Lost in thought

 Trying to see the path ahead of me

A trio of years brought many tears

More tears than I can stand

Three simple lines and in my head I know there are more.

My mind is tired and my body hurts

I'm not ready to go to the great beyond yet.

Novembers Creative Journal

Writing Prompts

Write all of the poem or a selected verse in your journal. You may choose to use a whole page or just a part. You can also use other colors of ink and different styles of writing. Switch the ink color to every other line or word.

Write one thing that made the day great (30)

Write a minimum of 500 words per day using the word of the day according to Merriam-Webster Dictionary https://www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day/calendar

Enter one Poetry Contest each Week https://www.poetrysoup.com/poetry/contests/

Art Assignments

Beginnings: Create a cover page using a colour scheme, words, and images that symbolize November

Monthly Collage: Make a collage based on the word: Remembrance Day

Drawing: Once a week create a playing card-sized drawing of one of the images you used on your cover page

Daily Art

Once a day answer the following questions:

• What colour am I today?

• What word am I today?

• What was the weather today?

Daily Design: It's simple, look for designs as you go about your day and find one that catches your eye. Reproduce the pattern in a small rectangle on your daily page. No need to use the same colours, it's the pattern that matters.

Theme Grid: Divide a page into 30 squares. In the first square draw one of the images for the month. Each square must relate back to the first image somehow. A change of angle, a word related to November or the initial image, a change in colour, or a small change in each box, one day at a time.

Reading:

I have included the author and genre/subject for each book on the list. This is my November reading list, sans textbooks of course.

10 fiction books

2001: A Space Odyssey	Arthur C. Clarke	Classic, Science fiction
Aberdeenshire Folk Tales	Grace Banks	Folktales
Adventures From the Land of Stories: Queen Red Riding Hood's Guide to Royalty	Chris Colfer	Childrens, Fairy Tales, Fantasy
Academy of Monsters	Madeline Fay & Jenee Robinson	Reverse Harem Medium slow burn.
Amphigorey: Fifteen Books	Edward Gorey	Poetry, Graphic Novel
Anthonology	Piers Anthony	Fantasy, Biography
Bio Dungeon: Symbiote book 1 of Body Dungeon	Jeffrey "falcon" Logue & Jonathan Brooks	LitRPG
Quilt as Desired	Arlene Sachitano	Cozy Mysteries, Mystery
In the Land of Leadale, Vol. 1	Ceez	Fantasy, Humour
Liches Get Stitches	H. J. Tolson & F. R. Smith	Fantasy, Horror, Humour

10 non-fiction books

Incite: Dreams Realized	Tonia Jenny	Mixed Media, Magazine
Tiny Habits: The Small Changes That Change Everything	B. J. Fogg	Self-help
365 Ways to Live Happy: Simple Ways to Find Joy Every Day	Meera Lester	Inspiration
The Urban Walker: How to Upgrade Your Mind, Body and Spirit in 30 Days	The Urban Walker: How to Upgrade Your Mind, Body and Spirit in 30 Days	Fitness
How to Move It: Reset Your Body	Joslyn Thompson Rule	Motivation
Writing Wild: Women Poets, Ramblers, and Mavericks Who Shape How We See the Natural World	Kathryn Aalto	Biography, autobiography
How to Self Publish Inexpensive Books and Ebooks	William Allan	Writing, Reference
Why We Dance	Kimerer Lamothe	Dancing
The Book of Lists: The Original Compendium of Curious Information	David Wallechinsky & Amy Wallace	Humour, Trivia
How to Build Self-Discipline: Resist Temptations and Reach Your Long-Term Goals	Martin Meadows	Self-dicipline

Education:

My main aim right now is to learn how to create a film short using animation. The textbooks I’m using right now are aimed at teaching me the basics of filmmaking, animation, and desktop publishing.

My secondary aim is to create a book of poetry and images created by yours truly. The textbooks for this focus are on writing poetry and creating art photos to go with them.

Think back to something you have wanted to do for decades, that's what I did. Making my own little cartoon and publishing a book of my poetry have both been on my mind for 30 + years. With everything that has happened in the last 3 years I was lost. This is me trying to find my way again.

New Year

 October 31-November 1 are the pagan New Years Eve & day and since it comes shortly after my birthday I have selected it as my own as well.

My birthday being in the first week of October, thus this is the beginning of my 64th year. I've talked about this before so you can guess what's coming next or maybe not.

