Diet Restrictions make for interesting dishes

 I am lactose intolerant to the point where lactose products seem to go right through me. I am also a fan of experimenting with recipes just because.

A few days ago for instance I mixed up some my mr. noodles with vegetable soup and chicken broth and mushroom soup. I didn't add any milk and it turned out lovely just a little spicy and very filling.

There are others I've tried as well but I think today was really good and it was simple. To start off I cooked a half pound of ground beef in the oven until it was nearly cooked through. About 5 minutes or so before I pulled it out of the oven I covered the upper side with black pepper.

I cut that in half and added it to a standard stroganoff hamburger helper mix.  Instead of adding regular milk I added almond milk and cooked it according to the directions. The almond milk gave the sauce a sweetish taste and the pepper added some heat. I was so good.

I just felt the need to share what I mean when I say I am a creative cook. So far I've never made something that tasted horrible though sometimes the flavour is a bit odd. 

I'd love to hear of any recipes you have made that were made with non-standard ingredients too.

 

mind over matter?

 Another night where my mind will simply not shut up until I write what is going on in it.

Today was strange or maybe it is just my thoughts. I did not get out of bed until 3pm not because I slept that long, I just couldn't seem to get myself moving until L called me and asked me if I wanted to go for a walk with him. I jumped at the chance because it got me up and moving.

We walked all about 6 km and talked about many things starting with why he was in a pensive mood and ending discussing a house he had a large interest in. Got to admit I liked it too. We were invited in for a quick look see of the main floor which included a formal dining room and a kitchen I could be tempted to kill for with a view that was exquisite. For me the energy in that house was filled with feelings of love and joy. It made me a bit hyper and talkative which is unusual for me.

When we got back we stopped to talk to Alex and Dillon  who are also tenants here. We were talking about the disaster I mentioned yesterday and I asked for a cigarette cause I thought it would calm me but instead it made me even more talkative though I found myself repeating the same words over and over in a rambling way like I was high or something. Eventually I wound down and we came inside. 

Quick side note I did see Cash and tell her she wasn't welcome here anymore, I think that is when I realized I was a bit out of control and decided me on going inside. Just as well I did cause things got a little fuzzy and I got sick to my stomach. That is typical for me every time I smoke tobacco these days.

Anyway my behaviour outside was on my mind when I went to lie down to sleep just now. From there it went back to the house and then to the place where my thought started running an imaginary conversation that wouldn't shut up.

In Buckhorn where I grew up is a place where the first house I ever lived in 2 brothers and a sister later it burned down  or rather was caused to burn down by my mother. My dad was fine with six of us living in a two room shack my mom not so much.

I went back twice now to get in touch with that place and certain memories of it I want to deal with and both times I was interrupted before I could even begin to process it, so I was thinking I want to go back and try one more time this summer. 

I suspect my cousin will appear just as she has the last two times but this time I need to get through it so I have decided that I will tell her to go away so I can do what I came to do. I don't think it will go over well but I need to do this and I need to do it without interruption and I will tell her so. Hopefully she will go back down the hill to her own house and allow me to do what I need to do.

That is the conversation that was going round and round in my head. Maybe now it will stop.

 

Once upon a time

 That is how fairy tales start and I wish the last week was just a story!

I am a disciple of Aphrodite  and for years I did my spells as women for thousands of years have done on my back. As age creeps up on me I no longer have that option open to me so I opened my heart and my home as a place of acceptance for those who have no home of their own. I do not regret my decision except to those who abuse the options I offer. This story is about one such person she calls herself Cash/Ash depending on who she is talking to. Her name on the street is "No Pants".

I do not know how long she has been on the street though she appears to be in her mid-twenties so upwards of a decade possibly. She does not wear anything to cover her privates as far as I can tell so that she doesn't have to find a bathroom. When she needs to go she just goes like an animal would.

At first she seemed reasonably mentally stable aside from that little issue mentioned above. I treated her as I did any others who came to my window giving food and water as I had it available. 

Until one day I found her in the building at my door. That was my first glimpse into her mental instability, it was a cold night and while she had a reasonable top on she wore only a simple piece of cloth around her privates like a skirt and a longish coat.  I dismissed it as a casual thing and allowed her inside my door. I gave her a granola bar and sent her on her way, though a little creeped out that she was in the building at my door

So far so good right, a few small issues. However the next time I saw her she was back to the rag around her privates and she stunk. I later found her asleep in the hall, the back of her legs were shit stained. I didn't say anything about it because I assumed it was just a minor episode and she would be back to herself (as I saw her at the time) the next time I saw her.

No I was not stupid I was being tolerant which is something I'm pretty good at. The next time she came back she was decently covered again and she didn't smell so I invited her to sit and rest. I made her a coffee and offered her evaporated milk for it. I didn't realize until she left that she had used the whole can. Now you would think that that would sour me on her but when she came to my door the next time I gave her food and sent her on her way.

