Lies, Lies and more lies

 I am so tired of the lies I keep hearing from GD#3, at the same time it is not my place to correct her. She said she was going home tomorrow, I hope so cause I really can't deal with her right now. I wish there was some way for me to disappear for a few weeks.

Time to contemplate my life and ... what? I honestly don't know. Robs heart attack made him take better care of himself, me ... nothing seems to have changed for me other than to see how barren my life has become. I honestly don't know the last time I felt I had meaning, that my continued existence had meaning, tonight I am not sure if it does.

Oh I am sure my family would disagree but I don't know why I am still alive. I am not sure that I even want to be alive. I feel like my dad did just before mom died, I need a long vacation from my life.

I am not even sure I can explain it to you, the emptiness I feel inside me. I am a mirror or a lamp post to the people in my life but there is no real core I can point to and say "that is who I am". I am a mirror and nothing more. There is no "Cheryl" just automatic responses. Did I say mirror, perhaps it is more like a robot. Present but not "present".

The worst part is it doesn't feel like depression, it feels ... like nothing. No place for me anywhere. Nothing I can point to and say that is me. I am hollow, empty, useless.

Even my phone doesn't belong to me anymore.

I'm Good (Blue)

"Part of the problem, time to set boundaries"- Everlovin

Yeah I've been realizing that. A long time ago a counsellor told me that as well but I don't know if I have ever had any boundries in my life other than the usual if you hurt me or my kids you are gone. Back then it was physical stuff, emotional and mental pain were not part of my knowledge. I am more aware of it now but I don't have protect myself that way.

"Start, if nothing else they will never learn to stand on their own 2 feet if you are constantly saving them from themselves"- Everlovin 

Me and my partner discussing Personal Space. Not from him he is pretty good at giving me the space I need my children and grandchildren not so much

 

 

He says this song should be my theme song but it really isn't even close to the way I feel about my life these days. Once maybe but it has been a long time.

I've read a lot of books in my life about self awareness in its many forms (self-care, self-esteem, etc.) but I am still the same as always so if I am not the problem it must be them. That makes me feel guilty because I've been accused of being self-centered for most of my life.

How can I be self-centred and non self-centered. Yeah that is not the word but the word I mean is stuck in the back of my head somewhere refusing to make itself clear. Still this is clear enough I hope.

Anyway I acquired a book about setting Boundaries but I have not begun reading it, I am still not fighting for self-preservation. Self-preservation what a word for such a complex mess of emotions.

self-pres·​er·​va·​tion ˌself-ˌpre-zər-ˈvā-shən 

1: preservation of oneself from destruction or harm

2: a natural or instinctive tendency to act so as to preserve one's own existence

bound·​ary ˈbau̇n-d(ə-)rē  

 

plural boundaries : something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent

  

The dictionary can not show the complexity of the personal interpretation present in my head. Or within society as a whole.The emotions and thoughts embodied in those two words ...

 

I don't know what happens next but I do intend to work on the boundaries thing if nothing else.

Forward

 As you are aware I claim Paganism as my Spiritual practice, Nov 1st is our New Years day and with the completion of the radiation treatments I am finally able to look at things more clearly than I have in the last couple of years. 

Yeah, first Covid then Breast Cancer been a real interesting few years. Not happy but interesting.

Yesterday I started the Estrogen blockers and today I am having my first hot flash since I turned 60, while I am not happy about that the alternative as my everlovin would say is worse. Quite frankly less than one year for the process from diagnosis to treatment isn't bad but is not something I want to repeat any time soon so menopause a second time. Though at least this is only 5 years unlike the ten of the first time.

Once I brought it to my doctor's attention things moved quickly but taking it to the doctor was something I delayed for a couple of months because at first, I thought it was from a fall I took in the winter. Note to self the next time I feel a lump on my chest I will not take that long to get to him.

On the 10th I see my personal doctor after nearly a year, I have chosen a talk appointment because I have a lot of questions to ask him. I had a whole head of questions when I made the appointment but I didn't write them down so I will have to do that between now and then

I started to plan the next year in October but I am having a hard time figuring out just what I need, the wants are easy. 

• A library of 10,000 books which I am already halfway to ... that one is easy as long as my supplier gets back online, something about a provider canceling their security certificate, then it will take me awhile as I am limited to 50 books a day.
• A return to education geared towards Counseling preferably with an art basis. I am finding all kinds of information on CBT, ACT and other types of counseling. I had no idea there were so many specializations under that title. Everything from Art therapy to music therapy to business counseling come under that title.
• A life that is completely me- whoever that is. Very generalized because I am struggling with defining who I am (still) and what I need to thrive.