I use a journal, it is not one thing but everything that happens in the year. This year it is called "Journal of Life November 23 - October 24" and I have begun setting it up, it is a lot of work at first but once it's done, its just a matter of using it. I had hoped to use a preset list of activities each month, but the No Excuses site is gone, so I am creating and recreating my version.

As you are aware I have many interests in the creative fields- Writing, Drawing, Photography, Painting etc. This year I'd like to include it with the standard Timer Journal (can't recall what it is called right this moment but it is an appointment book/Tracker thing.) 

Anyway without the website and having not found it anywhere on the internet I am using a sample in the book to create my own Monthly insert to use. It is a lot of work because I am fussy and want a bit of everything on it from suggested books to read to photos to take to writing to do to watercolour and other paints or ... on and on. I figure when I get the first one made the others should be easy because they will only include different poems to Letter and a monthly theme for the drawing. Oh and a different colour scheme. I may even reuse the same photo's to take list.

Naw that sounds a bit boring. The last one not the other things. But I am designing it practically from scratch. I am also considering posting the list here for you and sharing my results at various web sites. Now understand it will be paper not digital although I may add a bit of that in for me as well so I can learn to use the Open Source software I have downloaded.

E knows what I'm talking about but I will explain it for those of you who don't.

Open Source software is an application that anyone can add to if they are so inclined, its benefit to me is that it is on par with Photoshop and other really expensive software but for free. I will reference the apps when I use them so you can find and use them too.

Like I am creating the journal insert using Libre Office- Writer which is equivalent to Microsoft Word. Libre Office has parts just like Microsoft 365 only again for free.

Oh one last thing during the last week of November I'll be in British Columbia, I plan to write the days here as I did with the Alberta trip but as they happen instead of weeks later. I am thinking that way it will remain fresh in my head.

And yes I will eventually get the day in West Edmonton mall done and I apologize for it taking so long. As you are aware I have been dealing with some mental issues but the worst seems to have passed. As long as I keep my mind busy I should be fine that is what the classes are for.

Self-Education begins here

 Like many creative people I always have several plans in the works, my UFO list is long as is my WTD list (UFO=Unfinished objects, WTD=Want to do). Right now I am trying to work on the following:

1) Learn how to make a short film (Animated, Documentary)

2) Learn to create good page layout (for the poetry)

3) Create a book that consists of my poetry and my art

4) Write a publishable short story or two from previously created ones.

5) Create a series of digital art pieces using my own photography

I have Adobe CC but it does not work properly because they are not paid for. I needed applications that can do what I need so I downloaded and am learning several Open Source applications for practice and basic training. If they go well then and only then will I rent the Adobe CC ones.

I happen to have a membership to a digital library that allows me to download books on nearly any subject which is where I have been finding books to teach me what I need to know. That and I have been seeking websites that can and will give feedback on my work. Two of them you are probably familiar with, they are Deviant Art and Instagram. 

There are also many free courses online and through YouTube which I will be making use of as I go along. The paid ones might be better but I can't afford them.

Today is Drawing day. Drawing is an important skill and though I would prefer to go full-tilt ahead to digital drawing I need to get some practice in first. The book I am using for this is called "Drawing For the Absolute Beginner"

When I checked out the contents it seemed absolutely perfect for me. I draw, have drawn many things but there is no consistency nor shading in what I have done. Even the digital ones have been hit and miss.

Tomorrow is 2D animation which is why I am trying to learn consistency. It is the basis for 3D animation though I am not sure if I will go that route. The first animation I want to create is pretty simple and would work well in 2D format I think.

Yes I already have a story in mind, I even got as far as making a storyboard for it a while back but had no idea how to go from drawing the sequence to making it come alive, thus 2D animation.

The other classes I am doing are as follows:

Photography- Both from the standpoint of taking strong photos and digital manipulation. You will find most of these on Instagram

Film Making- with emphasis on making a short documentary using my camera and Opensource software in particular Blender, followed by the animation short. These I am hoping to put on a Youtube channel but I don't have one yet.

Visual Communication- The Basics of Digital Art. You will find them at Deviant Art. There is nothing there just yet but there will be. 

Art & Creativity- This is for Art Journal stuff again in digital form, these will also be at Deviant Art. Colour Theory and learning from the Masters will be part of this, it is basically Art class

Digital Essentials- This is for the applications and programs I need to learn to create any of the above.

Seven different classes, one for each day of the week. I have several textbooks on these subjects including both for instruction and assignments. The process is not stream-lined like it would be in a school but I believe it is possible to become good enough to create what I want to create.