That was the first time she asked for money. I don't keep any money around except my laundry money so it was an easy no. She came around a couple of more times and I gave her the granola bars like usual  but did not allow her in. Again she asked for money and again I told her no.

The next time she came I just sent her on her way as I was out of granola bars and she was beginning to stink again. The next time she came I just told her to go to the sleeping place. A bit later maybe half an hour or so I went looking for her as I felt a little guilty about not giving her food. 

I found her in the hallway cleaning up some garbage that was in the hall. Someone had dumped a couple of garbage bags on the floor in there. She was cleaning it up when I found her so I did not suspect her. Now I am not so sure.

After the last big storm I went out to go somewhere and there was garbage all over the step. Since I had refused to open the door to anyone before and after the storm I figured it was retaliation by someone because the door was blocked.

Last night someone knocked on my door and I told them to go away, I later found out that it was Cash, she had been bugging Len since I hadn't answered the door for awhile. This morning I woke up to find the connecting hall had had several garbage bags dumped in them including some food. Later that day I found out that someone had done the same to the front step and the stairs leading to the upstairs units. I was also told that the loft area where they sleep had also been trashed.

Now I don't know why the retaliation essentially tripled but it was the last straw for me, after informing the building management I preformed a protection spell for the building and I am hoping that will be enough to prevent it from happening again.

I am so tempted to go to the crack house and tell them that the church is now off limits to everyone since one of their number turned the building into a dumpster but I do not want to stir that particular pot so I am writing my thoughts out instead.

Respect is big with the street life and I gotta wonder why that respect doesn't apply to building interiors of course it could be that she is just one of the crazy ones. 

I'd say that only about 10% of the street people would do something like this but it makes it hard for people like me to help the other 90% without some of the anger at the disrespect coming through.

No happy ending, just an ending I hope.

A Conversation

You say that I do not understand what it is like but I wonder if you do?

You laugh at the pain of being molested how dare you laugh at another s pain? It isn't funny at all but you find it hilarious.

You think calling other people big back is ok, it isn't really fat shaming but it is. You are cruel on purpose, saying things to people to make them feel bad about themselves. Why?

What do you get out of making others feel bad?

You literally don't care about anyone else, a friend gets burned and you have no apparent compassion for them. Why?

Are they really a friend or just someone you have claimed as one? A person should not treat their friends like they are there just for you to ridicule while not being alone. Why?

I have tried to understand that many things have happened in your life that caused you some mental pain and hurting other people is how you cope but I don't understand why that was your choice.

There were so many ways you could have done to deal with your perceived "rotten life" but you chose to hurt others with your words and your actions. Why?

It is hard to understand why any person would choose bullying as a way of coping with their issues rather than trying to be a better person than the ones who made you feel inadequate in some way. I understand anger and fear I've had a lot of it in my life but I am not cruel unless I have no other choice. As of this moment you have left me no choice. 

I am sad that I need to do it this way but you are toxic and I can't have that in my life. My door will be closed to you from now on and you need to figure out how to feed yourself because I am done doing that too. Perhaps some missed meals will get you to thinking about what you do. How sometimes words can hurt worse than sticks and stones.

I doubt it though because your poppa will look after you until he can't any more. That makes me sad for him but it is his choice. For me and you - you are banned from my home until August 1st 2025.

When you come back you will have one month to prove to me that you have mended your ways. What I want to see is no more name calling, some gratitude for what is given to you food wise and other wise, requests not demands, and last but not least respect given to your elders ( all of your elders from your dad on up).

The cruelty that is your go to is going to come back and hurt you many times worse than you have hurt others. That is how karma works, I hope you can fix yours or you are in for a really rough life.

I need to codify this shit!- A really long rant!

 It started simply enough, a mistaken identity and a guilty conscience, many of you can relate I suspect. Since the person in question is a 12 year old female related by blood it might be even more understandable by some of you. It gave me a big shock I'll tell you, so much so that I went overboard, something I try not to do but it happens.

With tears in my eyes yet feeling like I was laughing not crying, the guilty conscience took control. I made a prayer and started the procedure to bring her some stability, except she likes things the way they are.

I inquired about a two bedroom in the building that wouldn't require me to pack everything up to move it, the only downside was that it was upstairs, I kinda like my first floor apartment, I've been here since a year after the building opened, I was next door before that. That aside I though two bedrooms so we both get some privacy and quiet away from each other and I can make sure she goes to school and gets fed.

That it was some $466 bucks more than I am paying I figured with the child tax credit and stuff would cover the difference and I would be fine. I waited, it's been about a week since I first made the inquiry.