Thrive becoming the operative word of the year. 

Definition of thrive

intransitive verb

1: to grow vigorously : FLOURISH (last years word which did not work out so well for me)

2: to gain in wealth or possessions : PROSPER

3: to progress toward or realize a goal despite or because of circumstances —often used with onthrives on conflict

I have been looking at my should's.

 I realized last night that I have a lot of rules for myself and some of them may have medical evidence to back them up but a lot of them are just arbitrary rules I learned along the way.

I should be in bed by 10 pm and asleep by midnight. Why? I'm not tired then I get tired later like 2 am

I should be up and out of bed by 7 am. (my parents) I don't go to school anymore and have nothing to do all day why do I should I be up by then?

I should eat a big breakfast, a medium size lunch and a small dinner. Granted it makes sense but what if you can't afford it or are unable to prepare anything due to a lack of energy? My illness almost guarantees that I run out of energy quickly and when I push myself I need to take 4-7 days to get enough energy to do anything again.

These are just a few of my should's. I've decided that every time I think "I should" I will stop and look at what that should is and rather it fits me and my life.

Things like I should brush my teeth twice a day, shower every day, and exercise 3 x a week all have valid medical evidence to back them up but they are also arbitrary society rules made up by god knows who, probably big business, to sell stuff. They deal with the seemly common fact that body odour and being overweight are both bad things. I am not convinced of that but what do I know? They are just not much of a priority to me.

I should sweep my floor, do my dishes and cook every day. Uhm I barely have the energy to get dressed most days. Plus I am alone here and I don't make a big mess, that only happens when my grandchildren come to visit.

I guess that is enough for today, I'm making myself even more depressed than I was before I started writing this. The gist of it is that I am looking at the rules I live my life by and re-evaluating them.

Perhaps I was a little hasty...

 Last night all I could think about was getting out of this town and going to someplace safe and quiet. 

Funny enough when I went searching for safe and affordable Peterborough was actually on the list and yes the list was new as of June 2022. Kinda surprised to find that we are actually pretty safe here despite all the stuff going on.

I was watching Tik Tok and this guy was jogging down a street in Vancouver, there were literally dozens of tents and homeless all along the street. Made me realize that we do have it pretty good here even with the rents doubling in the last six months.

I would rather not leave Ontario but the cheapest rents are in Quebec and one of the eastern provinces, I can't remember which one off the top of my head.

This is scary

Maybe I'll find a way to curb the urge to run away for awhile.

Present and Future

 If I asked you to run away with me would you?

Before you answer there are conditions:

You would have to leave your job, your home and your family. Before you ask, I would be doing the same.

You would only be able to bring one laptop and enough clothes for a week

There would be no plan other than to hop on a bus to Toronto and then grab the first train leaving the station.

Would you run away with me? I am confident what you would say but I still needed to ask the question. Sometime in the next two years I am going to do just that. I am so done with this town.

I am done living my life the way I "should", I want to live my life the way I want.

I thought maybe some land and a house were all I would need to be happy. I had that with you and look where we are now. Living different lives in different cities and both of us content with that for the most part.

Except that I am no longer content, my feet have been getting itcher and itcher for the past couple of years. I don't think I was ever meant to stay in one place for decades like you. 

I thought I had finally found a place I could stay for the rest of my life but it isn't. I have watched this town become worse and worse. When I first came there were no beggars on the street or dozens of people without homes. The biggest addiction was alcohol, now there is a drug that can give you an excellent ride or bring death and you never know which until it happens.

This run-in with cancer has me reevaluating my life and finding it boring and safe, neither of which I ever wanted. So yeah, its 4 AM and I can't sleep, all I keep thinking is I need to get as far away from this town as I can, maybe even out of Canada entirely, though I am not sure where I would go or how I would survive but at least I wouldn't be bored.

So I will repeat my question, If I ran away would you come with me?

Apathy

 What is this weird feeling

The above page at the New Yorker explores something that post covid is affecting a lot of people myself included. I have suffered with dysthymia since around the age of 13 but this year the apathetic side seems to have taken over. Last time that happened it was summer and I was 8 months pregnant.

I sleep a lot like 18 hours a day something I didn't used to do, except once in awhile when I'd been pushing myself hard.

All the projects I was working on have lost interest and I keep looking for ways to remove them from sight because I don't feel like I'm ever going to be interested enough in them to finish them.

Everything I thought I was is gone and I have no idea how to find myself again, the last time that happened it took me several years to build a life from the ashes of the old one.

I do not know where to begin even. With breast cancer still a question of what comes next I am feeling even more lost.

And tired, and sad and generally in an I don't care about anyone or anything mood.