Circumstances and consequences

 The happy thoughts at least let me sleep reasonably well last night, the last time I got out of bed was at 2:30 a.m. to relieve myself, next thing I knew it was 9:00 a.m. If you are not E you probably wonder why that is a big deal. The fact of the matter is it has been a while since I only woke up once in the night, I am usually up 3 or 4 times a night, so to me it is a big deal.

Now 2.5 hours later I have eaten, taken my medication and I am yawning and my eyes are heavy. Perhaps because of the painkiller I take 4x a day, perhaps because of depression perhaps not. It is what it is. My thinking is fractured and my energy is nearly non-existent.

But that is not why I am here today, I promised E I would make an effort to write every day because strangely writing helps me sort thoughts out and put them in a sensible order. I have been journaling for a long time and it has always helped when my brain gets fuzzy like this if I do it.

A couple of months ago I walked into a burial service to which I was neither invited nor welcome. We were looking to go swimming but the beach we wanted to go to didn't allow dogs and since we were in the area we decided to go to the graveyard to visit Mom and Dad. There was a gathering there and at first I didn't think about it, I figured I didn't know them. I was wrong.

Turned out it was a bunch of my cousins on my dad's side of the family came to bury their sister and her husband. They are the family I wanted to be part of in my younger days but …

There were a couple of bad moments involving that family at my father's funeral and I had only spoken to the younger ones since then and that seldom. 

The cousin they were burying was five years deceased, her ashes were in her husbands' custody, a fact I did not know. I hugged everybody, apologized to everybody I needed to apologize to, and then put my foot in my mouth again with a member of the younger generation this time. 

I left but the depression had already begun and I needed to get away from them. I am having a hard time with acceptance since she had been a companion during my early school days. 

We had had a falling out during my drinking days and I had always had the hope that I would be able to ask her forgiveness someday. I didn't expect it to be at her graveside. 

I got through the rest of that day and then fell into the deepest depression I've been in since my mom died. My father died after her but he was sick for a long time before he passed so it wasn't as quick as hers had been. 

(Sides I felt responsible for my mother's death, I felt I was the one who gave that bacteria an entrance into her bloodstream by accidentally pulling out her catheter.)

(My mom was injured in an accident and although she was alive and healthy she was confined to a wheelchair for 11 years before she passed. She was also just past her 50th birthday.)

Back to the funeral & the depression that followed, still seems to follow me. I found myself sleeping 18 to 20 hours a day, I was unable to do anything, I had trouble concentrating, and I lost all interest in things except sleeping.

After a month of this, I began to come out of it a bit. Only a bit because I was still sleeping 12 hours a day. There was nothing I wanted to do. There was lots that needed doing but nothing I could make myself do.

One day I just woke up and decided to hell with this I needed to find something to do. I tried a few things but nothing clicked until I saw the ad for a film school in BC. I remembered a dream from long ago about creating my own short animation film. 

I checked out the curriculum self-study for the animation course and found out there were a lot of little parts that go into making the whole so I began a course of self study.

I am more than a little confused by everything I need to learn but I have many years to teach myself the basics.. At $20,000 per semester, I couldn't afford to go to the school and thus home study. Until today when I realized I have no way of knowing if my stuff is good or correct without a teacher. Today I am looking around the internet to find peer groups that can maybe help me with that.

or I will be once I sleep and then kick myself in the ass to do something besides let this gloom get me down. Tomorrow I will talk about each course here and then try to find or make a lesson plan of some sort as it has been kinda hit and miss without one

Tonight

 I am sitting here in my own home fighting the depression that I thought was gone. It started funny enough in a place I was a year ago, listening to Scarlett cry because her dad would not do what she wanted him to.

Hearing Breanna's voice on the phone just knocked me down. I am not sure what made me go over the edge but I'm sitting here on the edge of tears. 

I had a great time last night, for my birthday we did a taste test using chicken strips and General's Hot Sauces

This is the selection we tried. I have been watch something on Youtube called the TRY channel with E, I love all the stuff they sample and really wanted to do something like it. We were watching their video on the sauces and when E said he had the collection above, I thought cool! When he suggested we bring it down when we came down for us to do a try night I was excited. 

We went out to Swiss Chalet with my daughter & family and as we were leaving I was talking about the taste test thing. my SIL was interested so I suggested they come over and we would do it together. It was fun, the best birthday since my 60ith!

My daughter tried to videotape it but we hadn't set it up right so it didn't turn out so great but I've uploaded it below, the woman is me and GS#3 is the child. One of the men is E and the other is my SIL you guess which is which.

