tent, I need to get away from everyone and everything around me so I can figure out who the hell I am and what kind of life I want to live and that kind of solitude sounds great to me
i needed an open forum to work through a few things. I began to cry today just because a friend that I yelled at yelled back. i know i tend to just jump into things with both feet
said friend assumed that because I was leaving and didn't know where I would end up and that E wouldn't be with me and made an indecent proposal. I said no cause I may be leaving first e will join me as soon as he is able to. this is what we have discussed.
I did not realize just how sensitive I was to being yelled at. I went about it the wrong way obviously by shouting but him shouting back shook me to my core. no one has shouted at me in a long time & now I can't get the tears to stop
I always knew I didn't like conflict but I also realize that something is changing in my brain and I am angry a lot. I knew this feeling a long time ago I think before I went through a car accident and a total mental breakdown. I yell rather than go cold like I trained myself to do a long time ago.
if this doesn't make sense it's because it is stream of thought not planned
I sleep a lot and now the tears I am beginning to wonder how close to a nother mental breakdown I am. If the pills aren't helping then I need to deal with it instead of hiding in sleep, sleep is so much easier and I don't have children to get up to go to school or any dependants that would get in the way of that
if I sleep then the constant grey skies in my head are hidden at least for awhile but truth be known it seems to be nearly constant now
the hiding and the feeling of needing to run away I felt it one other time and I packed my kids up and left Peterborough for Mississauga Actually as I was writing this I realized it was a lie.
The first time it happened I allowed a man to take me away from here only to find out he was a abusive monster, when I managed to get away I ended up at a shelter and then in an apartment and then into a mental breakdown
Those words mental breakdown... my life has changed or rather I have changed three times in my life that I remember though there may have been others when I was young.
The first time was the one I described above, the second time was when my mother died and the third was when I met e, though that was relatively healthy and happier than the first two.
Though I keep discounting the truck accident when I was 21 or so because at the time I did not realize I had changed
stupid small instances keep coming into my head, like when I got my first period and nearly fainted, then I banged my head against a brick wall, that was when I began to write poetry. the instance when mom beat me for telling her no in front of a room full of family. So much happened between 12 and 14. I had my first boyfriend, I was beaten , i tried to run away, my uncles tried to have their way with me, my first period and then without knowing a thing about why I started to feel sad all the time.
that last part a shrink told me, she said that I had been depressed since I was 13 or so, no mention was made about why she just gave me some medication, I was 25 or so I guess, my kids were in school and so was I, that was the first job training I took. this was after I had the mental breakdown I think. I remember that the after school caretaker yelled at me because I was so late coming to get them, the medication had knocked me out for most of the day as my body adjusted to it.
just when I think they are done they start again, the tears, it doesn't make sense, GD#1 came by for the bus pass stuff and after she left the tears began again. I'm a sodden mess again. So tired, it is deepening again.
the depression, dythymia they call it now a constant feeling of sadness that is caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain. Depending on so many factors it can be just a faint feeling or an overbearing state of being, today it is overbearing.
Getting up at 6 am is ungodly early but we had to leave by 7 am to get to the airport on time. We went to the airport by Lyft so that wasn't so bad and he was able to get us there well within our window.
One good thing to know about travelling by plane, put your ticket on your phone because you have to show it at least 5 times before you get on the plane. You will also need some kind of ID to get on the plane. As an unseasoned traveller I have a lot to learn, this is only my second time flying. Next time maybe I'll fly east instead of west.
E has been talking about driving there but he is our only driver so it will take a week or more to drive there to allow him adequate rest time. We have a couple of trips in the works but as E is fond of reminding me all the good things in life cost money. And this trip cost him $1000 dollars to bring me. He figures I should know, so I will be suitably grateful.
Wow I am in a cynical mood today, I hope I am not turning into a grumpy old lady. He is able to afford it so it is not that big of a deal but still... gratitude love but I don't care about money.
I never really have, as long as I have enough to pay my bills and buy food I'm not worried, shrug, but E and I come from very different backgrounds which is why we work. If he came from my world I don't think I would like him much.
OK back to the topic of today. The wait to get on the plane was about two hours and I spent it reading and playing cards, oh and charging my devices. The airline we took is called PORTER and it includes free WI-Fi on the plane and charging stations both in the airport and in the plane.
The trip itself was without incident although we did hit a bit of turbulence on our decent, not a lot but you could feel the plane shake a little. We landed in this maze of an airport where you had to go up then down then around and down again. Crazy!
I took pictures of course being me of takeoff and landing, I was amused to see the guy in front of me videotape the whole process which felt like an hour but was probably much less. I slept a lot on the plane because trying to read made me dizzy.
When we arrived at the hotel we were very pleasantly surprised, it looks sorta rustic on the outside but inside was anything but. We walked into a room that held two queen sized beds, a full bath including a tub deep enough to soak in, a kitchenette that included a stove top, a sink, a fridge and a microwave, there is a balcony that looks out onto a driveway and a highway but despite that still looks nice. there is this vine wrapped tree right outside our window that is absolutely gorgeous.
After stopping at Triple O Burger (its inside a service station) we drove out to the first site so he could know the route for Tuesday(today) and I got my first surprise. It seems that I had the wrong address for the first site so I could not do the walk I had planned.
That only meant that I got to sleep in a little though I still woke up at my usual 7 am. And around 10 am I'll call E and see if he is available to take me out to explore a bit. The first place on my list was something called the Tower of Bauble but since that hasn't happened yet I'll stop for now. I have decided that I will upload my pictures to Instagram so you can find them @cherylmarois
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| Triple O burgers |
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| Our Hotel |
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| Mountains everywhere you look |
Lately I've been thinking a lot about permission. Not the kind someone else gives us. The kind we give ourselves. Somewhere along the wa...