During that time I found out a few things I wasn't aware of, things that make me think I can't help her to become better, more level-headed. Yeah as I wrote that I realize that I thought I could help her become more normal, I no longer think that is possible. Nor am I willing to put up with her verbal abuse of myself and everyone she comes into contact with including her poor dog.

I was beginning to lean that way already but a couple things happened that completely put paid to it. Yeah laugh it up "E", I don't want to hear any "I told you so's". So what happened...

Well within days of my making the request to my landlord, her and a bunch of her friends when racing through the building making a lot of noise. That seems minor but considering the other residents in this wing it was a very not nice thing to do. That is minor but it should have warned me that I couldn't deal with her. That realization came later.

On the first and second of February, I went through a couple of real bad pain days which side-lined me, a couple of days after that my usual chronic fatigue for February kicked in and I was sleeping a lot. I had begun to make enough supper for us to share and while she complained about it, she did eat it. Then around the 5th I woke up dizzy like having a hard time walking dizzy.

She was here and I asked her to keep an eye out and call 911 in case I fainted. I do not know what she said but for one thing she said, made me angry and I told her to leave. Basically she said she didn't care. After letting it stew in my head I told her to go home because I didn't want to be around someone who didn't care about others. 

The next day when it happened again she asked if I was delusional because I had stopped to lean on the table by my desk until my head stopped spinning. I was shocked that she would say such a thing to an adult, I had told her I was dizzy and I called her a stupid child. I apologized for that, I'm not sure I should have. And I sent her home again after making sure she ate something.

Yeah I know I'm a softy but I am done being soft on her, it's time to kick in with tough love and she ain't gonna handle that well. Oh but there is more.

She came back later that night to pick up her crocs with a friend. I pretended to kick her in the ass for coming back after she had been sent away, I didn't connect but she did, hitting me on my still painful back with her croc. I told her to never do that again but she just left without an apology or anything. The rest of the night my back was in pain, not severe but it felt bruised, it still feels bruised.

 Today I found out that she had got suspended from school seven times and was finally expelled from the school she was in up north, I didn't realize it had been that bad and I understand why GD#2 gave up on her and sent her back. 

She has been to school perhaps 5X since returning in December. I guess she figures if she isn't there she can't get in trouble. The other thing is she had gone full bad girl when she is there and made many lives difficult. Her last stunt got one of her friends in trouble with her parents and stuck me with some voice time with the principle and the truant officer (is that's what its called, the police man who tries to keep the kids in school anyway.)

Today I didn't make her dinner because last night was leftover night and she didn't eat anything except a couple of freezies even though there was mac and cheese in the fridge for her. When I told her the fourth one was for me she called me selfish and left, she figured cause she asked for them they were all for her.

The rest of this I was trying to play my cards but she was freaking out at someone on the phone because a notebook had been taken from her locker. I think she called it a doom list or something, its a book where they call other people names and makes plans to hurt them. Yeah, full mean girl vibe!

During that conversation and one I had before I sent her home again I found out that that is the persona she has chosen to exemplify when she was at school and I am becoming aware of her use of it with her so called friends. She already has a bad rep and she has only been there since just before Christmas break. Fellow students are trying to get her expelled.

 That was the final straw for me, I am not a mean person and I do not like bullies. Does she have reason for her behaviour perhaps but she actually tried to bully me. I was upset when she said I wasn't her grandmother, I could accept that as posturing but to then saying I was just some homeless person she brought home to be her slave and calling me slave just hit me wrong. After her hitting me last night I was already annoyed. That last thing was unacceptable and I warned her that I wouldn't feed her any more nor would she be allowed to come here any more that I would disown her.

I don't think she understood what I meant but she will, from now on she is just another homeless person begging at my door. Also though I didn't say it I will no longer be holding my words in. This girl has to learn which means I need to throw her to the wolves so to speak.

I am hoping with this decision some of my depression will lift. I hate not being able to help anyone my own blood especially but I am so done.

Love is!

 I have a very fundamental belief that there is good in everyone from the hardened criminal to the most difficult child. I find it impossible to give up on anyone no matter how they behave or talk. It is a difficult thing trying to embody love in this day and age yet it is exactly what I am driven to do. Yes driven, if I can help anyone even the homeless and the drug addict then that is what I do. My grand-daughter is a difficult child on the cusp of becoming a teenager, her father is also a difficult person and he was a difficult child but I will defend them to my last breathe. If I can direct them down a more loving path or help them curb their tendency to say what is in their head regardless of what it may be then I will.

Some people think that because I am like this I am blind to the person  or people I am talking to. I am not, if anything I am very conscious of them. I read their body language, their tone tells me a lot, how they hold themselves and the things they do. I see it all but I still offer a hand when and where I can. We are all humans, we are all made the same way, we all are born and we will all die eventually. Our upbringing, our life events both happy and sad change us, we can become angry at the hand we have been dealt.