We are thinking about doing it again sometime in the near future but we aren't sure when.

Next time we will set it up so my daughter can film it properly. 

Writing about the happy made me feel less sad, guess I'm gonna have to do that more often.

July 13 The Calgary Stampede

I spent a productive day in the hotel room, basically recovering from all the exercise I'd been doing. This turned out to be a bad idea cause I became more aware of the aches and pains throughout my body which made me a bit whiny.

I did walk a little bit to the plaza beside the hotel and had a nice lunch at Ricky's, I tasted Chicken and Waffles for the first time. Not bad but as usual way too much food. 

When Rob got back we headed out to the Stampede and in particular the Chuck wagon races which is why I wanted to go. Except... as with many big fairs... we had a hard time finding parking anywhere close to the venue.

Once parked we headed to the fairgrounds. Along the way, I saw an interesting sight.

The ruins of an old hospital. We had to walk by it so we could get to the entrance. I explored it a bit then we joined the thong of people headed to the grounds.

We followed the wrong group and ended up at the entrance to the concert that was happening that night.

After a long wait in line and an explanation, the cashier directed us to the main entrance.

On the way there I saw scooters that were apparently for everyone to ride but I couldn't get Rob to try one so we walked and we walked and we walked. LOL, it was a place full of sights, sounds and smells which made it difficult to pay attention to much for any length of time.

We saw this Installation on the way to the midway, children were everywhere climbing on them and pretending they were real. I was tempted but figured I was too old to climb things taller than me. 

I love my everlovin' but on occasion, he is too focused on the adult thing to do instead of just letting himself have fun for a bit. That day he was in full adult mode much to my frustration.

The Strangest thing I saw was the various types of foods made with strange ingredients like this Pickle Pizza, and deep-fried Dads Cookies I saw nearby.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                I got lots of pictures of the chuck wagon races, we watched eight of them before feeling the need to go out and explore a bit more. This is the best one as far as I can tell:

They were so fast each heat was only like 5 minutes long so I got a lot of wagons and horses just never the whole thing at once. I almost asked my Everloving to take me closer to the starting point so I could get a better picture but the crowd was insane and I don't do well in crowds.

After this, we did another more leisurely walk cause I had seen a red cowboy hat I wanted but it was a child's hat and I couldn't ask for one because of that, not sure why.

Eventually, we came to a tent of the supplier of Cowboy hats since I didn't need to explain to anyone that it was for me I bought it. I also found a sheriff star and another pin for my grandsons.

And for me, a lava whip while wearing the coveted red cowboy hat. 

All in all an excellent day, well except for the very end of the night. It had just started to get dark when we left. We headed back out the way we came in to get to the car but we couldn't find it. So I went to talk to the security types in one of those carts they drive around in. They were very nice and gave us a lift back to our vehicle. Turned out we had entered the parking lot in the wrong place. So a bit of a panic situation, our first thought was theft but no we both just had a bad directional evening.

The plaque by the horse statuary

Calgary skyline from the fairgrounds

One Guess Who Helped Sponsor It!
Yahoo that's who!

July 12

 Today we head to Calgary after E is done working. We packed up and checked out of the Sandman. I spent most of the day in a place called Cafe on 54. E joined me and grabbed himself a Reuban when he was done which he seem to like.

I worked on the journal and drew a picture of Edmonton before we landed. 

Scan and add photo of art work.

We had to wait for the network guy while he returned his car so we hung out at a nearby gas station though it was a bit more than that with a car wash and a convenience store. It was a long wait so I grabbed some junk food. I lost one of the things I bought but the 7 day croissant was pretty good.

The network guy wanted to stop at a beach called Sylvan Beach on the way to Calgary. It was interesting, one of those lakes where you can walk out a long way before it starts to get above your knees. There was a camping area, a playground, and a small marina.

   

I walked along the kelp-strewn beach looking for a stone or two, what I found were waterlogged wood chips.

We arrived in Calgary quite late but we were all hungry so we stopped at Taj Mahal Restaurant for dinner. E got Butter Chicken and the Network guy got some kind of vegetarian dish, I only got a Lassi so I had a choice while they each ate their own thing. The network guy raised a bit of a stink cause E offered to pay the whole bill but he insisted it be split.

We dropped him at his hotel and headed to the Holiday Express. While it wasn't nearly as impressive as the Sandman it was decent with a separate bedroom and space for a meeting if required. It did have a nice fireplace and a counter for the kitchenette so we both had work space.

Needless to say we went to sleep pretty quick. It was a big travel day and we had another one coming up in another day & a half.