I do not believe in fate, we all choose our own path rather we act, react or do nothing. Some people get a raw deal, someone they love dies or they are being abused by a parent or other adult in their life, they cope. Sometimes they don't choose the "normal" path, the one the world accepts as the only way to be. It is a choice, their choice but they are no less human because of that choice. We put down the homeless, or the mentally ill or the drug addict or the confused child and say they are no good and they never will be. I do not accept this! I will never accept this! They are people not lesser beings, broken sure but most broken things can be fixed if you can find the right tool. People either will choose to do better or not, we can not change them to suit our standards and not expect them to lose their spark.

That needs clarifying I think. People choose their own path, by action and inaction both, it is a choice. We can try to change them to suit ourselves or societal norms. If we succeed we reduce them to pale images of who they could be. They lose their spark. That piece of themselves we take away from them may be the difference between them becoming a star or a stone.

Love is not demanding it simply is. Acceptance of the differences and an offer to help them with no strings attached that is love in its simplest form. No either do it this way or go away. I am guilty of this on occasion myself. Rules must be set and carved in stone but they are your rules and no one will conform exactly. If they break the rules then they are not allowed back for a set amount of time. If they break the rules three times then they are sent away until they can.

At no time will I ever say go away and never come back, I am not made that way.

Have you ever wondered...

 if you are cursed? Yes it is a dumb question in an age where belief in magic is not strong save in the intentions for a better life than the one you are living. Yet... I am tired and listless, my energy is up and down like a light switch. Ditto my viewpoint on life. Sometimes I wonder just what is still keeping me here on earth instead of free in the aether. Not my kids and not my grandchildren not E, they don't need me any more. I do not need to be alive but here I sit anyway.

I know what I should do, I even know the difference between should and must. I am discontent with my own laziness and procrastination and yet... the musts and shoulds are societies rules not mine. I am tired of trying to be what I should be and doing what I should be doing but even the musts have no power to move me. All I want to do is sleep away the days, at least in my dreams I am happy I think. I think because I do not know, I no longer recall my dreams not even the ones you have in the between times just before falling asleep or just waking up.

The words are scrambled in my head and I have trouble tracking even simple phone calls. I feel like I am worn to the bone and all I want to do is rest and have someone else tend my home, make my meals and all the other everyday stuff that needs must be done. if I had sufficient income I would sign myself into one of those retirement homes where they do everything for you and you can just sit and read or play games all day. Oh to be a kid again.

Its stupid, my childhood was not normal by todays standards, I lived in homes without electricity, running water and indoor plumbing, I even lived in a tent for five months. I suppose there are still people who live like that but I am not one of them any more. Do I miss it? Not really I miss the lack of responsibility, that fell to my parents.

The more og this most recent generation I see the less I want to be here. They are spoiled brats most of them. Oh there are paragons and maybe there will be enough of them to save this generation. We baby-boomers started this mess by chasing the almighty dollar instead or caring about the planet we live on.

This ramble makes no sense to me so I figure it won't make any to you either. All I know is I want to go to bed and never get out of it again like the grandparents in "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" or move in with my kids and have them look after me, cept I don't want to live with either of my kids. My daughter has too many animals and my son is a surly SOB. 

Yeah I said it I am a bitch and it has steadily getting worse as the overwhelm I feel gets stronger. It knocks me sideways a lot. When I lost interest in crafting I became concerned, today I sit here and I don't want to read or play my games and I am no longer concerned I am scared. I think that fall that made me aware of the cancer in my breast changed something else. Or knocked some kind of blockage away. 

I am feeling lost and emotional and crazy and sad and angry  and afraid and so many more negative emotions. The self-hatred is getting strong again. A hatred for my inability to do just the simple things like cook a meal every day or doing laundry or even sweep the damn floor. I am getting close to tears and that usually indicates that I have reached my emotional limits yet again.

E understand I will not commit suicide, I am too much of a coward for that. Though as a certain doctor told me there are many ways to kill yourself its just that some of them take a long time. For awhile I thought the obesity would finally take me out, it might yet, though all indications are that despite the way I treat it my heart and lungs I will be around for a long time yet.

I need a catalyst of some kind but if breast cancer and a stroke scare hasn't done it I don't know what will. Oh and forget bribery it doesn't work any more, there is nothing I want except for this life to end or for me to recover some of who I used to be before I became this black hole. I am sure that as soon as I take my medication I will feel better for awhile but it never goes away this longing for light and love and laughter.

I fake laugh a lot I don't even realize I'm doing it, a symptom of what the obesity, the depression, the fibro, cancer, stroke, heart attack, or just plain old fear of the unknown and unknowable. I'm pretty sure you the reader are thourouly confused by the rambling nature of the thoughts here. It is the litany that has been in my brain for awhile. I hope writing it down will help mitigate itself somewhat.